A title appears. It reads: 1985.
FADE IN:
EXT. – BEACH – DAY
We see a beach being used by well over 100 people on a bright and sunny day. Several bikini-clad girls are seen playing a game of volleyball, kids are playing in the water, and parents are relaxing along the shoreline. All is peaceful. Then, from out of the blue, a black Pontiac Trans-Am drives over a sandbank as explosions occur behind it. The camera freezes as the car is soaring through the air. A title explodes onto the screen.
RENEGADE JUSTICE
The camera unfreezes and the car lands on the ground with a large thud. There is complete silence as everyone stares at the car. All of a sudden, the car door opens and out steps a man who is of average height, featuring cut-abs, pearly-white teeth, a mullet, and is sporting some cheesy 80’s clothing including sport sunglasses. This man is known as Butch Smith. A little boy steps up to the car.
LITTLE BOY
Who are you mister?
BUTCH steps out of the car and quickly swipes the sunglasses away from his face. He shoots a look towards all of the people staring at him.
BUTCH
I’m just a renegade, kid. Seeking some justice. Not just any justice – RENEGADE JUSTICE. That’s because I’m looking for justice, yet I am still a renegade.
FREEZE FRAME.
DAVID MUSSELHOFF as BUTCH SMITH
A telephone ring is heard.
BUTCH
Sorry, somebody is calling me on my car phone.
BUTCH leans into his car a pulls out an abnormally large phone and holds it to his ear.
BUTCH
Butch Smith here. Techie, is that you?
INT. BASEMENT LABORATORY – DAY
We see TECHIE, a nerdy boy who is in his teens. He is sporting large/thick glasses, acne all over his face, and a tucked in shirt. Around him are an assortment of old computers and sheets of paper with calculations on them. TECHIE is on the phone with BUTCH.
TECHIE
According to my calculations, the cops shouldn’t show up for another 3 minutes. Looks like the route I gave you worked wonders.
FREEZE FRAME.
RANDAL STEVENS as TECHIE ADAMS
EXT. BEACH – DAY
BUTCH
Radical! Looks like I have some time to spare! Thanks, Techie!
TECHIE (OS)
No problemo!
We see various shots of BUTCH casually playing volleyball with the girls, smoking some cigars and playing poker with some fathers on the beach, and another shot of BUTCH going water-skiing. From far-away a voice is heard.
BUSTY (OS)
Butch! The cops are here!
We get a glorious shot of BUSTY BLONDS, a gorgeous babe with a perfect form who is wearing nothing but a skimpy bikini. She blows the camera several kisses.
FREEZE FRAME.
OLIVIA GRIFFIN as BUSTY BLONDS
BUTCH
Busty! My sexually stimulating on-again/off-again girlfriend! Thanks for the heads-up!
10 police squad cars jump from the same sandbank that BUTCH came from and land all around BUTCH’S parked car. Dozens of policemen come from their cars and point their guns towards Butch; who is now seen standing directly infront of a specific police-car. A man steps out of the police-car that BUTCH is standing in front of. This man is known as COLIN HARFUR. He is a tall and well-built man who is wearing cheesy 80’s clothing much like BUTCH’S. COLIN swipes off his sunglasses and shoot a serious stare at BUTCH.
COLIN
You thought you could get away?
COLIN and his policemen break out in laughter.
FREEZE FRAME.
MICHAEL ROSE as COLIN HARFUR
COLIN and his men continue laughing.
BUTCH
There’s just one thing you forgot…
COLIN abruptly stops laughing.
COLIN
What’s that?
BUTCH
I’m a renegade!
BUTCH quickly rolls to the side and hides behind a surf board. He then takes 2 handguns out of his pocket. Meanwhile, COLIN and his men spread out along the beach’s shoreline in an attempt to ambush BUTCH.
BUTCH
They picked the wrong renegade to mess with.
BUTCH swiftly does a backflip. While in mid-air, he manages to shot two officers. Surrounded by a hail of bullets, he manages to get onto a motorboat. He takes the boat out onto the water in an attempt to escape. However, a police boat (manned by BUTCH and his men) catches up with him. The boats then begin to collide with one another. Amidst the chaos, BUTCH picks up a phone on the boat and calls TECHIE.
TECHIE (OS)
Butch! What is it?
BUTCH
Diversion! Now!
TECHIE (OS)
Can do, daddy-o!
INT. TECHIE’S BEDROOM – DAY
TECHIE pushes away the clutter from his desk and begins to type on his computer. The computer screen shows that he is hacking into the US Navy system. He scrolls his mouse over and clicks on a button that reads ‘FIRE TOREPEDO 547TRO’.
EXT. BEACH – DAY
BUTCH is still being hit hard by the police boat. Out of nowhere, a torpedo sneaks up behind COLIN’S boat and explodes it. The explosion kills all of the policemen but sends BUTCH and COLIN soaring through the air. They both land on the beach – bruised and scratched up. BUTCH quickly gets up and hops into his car. He then drives the car over to COLIN, who is still lying on the ground. BUTCH rolls down the window.
BUTCH
And so I win again.
COLIN
I’ll get you Butch! When I do, you’ll be sorry!
BUTCH
I wouldn’t count on that.
BUTCH rolls up his window and does a donut around COLIN, covering him with sand. He then drives over towards BUSTY and lets her into his car. She sits down and puts on her seatbelt.
BUSTY
Another job well-done, Butch!
BUTCH
Yeah… the good times just keep on rolling.
The word ‘rolling’ echoes into silence as the screen fades to black.
MARTAGE PICTURES PRESENTS
A MARTIN BOUSTANY FILM
RENEGADE JUSTICE
INT. LIVING ROOM –NIGHT
We see an overweight and lazy man sleeping on his couch. He is covered in half-eaten CHEETOES. His face is covered in stubble and he is wearing nothing but an undershirt and boxers. He is DAVID MUSSELHOFF. A TV is playing in the background.
TITLE: 2008
The camera slowly pans closer to the TV until it engulfs the whole screen. A show begins.
ANNOUNCER
Welcome back to ‘E! True Hollywood Story’. Today we are looking at the rise and fall of the cast of one of the most popular prime-time TV shows in history. Get ready, as we take an inside look at the cast of RENEGADE JUSTICE.
Throughout the show, various screenshots of scenes from the show appear when the ANNOUNCER speaks.
