Post by Dale on Feb 23, 2010 14:43:34 GMT -5
World's Finest
INT. DAILY PLANET - DAY
In a bland cubicle farm people sit at their computers typing in silence. Among them is CLARK KENT, the most typical of the bunch. His monitor shows the story he is writing, "President Luthor visits Gotham. Pledges more support for earthquake relief." LOIS LANE breaks his concentration.
LOIS
Clark, just got a hot tip that I think you might be interested in. Someone you know has been spotted at the fairgrounds.
CLARK
Who? Luthor doing some publicity shots?
LOIS
Clark, it's Brainiac.
He sits there, stunned.
LOIS
Are you alright?
CLARK
That can't be right. He's in the Phantom Zone. How would anyone even know if it was Brainiac?
LOIS
He's not exactly making a secret of it.
CLARK
What do you mean?
LOIS
Maybe you should just go down there and see for yourself.
EXT. FAIRGROUNDS - DAY
SUPERMAN arrives to the bustling theme park covered in rides and tents, and attracts quite a bit of attention when he is spotted. He lands and walks around until he finds what he is looking for. A small tent with a large sign that reads "THE GREAT BRAINIAC." A carnie plays for the crowd, promoting the show.
CARNIE
Step right up! Step right up to see the Great Brainiac! The world's greatest psychic! Five dollars a question and he'll prove he knows everything about you! No secret too shameful, no dark corners of your mind that he can't probe!
Superman approaches the tent and talks to the carnie.
SUPERMAN
Look, I don't have any money, no pockets, but I would really appreciate it if you let me in there. It's pretty important.
BRAINIAC (O.S.)
Let him in.
CARNIE
Go ahead.
Superman walks into the tent.
INT. BRAINIAC'S TENT - DAY
The only things in the tent are a table with a crystal ball and a guy in an elaborate purple outfit, complete with a flowing cape and a tiara-like crown fitted with rubies.
BRAINIAC
Hello Kal-El.
SUPERMAN
You... know my name.
BRAINIAC
Ha. That's not psychic. Everyone knows your name. Practically every villain you fight screams it every chance they get. It's an honor to meet you.
SUPERMAN
We haven't met before?
BRAINIAC
I don't think so. I'd remember something like that.
SUPERMAN
So you're new here?
BRAINIAC
Actually I've been here for a few months. Not getting much business though. I recently updated my whole image. New costume, name.
SUPERMAN
Brainiac.
BRAINIAC
Cool, huh? Real name's Milton. Milton Fine.
SUPERMAN
Well Mr. Fine, are you any good?
BRAINIAC
Do you want to go there? You seem like the type with an intense private life, and I wouldn't want to intrude.
SUPERMAN
I think I'll be fine.
BRAINIAC
Oh really? Your favorite color? Pink.
SUPERMAN
Ha ha ha. Good one. Like that's true.
BRAINIAC
More? When you were a kid you had a dog named... Krypto.
SUPERMAN
Got you there. I never had a dog.
BRAINIAC
Sorry, must've gone too deep into your childhood, before you can consciously remember.
SUPERMAN
Whatever you have to tell yourself.
BRAINIAC
Quite the skeptic are we now? You know, the mind will justify anything it doesn't want to believe. I thought you of all people would be more open minded.
SUPERMAN
Well you put on quite the show, but I just don't go for it. I know plenty of people who would get a kick out of you though. Keep up the good work. I'll be seeing you, Milton.
Superman