ANNOUNCER
Renegade Justice was one of the hottest shows of the 1980’s. Created in 1982, the series achieved some of the highest TV ratings at the time. Some episodes managed to scrape up 70 million viewers! On top of that, millions were made in merchandising and there was even a catchphrase that became common in every household in America: YOU DON’T MUSSEL THE HOFF. The show was a phenomenon! It was in 1986 when the ratings began to slip. Somehow, the American public just lost its interest in the show’s characters. BUSTY, the shows eye-candy to male viewers was passing her prime and her looks were beginning to fade. TECHIE, the shows little-boy genius, was beginning to hit puberty. This resulted in severe acne growing all over his body and his voice becoming awkwardly squeaky. Not cute at all. The show’s main villain, COLIN, made it clear that he despised the show and felt that he was made for bigger and better things. Possibly the biggest actor who messed up was the shows main character, BUTCH. Here is an exclusive video interview with series creator, Mike Mall.
We see Mike sitting in a comfortable chair is a cozy room. He is being interviewed.
MIKE
David became really wreckless towards the end of the series. We all knew that the show was soon coming to an end, he just started to burnout. He went to parties almost every night. He had a cocaine, LSD, marijuana, alcohol, and heroin addiction – he was out of control.
Cut back to images of David.
ANNOUNCER
While others fell out of the spotlight after the show ended, David still was in the public eye. For the remainder of the 80’s, David starred in several TV-movies based off of Renegade Justice. However, some of them turned out to be so horrible that companies refused to air commercials while the movies were being broadcasted. In 1990, David hit an all-time low when he had been caught having gay sex with an undisclosed male-prostitute. In 1993, he was entered into rehab in which he stayed in until 1997. It turns out that rehab never worked as he was caught dealing drugs to toddlers only days after his release. After a long 3 years of jail time, David felt it was time to settle down. In 2000, he got a sex change and married transsexual porn star Dixie Normus. They split up in 2003 when David decided to change back into a man. David slipped even further into the depths of stupidity when he accepted a movie-roll which required him to gain 50-pounds for the part. He later found out that the roll was given to another actor. Although a minor setback, David quickly remarried. In 2005 he married, blind monkey-trainer, Irene Duncan. The two enjoyed a nice and simple marriage as David concentrated on losing his gained weight. Unfortunately, the two split up in early 2008 when Irene left David for another man. This was a devastating blow for Dave and he hasn’t been seen in the public eye since the high-profile separation. What’s next for David Musselhoff? Will he continue to slip into oblivion… or will things start to look up for this troubled soul? Only time will tell. Thank you for watching.
The TV suddenly shuts off. DAVID jolts awake and he pulls himself off of is couch. The whole room is a mess, there is garbage on the floor and marks, scratches, and dents line the walls.
DAVID
What the hell?
DAVID walks over to his TV and toggles the ON/OFF button. Nothing happens.
DAVID
sh*t, not again.
INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT
It is DAVID’S bathroom. It is also very messy. Clipped hair covers most of the sink-counter and floor. DAVID turns the knob around on the sink. No water comes out.
DAVID
Water too? You’ve gotta be kidding me!
EXT. DAVID’S HOUSE – DAWN
The house is a small bungalow with a poorly-kept lawn and crappy flower-bed. DAVID is sitting on his front porch as he talks on his cell phone to his agent, OLIVER.
DAVID
Oliver, my man! How’s it going?
OLIVER (OS)
Christ, is this David?
DAVID
Yeah.
OLIVER (OS)
It’s 5:00 in the f*cking morning! On a Saturday!
DAVID
Listen it’s important.
OVILER (OS)
I’m listening…
DAVID
I need to use your shower.
OLIVER (OS)
What? Why?
DAVID
I forgot to pay my electricity and water bills. Okay, I didn’t ‘forget’ – I couldn’t come up with the money.
OLVER (OS)
Listen, Dave, I understand that you’re no good with money – but you have to set your priorities man.
DAVID
Well I can’t really be good with money if I don’t have any, now can I? Oh, by the way, that audition today –
OLIVER (OS)
The one you have in 2 hours?
DAVID
Yeah… no, wait. Isn’t it at 7:00 PM?
OLIVER (OS)
No, it’s 7:00 AM.
DAVID hangs up his phone. He then runs into his garage and opens the door to his car. It is a really sh*tty 1998 Honda Accord. He puts his keys into the ignition and starts the car. He then races the car down his street and around the corner. He glances over at his gas meter and notices that it is LOW.
DAVID
sh*t.
EXT. GAS STATION – MORNING
DAVID turns to car into a nearby gas station. He is still in his boxers and undershirt. When he opens the door to his car, a paparazzo pops up in front of him and takes several pictures. One of the pictures stays on the screen for a second – it is a picture reminiscent to one of Britney Spear’s flashing the camera while stepping out of a car.
DAVID
Go away!
DAVID kicks the photographer in the face.
DAVID
Leave me alone!
DAVID steps out of the car and the photographer staggers backwards, wiping blood of his shirt.
PHOTOGRAPHER
This is going straight to front-page. DAVID MUSSELHOFF, WASHED UP DOUCHEBAG, KICKS INNOCENT REPORTER IN THE FACE. You’re psycho, you know that right?
DAVID
Why are you even taking photos of me while I fill up my gas tank?
DAVID puts a gas nozzle into his car and starts to pump gas in.
PHOTOGRAPHER
People are begging to see another picture of you. The public loves seeing you screw up. They never thought you could hit another low, but after being divorced again – they want to see how low you’ve fallen now.
DAVID
Fine! Take pictures of me! This is raw material right here! This is me doing my day-to-day routine.
DAVID pulls the nozzle out of his car.
DAVID
Oh! I’m done filling my sh*tty car. Bye now!
DAVID steps on his gas and drives out of the gas station. The photographer is left standing, in awe, in the same spot he was in before. After a few seconds, the gas station owner jolts out of his kiosk. The owner is very tough-looking and has a thick Mexican accent.
OWNER
You gonna pay for that now, aren’t you?
The owner pounds his fists into his other cupped hand as the photographer gives a nervous gulp.
INT. DAVID’S CAR – MORNING
DAVID is driving down a road. He turns on the radio.
RADIO ANNOUNCER (OS)
… David Musselhoff – what a guy. New pictures have sprung up on the internet that show him pumping his gas. I’m sure this isn’t the first nozzle that he’s pumped!
Disgruntled, DAVID changes the station.
RADIO ANNOUNCER (OS)
… in gossip news, David Musselhoff is allegedly being charged with assault after having kicked an innocent reporter in the teeth earlier this morning. Looks like he’s got a bunch of pent-up anger after divorcing from his wife.
Unsettled, DAVID changes the station again.
RADIO ANNOUNCER (OS)
… look at this: washed-up douchebag David Musselhoff found shoving carrots up his ass in a truck-stop washroom –
DAVID screams. While driving, he ejects the radio player from its port and whips it out of the car.
DAVID
It was just ‘baby carrots’!!!!!!
INT. OLIVER’S OFFICE – MORNING
DAVID bursts right through the door to OLIVER’S office. It is a plain and simple looking office. OLIVER is seen sleeping on the floor. However, he jolts awake when DAVID comes in.
OLIVER
What the hell? Dave get the f*ck out of my office right now! It’s 7:00 AM!
DAVID
I have to use your shower!
DAVID walks into OLIVER’S office bathroom.
OLVIER
Jesus, you were actually serious!
DAVID
Damn electric and water companies shut down my service.
OLVIER
Why?
DAVID
Because I had like 3 overdue bills. Now excuse me, can you give me some privacy?
OLIVER chuckles and walks back to his desk. DAVID undresses himself and steps into the shower. As the water streams down his body he closes his eyes and visualizes scenes of when he was still with his wife. We see a montage of clips: DAVID and IRENE holding hands on a sunset, DAVID taking off IRENE’S glasses to reveal her blind eyes (scared, DAVID puts the glasses back on), lastly we cut to a scene where IRENE and DAVID are standing in a living room.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
It is a few months prior to present time. DAVID and IRENE and standing in a living room having a conversation. We hear DAVID crying.
IRENE
I’m sorry Dave. It’s just that I love him more and more every day. We actually get each other. Our relationship is just getting stale.
A wide-shot reveals that IRENE is actually faced in the direction of the wall while she was talking and that DAVID was not CRYING – he was LAUGHING.
INT. OLVIER’S OFFICE – MORNING
Back to present time, DAVID is still taking a shower. He snaps his eyes open as there is a loud banging on the bathroom door. DAVID is disgruntled.
DAVID
What?
OLVIER (OS)
It’s 7:20. Hurry up or they won’t even let you audition.
DAVID
sh*t.
INT. DAVID’S CAR – MORNING
DAVID enters his car and starts it up. He rolls down his window and OLIVER sticks his head in.
DAVID
Hey, Oliver, thanks for the clothes.
OLIVER
Anytime, so did you practice for the part?
DAVID
Yeah, what’s the movie about again?
OLIVER
Okay, I’m gonna guess that you just lied. The movie is about some guy. Jason Ipkis, I think – his wife just recently divorced him and he’s going through some things.
OLVIER, who is holding the script in his hands, skims through the pages.
OLIVER
He goes through a drug addiction, he explores homosexuality, he slits his wrists and stuff – it’s supposed to be a tear-jerker.
DAVID
Okay, thanks again Oliver!
OLIVER
Good luck!
DAVID drives off.
INT. AUDITION ROOM – MORNING
DAVID rushes into the room and runs up to the front desk. There is a lady receptionist waiting at the front desk.
RECEPTIONIST
Hello, and you are?
DAVID
David Musselhoff. I have a 7:00 AM audition call.
RECEPTIONIST looks at her clock. It reads 7:40 AM. She rolls her eyes and types into her computer.
RECEPTIONIST
Hmmm, you have an appointment for 7:00 PM tomorrow actually. There must me some sort of mix-up.
DAVID
You’re kidding me, right?
RECEPTIONIST
Sorry.
DAVID, looking defeated, turns from the desk and continues walking towards the door.
STEVEN
Musselhoff?
DAVID stops and turns around. He looks at STEVEN. STEVEN is a middle-aged man with graying hair.
STEVEN
David Musselhoff?!
DAVID
Yeah?
STEVEN
I can’t believe it’s you! You’re auditioning for the part?
DAVID
Yeah, but I’m coming back tomorrow – my appointment got mixed up. You are?
STEVEN
Steven Goldstein, I’m directing and producing the movie! I’ll tell you what, my 7:30 auditioner never showed. I’ll do you right now!
DAVID
Really? But the receptionist said –
STEVEN
Cathy? I’ll always have time for my main man here! Don’t mussel the hoff! Right?
DAVID gives a forced chuckle.
DAVID
Yep, that’s what they say.
STEVEN
Come into my office.
INT. STEVEN’S OFFICE – MORNING
STEVEN takes a seat in his chair behind a desk.
STEVEN
Just stand over there. You have the part of the script that you were supposed to re-enact?
DAVID
Yeah.
DAVID pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket. It is not the section of the script – it is just a blank sheet of paper. He knows that he can’t tell STEVEN that he forgot his script or else this role would be thrown out the window.
DAVID
Yeah, I got it right here.
STEVEN
Alright – the scene so far: You are Jason Ipkis. Your mentally handicapped wife of 4 years, Donna, is confessing to you that she is seeing another man. At the time, you are high on heroin and hiding your homosexuality in the closet. Aaaaaaand GO!
DAVID hesitates for a moment. He has no lines to read. All of a sudden, he begins to improvise from past experience. He limps around as if he was on heroin. He nails every detail involving the scene because he has actually lived through a similar experience.
DAVID
D-d-d-donna. What are you saying? You’re leaving me for him? Some other guy you’ve been seeing for a few weeks? No, this isn’t right – no! no!
DAVID continues to act superbly in front of STEVEN. After DAVID is done his bit, STEVEN claps his hands.
STEVEN
David! That was amazing!
DAVID
Really? Thanks?
STEVEN
I thought you were just some washed-up lowlife. But you still got talent! How come you haven’t landed any parts lately?
DAVID
Well, I’ve been taking a break – you know?
STEVEN
So then what have you been doing to make a living?
DAVID
Umm, I’m a website hostage-holder.
STEVEN c*cks his head is confusion.
DAVID
Well, you see – alright just picture this. You are about to release a movie called ‘Dinosaurs Suck’.
STEVEN
What?
DAVID
Just a name I made up off the top of my head. Anyway, so then, before the movie is released, I’d go onto the internet and register the domain names –
www.dinosaurssuck.com, or
www.dinosaurssuckthemovie.com. Then, when it comes time to promote the movie, advertising agencies have to pay me some big bucks in order to get their website. Catch my drift?
Awkward silence.
STEVEN
That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever f*cking heard.
DAVID
Well –
STEVEN
But, my god, you were born for this part. You are Jason Ipkis.
DAVID
What? I am?
STEVEN
You are perfect for the part!
DAVID
I’m not being Punk’d right? Is that show even on the air still?
STEVEN
How would you like to sign a contract, right here, right now for this role?
DAVID
What about the other auditioners? Any other stars audition for the role? Oh baby, if I beat other high-caliber stars to gain this role I’ll be a big-shot again!
STEVEN
You may actually know one of the people who just came in yesterday…
DAVID
Who?
STEVEN
Michael Rose – does the name ring a bell?
DAVID
Nope.
STEVEN
He gave a very powerful performance – but you’ve just topped it!
INT. BASEMENT CELLAR – MORNING
We see MICHAEL ROSE brandishing a handgun. In front of him are a man, identity unknown, and a women – IRENE DUNCAN – sitting on rusty chairs. They are both strapped to the chairs by duct tape.
MICHEAL
Any last words?
UNKNOWN MAN
F-f-f-f*ck you. You sick asshole.
MICHEAL
Such primitive dialogue to utter in your last moments.
MICHEAL shoots the UNKNOWN MAN in the head. This brains splatter all over IRENE.
IRENE
Let me go! Who got shot?
MICHAEL
That would be your husband.
IRENE
Who is this?
MICHAEL
It’s me, David, you stupid slut.
IRENE
David? Musselhoff? What the f*ck? What are you doing?
MICHAEL
Doing what I should’ve done a long time ago.
MICHEAL shoots IRENE in the head. Her body slumps to the ground. MICHAEL then begins to whistle as he picks up a detonator. As he leaves the basement, we can see that there are barrels of gasoline laying around the room.
EXT. ALLEYWAY – MORNING
MICHEAL is seen walking away from a home. When he is a safe distance away, he activates the detonator and we see a home – in the distance – explode.
INT. STEVEN’S OFFICE – DAY
STEVEN
Perfect, I’ll just tell my people to write in that the character of Jason makes his living by holding websites hostage and bango bongo, you’ve got the part.
DAVID
I guess, I was born to play the role.
STEVEN
That you were, my friend. So listen, I can’t really jump the shark just yet –
DAVID
‘Jump the shark’? Isn’t that the wrong term to use?
STEVEN
Whatever - just give it a few weeks. I’ll work some sh*t out behind the scenes and we’ll call you back soon.
DAVID
Alright, so I’ll be hearing from you soon I guess?
STEVEN
Yep… oh yes, just one more thing, don’t do anything stupid. Casting will still continue and if any of the producers see that you’re messing up in the tabloids – you’ll get the axe. Think you can do that?
DAVID gives STEVEN a reassuring look.
INT. DAVID’S HOUSE – DAY
DAVID, who is very happy, opens the door to his house and walks up to his fridge. He pulls out a bag of baby carrots and begins to walk to the washroom.
DETECTIVE HUDSON (OS)
Where do you think you are going?
Started, DAVID throws the bag of carrots into the air.
DAVID
Who are you?
Out from the shadows appears DETECTIVE HUDSON BANKS. He is a tall, musky man in his mid-40’s.
HUDSON
Detective Hudson Banks. I just want to ask you a few questions – could you sit down for me?
DAVID
Listen, I don’t have to agree to anything you tell me to until I hear from my lawyer –
HUDSON
You – a lawyer? Don’t make me laugh. Don’t make me ask you again.
DAVID
Get out of my house before I call the cops on you.
HUDSON
That wouldn’t help very much.
DAVID
What?
All of a sudden, cops and SWAT members burst through every window and door in DAVID’S house. They tackle him to the ground, handcuff him, then prop him up in a chair.
HUDSON
Hey, check those carrots – they might be explosive.
DAVID
Explosive?! Listen, I just use those carrots for my own sexual desires –
HUDSON
Now you shut up. Listen to me. Answer all of my questions and don’t try to escape. We have this area surrounded by dozens of highly-trained SWAT members and police officers.
DAVID
Is this about that reporter?
HUDSON smacks DAVID across the face.
HUDSON
Listen to me. Only talk when I tell you to.
DAVID
Okay.
HUDSON smacks him again.
HUDSON
Do you know Irene Duncan?
Silence.
HUDSON
Well?
Silence.
HUDSON smacks him across the face again.
DAVID
What was that for?
HUDSON
Oh, so you talk now?
DAVID
You told me not to!
HUDSON
Yes, but you are supposed to talk whenever I ask you a question.
DAVID
Oh alright. For fairness though, I just talked like 3 times and none of those times were to answer a question. So…
HUDSON smacks DAVID across the face 3 times.
HUDSON
Do you know Irene Duncan?
DAVID
Yeah. Of course. I used to be married to her.
HUDSON
When did you divorce her?
DAVID
You’re kidding me, right? It was all over the tabloids and gossip magazines – she cheated on me!
HUDSON
Did you hold a grudge?
DAVID
Yes, I guess. Maybe a little one. Who wouldn’t?
HUDSON
Where did you just come back from?
DAVID
An audition for a movie.
HUDSON
When did you leave the house?
DAVID
I don’t know. 6:00AM?
HUDSON
Did your audition call for an explosives demonstration?
DAVID
No. What are you talking about?
HUDSON
Mr. Musselhoff, your ex-wife’s charred remains were found this morning in the basement of her fiancé’s home.
DAVID
Irene?
HUDSON
Don’t play stupid with me!
DAVID
How did she die?
HUDSON
Bullet wounds were found in her skull. Then you blew up the house that she was in along with her fiancé.
DAVID
Whoa, what? Why did you say ‘you’?
Silence.
DAVID
Are you saying that I am a suspect? I swear that I was just at an audition.
HUDSON
Then explain this!
HUDSON walks away a pulls out a notebook filled with explosives preparation papers.
HUDSON
There were even pictures of you filling up for gas this morning all over the internet. It just so happens that a receipt found in the notebook shows that over $500 worth of gas was purchased from that very gas station this morning at around the same time the reporter claims that you were there.
DAVID
What?
HUDSON
You were jealous that your ex-wife left you so somebody else so you figured to put that whole chapter of your life behind you by eliminating them both from existence.
DAVID seems flabbergasted.
DAVID
Sorry, this is just a lot to take in for a morning. Listen, I just filled up gas for my own car when I was at that gas station. I’ve been framed! Unless I’m still being Punk’d!
DAVID kicks HUDSON in his belt buckle.
HUDSON
Ouch! What the f*ck?!
DAVID
Sorry, I thought that was a microphone adapter.
HUDSON
The evidence goes even deeper. It seems that you didn’t pay your electricity bill, probably to save up for all of the gas!
DAVID
I couldn’t pay my water bills either.
HUDSON
You’re just putting another nail in the coffin now!
DAVID
Funny story, I anticipated the water going out, not the electricity, so I left the water in my bathtub running for a few hours.
INT. DAVID’S BATHROOM – DAY
DAVID’S bathtub is seen almost over flooding with water. All of a sudden, his shower head falls off and lands in the water. Also, suction-cupped soap-holders fall off the side of the wall and into the water, causing a mass amount of water to over-flood. The water is seen gushing into an electrical outlet.
HUDSON (OS)
Funny thing, do you know what else we found in your washroom.
DAVID (OS)
What?
The camera PANS over to a ‘prototype’ barrel of gasoline with an explosive tied to it. It has been planted in DAVID’S washroom by MICHAEL.
INT. OLIVER’S OFFICE – DAY
OLIVER is seen on the phone.
OLIVER (to himself)
I swear he is never going to use my shower again. It takes me so long to maintain a clean shower and he ruins that all in a matter off minutes. The drain is clogged with Musselhoff pubes! Unbelievable!
OLIVER
Ah yes, is this California Utility Services? I’d like to restore power and water to 564 Bake St. Yes. Alright. Thank you.
INT. DAVID’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
DAVID is still tied to the chair.
HUDSON
It’s quite ingenious how you set the electronic explosive devices on each barrel. Having them run on electricity from a power outlet rather than a more expensive portable battery source of energy. You must have a lot of free time on your hands ever since you became a wash-up.
INT. DAVID’S WASHROOM – DAY
Water is just finishing seeping into the power outlet. All of a sudden, all of the lights in the house turn on and the shower starts running again. A power surge sets off a timer on the explosive. The timer is 1 minute.
INT. DAVID’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
The lights have been restored.
HUDSON
What the hell?
DAVID
Awesome, I got my power back!
Silence.
HUDSON
What’s that beeping?
There is complete silence as HUDSON signals all of his men to follow him as he steps toward the washroom. As he is walking he takes out his walkie-talkie.
HUDSON
This is detective Hudson Banks, I repeat this is detective Hudson Banks. All snipers and armed officials waiting outside, please begin to evacuate people from the surrounding area, we believe that there is an activated explosive device within the home of David Musselhoff.
EXT. DAVID’S HOUSE – DAY
Armed officials are seen leaving their positions and knocking on peoples doors, ordering them to evacuate.
INT. DAVID’S HOME – DAY
HUDSON and his men creak open the door to DAVID’S WASHROOM. They all step inside. Meanwhile, DAVID slowly steps further away from the washroom in anticipation of a blast. DAVID then props himself face-down on the ground.
HUDSON
Holy sh*t. Get bomb squad here – stat!
HUDSON focuses his vision on the timer – it reads 0:03.
HUDSON
You have to be kiddin –
A huge explosion rocks DAVID’S house. The entire washroom is blown into an inferno, killing all of the men inside. However, HUDSON just gets violently blown out of the bathroom window and onto the ground below. The fire subsides quickly, but most of the house is still set ablaze. DAVID, although beaten and bruised, is unharmed from the blast.
DAVID
What the hell just happened?!
DAVID quickly gets up, off the ground, and runs into the washroom. The entire roof of the washroom has been blown off. He glances around, horrified, at what is left of his washroom. All of a sudden, a helicopter shines a powerful spotlight directly at DAVID. The helicopter then begins to open fire at DAVID. Scared, he runs out of the bathroom and into his living room. After a few seconds of panicking, he runs into his basement.
INT. DAVID’S BASEMENT – DAY
DAVID runs into his basement and pulls a hidden lever beside a bookshelf. The bookshelf then revolves in a circle as DAVID steps into the hidden room in back of the shelf.
INT. HIDDEN ROOM – DAY
The room is dimly lit with nothing but a radio and a stack of canned goods lying around. DAVID collapses to his knees and falls to the ground. He is out of breath and tired.
DAVID
And Irene said I was stupid for installing a secret bomb-shelter…
DAVID runs out of breath and closes his eyes as the screen fades to black.
INT. DAVID’S HOUSE – EVENING
Firefighters are leaving the house as investigators inspect the charred remains of what used to be his house. HUDSON is seen sitting on a chair, sipping a cup of coffee. An investigator walks up to him.
INVESTIGATOR
Well we can conclude that the bomb got activated after a power surge initiated the device’s emergency starting sequence.
HUDSON
Of course, it all makes sense now. We have underestimated David Musselhoff. Gentlemen, we are dealing with a criminal mastermind. Any word on where he escaped to?
INVESTIGATOR
After the explosion, there was a lot of chaos outside. We figure that he could have just walked away from the home and escaped.
HUDSON
Close up the investigation of his house. We know he is guilty. If we want to catch this slimy bastard then we’ll have to search for him using everything we’ve got!
The CAMERA PANS DOWN as HUDSON finishes talking.
INT. HIDDEN ROOM – EARLY MORNING
DAVID is seen sitting on the ground beside a dim light. He glances at his clock as sees that it reads 4:00am. Silently, he inches his way towards the hidden door and uses it to get into his basement.
INT. DAVIDS’S HOUSE – EARLY MORNING
DAVID is seen sneaking out the back door of the house.
EXT. DAVID’S HOUSE – EARLY MORNING
DAVID exits his backyard and sneaks onto the road. It is pitch black outside. He continues walking until he reaches the road.
POLICEMAN (OS)
THERE HE IS! Get him!
Startled, DAVID begins to sprint down his street. As he runs, a police car begins to chase after him.
POLICEMAN (OS)
Do not resist arrest!
DAVID continues to run, but at a slower pace.
DAVID
f*ck off!
POLICEMAN (OS)
If you do not stop resisting arrest, I will have to disable you from escaping using any means possible.
At this point, DAVID is just lightly jogging. He is very out of breath. The police car is now coasting at a slow speed a few meters behind him.
DAVID
I’m innocent!
The POLICEMAN pulls out a pistol and aims it at DAVID while driving. Unaware of where he is walking, DAVID falls straight into a hole in the ground. As he falls, we see a slow motion shot of a bullet just skimming past DAVID’S head.
POLICEMAN (OS)
Holy sh*t!
The POLICEMAN, out of shock, speeds the car up and drives a few meters past the hole and halts the car to a complete stop. He clambers out of the car and looks toward where he just drove from in complete awe. It is pitch black and he cannot see that DAVID just fell into a hole.
POLICEMAN
Oh my god… I just ran over and killed David Musselhoff!
Another POLICEMAN sticks his head out of the squad car.
POLICEMAN #2
Dude.
The first POLICEMAN walks back into the car and sits down. He continues to drive down the street. He turns to the other policeman.
POLICEMAN
This never happened. Alright?
POLICEMAN #2
Alright.
Silence.
POLICEMAN
Now let’s go get some donuts and coffee.
POLICEMAN #2 turns to the camera.
POLICEMAN #2
Yeah! Stereotyping rocks!
The squad car continues to drive out into the night.
INT. SEWER – MORNING
Sunlight shines through an open manhole. DAVID is lying, face-down, in a large sewer pipe. There are rates rummaging around along with human excrement streaming down the pipe. Suddenly, DAVID awakes. Noticing the dirty water he is lying in, he lifts himself up. He stares up, looking at the open manhole in which he fell from. We get a shot in which we look at just the back part of his body.
DAVID
Ever had a real life situation that was so crazy that you could’ve sworn it was a dream? Ever broken out into narration out of the random?
DAVID turns to face the camera.
DAVID
Well, this is one of those times.
INT. OLIVER’S OFFICE – DAY
DAVID bursts through the front door. While bursting in, he awakes OLIVER, who is sleeping on the floor. OLIVER gets up and confronts DAVID.
OLIVER
What the fuck?! I was just dreaming about being a mermaid and now you’re laying this shit on me? Get out of my office home! I paid for your stupid utilities bill!
DAVID
I’m not here about that –
OLIVER sniffs DAVID.
OLVIER
You smell like shit. Did you accidently leave one of your ‘special carrots’ in your pocket again?
DAVID pulls in pocket inside out, in the process, dumping out human feces.
OLVIER
What the fuck?!!?!
DAVID
I was in the sewers.
OLIVER
Why?
DAVID
Wait, shouldn’t you be calling the cops right now?
OLVIER
Are you high? What are you talking about?
DAVID cocks his head at OLIVER.
DAVID
You haven’t heard yet?
OLIVER
Heard what?
DAVID staggers and falls back into a chair.
DAVID
I’m wanted for murder.
OLIVER
You? Murder?
OLIVER snickers.
OLIVER
What are you on?
DAVID
I’m not ‘on’ anything. I’m sober as shit!
OLIVER
You’re smelly as shit.
DAVID
Har har. Good wordplay. Turn on the news.
OLIVER turns on his TV and flips it to CNN.
NEWS REPORTER
In today’s top stories, Barack Obama has made June 10th ‘National Smack-Talk White People Day.’, but first – terror in California.
DAVID
See, watch!
NEWS REPORTER
There seems to have been a large explosion that has destroyed the home of washed-up TV star, David Musselhoff. Police Chief Brian Fellows had this to say.
BRIAN FELLOWS
Uh, as far as we are concerned the explosion was because of utility issues. Evidence shows that there was a gas leak in the kitchen which ultimately led to an explosion. As of right now, we do not know the whereabouts of Mr. Musselhoff. There is a chance that he had died in the explosion – we are not certain yet.
NEWS REPORTER
Ouch, tough times for David Musselhoff. Early yesterday his ex-wife, Irene, was murdered by an unknown assailant. More on this after the break.
DAVID grabs the remote from OLIVER and turns of the TV.
OLIVER
What the fuck are you doing here then? Wait. Did that guy just say that Irene was found dead?
DAVID
I’ve been framed!
OLIVER
You’re telling me that somebody has killed Irene – pretending to be you?
DAVID
Yeah. Whoever killed her planted an explosive in my house.
OLIVER
The guy on the TV said that the explosion was due to a gas leak though.
DAVID
Yeah, I think there trying to cover something up – but what?
INT. POLICE OFFICE – DAY
HUDSON is sitting on a chair while several other executive members of the police sit around him.
HUDSON
Gentlemen, we cannot allow news of the bomb getting out. We cannot allow news of Musselhoff being his ex-wife’s murderer getting out.
POLICE EXECUTIVE
Why, sir?
HUDSON
Look I talked with the chief and he has granted us a one week window. We have to hunt down and capture David Musselhoff within the week – after a week the chief will have to inform the public of Musselhoff being his ex-wife’s murderer.
POLICE EXECUTIVE #2
Why don’t we just issue a search warrant and inform the public?
HUDSON
We can’t do that, imagine how embarrassing the whole force would look like if the public found out that we let David Musselhoff – mister dumb-as-fuck, carrot dildo, washed-up actor – slip away from us? We’d lose our jobs. That’s why we cannot fail in finding him. We have one week before the shit hits the fan. I need information – stat!
POLICE EXECUTIVE #3
Well, sir, we know that he has one person in the area that could potentially be hiding him.
HUDSON
Who?
INT. OLIVER’S OFFICE – DAY
We see a close-up shot of OLIVER’S face.
OLIVER
Alright, so run this by me again.
DAVID
I went to the audition yesterday right? I came home and the police ambushed me claiming that I had killed my wife. They held me captive and then, out of fucking nowhere, a bomb explodes in my washroom. I escape and hide in that secret room in my basement –
OLIVER
Told you that would come in handy! Best $20,000 I’ve ever made you spend!
DAVID
I know, right? Anyway, I waited until the heat died down then I left my house early this morning. While running, this police car chased after me but I fell into the sewer through an open manhole. Now, I’m here.
OLIVER
Alright, dude, I’m going to be frank with you.
DAVID
Yeah?
OLIVER
I’m not letting you stay here. I will give you a change of clothes though.
DAVID
What the fuck? Why?
OLIVER
Cause you honestly look like a piece of shit right now. Honestly, like if you got a picture of shit off of the internet and put it beside you – I’d be all like: Whoa! Dave, where’d you go?
DAVID
No, I mean why won’t you let me stay here?
OLIVER
I’ve alright got some shit on my criminal record and I don’t need ‘harboring a fugitive of the law’ to be added onto my list of criminal activities.
DAVID
But you aren’t harboring a criminal! I’m innocent and you can prove me to be innocent!
OLIVER
Wait!
DAVID
What?
OLIVER
This is totally like that show you did in the 80’s! What was it called again?
DAVID
Renegade Justice?
OLIVER
Yeah man! ‘Cause now you’re actually running from the law and you are innocent!
DAVID
Yeah, I’m not really a ‘renegade’ though.
OLIVER
Not now – but just watch!
The screen does a ‘FAST-FORWARD’ transition.
INT. OLIVER’S OFFICE – DAY
DAVID bursts open the door from OLIVER’S bathroom and steps out. He is wearing stylish clothing while carrying sunglasses in his hand. In SLOW-MOTION he lifts the glasses up and adjusts them on his face. OLIVER is jumping around DAVID – excited like a little school-girl.
OLIVER
This is SO exciting! So, ‘Butch’, what now?
DAVID
Get your phone, Oliver… we’re going to make a few phone calls.
INT. OLIVER’S OFFICE – EVENING
OLIVER is slouching in his chair with a speaker-phone tucked between his legs. DAVID is sitting in another chair beside OLIVER. A receptionist picks up the phone on the other line.
RECEPTIONIST (OS)
Hello. California Police Department, how can I be of assistance?
OLIVER puts on a bad Jamaican accent as he speaks.
OLIVER
Yeah, I’d like to know any information you have regarding David Musselhoff. I’d like to know what the police are currently doing.
RECEPTIONIST
Why do you want the information?
OLIVER
Uh, because I think I saw him at my…
OLIVER, at a loss of words, glances around his room for something to finish his sentence with.
OLIVER
… I think I saw him at…
OLVIER’S eyes get fixated on a toilet in the washroom.
OLIVER
… at the toilet store.
Silence.
RECEPTIONIST
Sir, are you for real? Toilet Store? That’s a direct reference to ‘Anchorman’.
OLIVER
Oh, sorry I forgot.
RECEPTIONIST
What?
OLIVER shrugs at DAVID is embarrassment.
RECEPTIONIST
Wait, are you Oliver Smith?
OLIVER
Yes, famous agent of various semi-famous actors. That’s me!
RECEPTIONIST
Fuck that, you’re in deep shit now. Good luck.
OLIVER
Wait, what?
OLIVER turns off the phone and throws it on the ground as he walks to the window. He notices dozens of cop cars racing towards his 3-story office complex. He stares in awe.
OLIVER
Uh, Dave?
DAVID
Yeah.
OLIVER
You’re gonna have to tell me the truth right now… did you actually get framed for the murder?
DAVID
I swear on my life that I never did it!
OLIVER
Well then you may want to run!
DAVID walks towards the window and notices the cop cars driving up to the front lobby parking lot.
DAVID
Oh shit!
OLIVER
You have to get out of here!
DAVID
Yeah – but wait. I have no where to go! Fuck!
OLIVER
You have to leave! They’ll catch you here for sure!
DAVID
Wait, let me just hide somewhere in the office complex!
OLIVER
This is going to sound crazy…
OLIVER points at an open window.
DAVID
You’re kidding me!?
OLIVER
You have no choice! Get out!
EXT. OLIVER’S OFFICE – DAY
DAVID exits the window of OLIVER’S office on the 3rd story of the complex. He carefully steps along the window ledges and eventually scales along the side of the building. Just as DAVID scales all around the side to the back, HUDSON and a group of armed policemen burst into OLIVER’S office.
INT. OLIVER’S OFFICE – DAY
2 POLICEMEN tackle OLIVER to the ground and throw a bag over his head. The screen fades to black. When the screen fades back in, OLIVER sits, shirtless and handcuffed, on a chair in his office. The shades have been brought down so that little light makes its way into the room. HUDSON pulls up a chair in front of OLIVER and stares with confident eyes right at DAVID.
HUDSON
Tell me where he is.
OLIVER
Tell you where who is?!
HUDSON turns to a POLICE OFFICER.
HUDSON
Get the ‘black hole of death’.
The POLICE OFFICER returns to HUDSON and hands him a shop-vac. HUDSON presses it against one of OLIVER’S NIPPLES.
HUDSON
I’m not going to ask you again – where is he?
OLIVER begins to tremble in fear.
OLIVER
Who?!
HUDSON
David Musselhoff. The jig is up – we know he’s here.
OLIVER
I haven’t seen David for a whole day. He came here yesterday to freshen-up before going to an audition in the morning.
HUDSON
Oh, I see – so he got you to cover for him…
HUDSON switches on the vacuum and presses it against OLIVER’S NIPPLE, causing for massive suction to occur. After a while of struggling, OLIVER droops his head in defeat and tiredness. HUDSON removes the vacuum from the nipple and throws it on the ground. OLIVER’S nipple is swollen to an extreme where it looks like it will pop open.
HUDSON
Well?
OLIVER
What the fuck!? I haven’t seen him since yesterday! What is this all about?
DAVID peeks his head to the window to get a view of OLIVER being interrogated.
HUDSON
You aren’t making this easy for me –
HUDSON quickly pulls out a pistol and aims it at OLIVER’S head. There is a panic that sweeps across the room. However, everything hushes down after a few seconds.
OLIVER
This escaladed very fast! You just came in here a few minutes ago – you’ve fucked up my house –
HUDSON
Your what?
OLIVER
… house ‘slash’ office. Way to cut off a sentence!
HUDSON
So you live here?
OLIVER
Yes, do you think I’d really hold a fugitive in my own house?
OLIVER’S front door opens and a group of SWAT members enter.
SWAT MEMBER #1
We’ve checked all of the floors – everything is clean.
HUDSON
What about the search for an explosive device?
SWAT MEMBER #1
They came back inconclusive.
HUDSON dismisses the SWAT members. He signals his men to un-cuff OLIVER as he sits back down.
HUDSON
You lucky, lucky man.
HUDSON puts away his gun.
OLIVER
What’s all of this about?
HUDSON
I guess we could tell you…
OLIVER
Because I may have some information regarding where he is…
HUDSON
Alright so here’s the deal: David Musselhoff is wanted for two counts of murder. He murdered his ex-wife and her fiancé. As stupid as it may sound, David outran us and evaded the police. We figured that he’d be hiding with you.
OLIVER
Why haven’t I heard any of this on the news?
HUDSON
For the honour of our police force, I have decided to tell the public that we suspect that David is dead from the explosion in his house and that he had no connections with the murder of his ex and her fiancé. But, if we don’t get him within the next 7 days, then we admit to the public that “new evidence” has appeared that show David to be the real murderer and that he is still at large. The force becomes an embarrassment and I lose my job.
OLIVER
But if you find him, doesn’t that still show that he actually escaped you?
HUDSON
Whoa, whoa… who said anything about ‘finding’ him?
OLIVER
I don’t follow.
HUDSON
We’re going to murder him. Cover it up, say he actually died in the explosion – disintegrated!
OLIVER
Oh, I get it.
HUDSON
You said you had information.
OLIVER
No, I said that I ‘might’ have information.
HUDSON
Oh.
OLIVER
Yeah, I thought you’d miss that.
HUDSON
That’s just great, now you need hush-money.
OLIVER
Cash is fine.
CUT TO: OLIVER waving goodbye to HUDSON and the police squad that was at is house. The squad waves back as they leave.
OLIVER
Yeah, no problem for the cookies! They were no-name brand so it’s cool.
After waiting for the squad to leave, OLIVER shuts the door and runs over to the window. He opens it and DAVID staggers into the house. DAVID walks over to a couch in the office and sits down.
DAVID
Why the fuck were you eating cookies and watching ‘Frasier’ while I was still out of the ledge?
OLIVER
They insisted – I never really got the comedy of ‘Frasier’ though. It’s drier than my dick after being wiped all over your mom’s face.
DAVID
LOL at inappropriate and unnecessary hardcore sexual humour.
OLIVER
Indeed.
OLIVER waltzes over to the window and checks to see if the cops have left.
OLIVER
So listen, I’ve got some good news and some bad news.
DAVID
Alright.
OLIVER
The bad news is that the entire police force in this town is pretty much corrupt.
DAVID’S face grows weary.
DAVID
Aw, you’re kidding me?
OLIVER
Nope. Yeah, so they basically just want you dead. He said some pretty graphic things about how they’d kill you.
DAVID
Fuck, so then what’s the good news?
OLIVER
I just got a lil’ something, something…
DAVID
Hmm?
OLIVER
Hush money!
DAVID
Awesome! What did they give you? Like $10,000?!
OLIVER
Subtract 3 zeroes from that and you’re right!
DAVID
They only gave you $10?!
OLIVER
Oops, add 1 zero. Sorry.
DAVID
$100, then? Alright, well at least that is something.
OLIVER
Wait! They said that after one week the shit hits the fan and you will just get arrested. You’ll have a fair trial. Just chill with me for the week, dude.
DAVID
Hey, yeah. You’re right! This is going to be sick!
OLIVER
Sweet, I’ll rent a few pornos and we’ll have a real raging time.
DAVID
Oh shit.
OLIVER
Oops, heh, did I say ‘pornos’? I meant ‘action movies’.
OLIVER shifts his eyes around suspiciously.
DAVID
It’s not that – I just remembered:
STEVEN (VO)
Yep… oh yes, just one more thing, don’t do anything stupid. Casting will still continue and if any of the producers see that you’re messing up in the tabloids – you’ll get the axe. Think you can do that?
STEVEN’S voice echoes away as DAVID comes to a realization. His expression turns blank.
DAVID
I’m fucked. I can’t just stay here.
OLIVER
What? Why?
DAVID
I totally forgot to tell you! I pretty much landed the part for Jason Ipkis in that movie I auditioned for yesterday. So I’m screwed either way – they find me within the week and I die (I don’t get the part), they release the information in a week about me wanted for my wife’s murder (I don’t get the part).
OLIVER
Oy vey!
Silence.
OLIVER
You’re forgetting one thing – you can still try and clear you’re name within the week. You’ll look like a hero and land that part for good!
DAVID
I can’t! Do you know how dangerous that is! It’s me against the law and if the law has taught me anything it’s that –
OLIVER
Fuck the law! Listen, if ‘Renegade Justice’ has taught me anything its that you have to take shit into your own hands and grow some ball-hairs and stand up for yourself!
DAVID
Stop referring to that stupid show! It was a gig I did in the 80’s! Get over it! This is real life and I need real help!
OLIVER
You know what? I think you do need help –
DAVID
Yeah.
OLIVER
From the ‘Renegade Squad’!
DAVID
Shut up about it!
OLIVER
Think of it, remember that kid you co-starred in the show? He played ‘Techie’…
DAVID
Not computing.
OLIVER
I read in an online blog that he just won a state technology-expo in the field of espionage.
DAVID
Really? You’re not bullshitting me?
OLIVER
I swear – listen, take…
OLIVER pulls a $100 out of his roll of cash given to him.
OLIVER
…take this $100 and get to Randal’s house.
DAVID
Randal?
OLIVER
Randal Stevens, he was a co-star on the show. He played Techie Adams. He’s still a client of mine so I have his contact information somewhere.
OLIVER scrambles through his desk drawers, looking for the contact sheet. After a while of searching, he pulls the sheet out. He gives it to DAVID.
OLIVER
Go. Now!
DAVID reads over the contact sheet.
DAVID
Wait a second! It says that he lives in Los Angeles! That’s far!
OLIVER
Funny thing, it just so happens that I rent my car out to people for the low price of $100.
EXT. OLIVER’S OFFICE PARKING LOT – DAY
DAVID revs up OLIVER’S car. He races it out of the parking lot and bashes through the parking gate at the front. DAVID continues to drive away while OLIVER stares out his office window.
OLIVER
Was that really necessary?!?!
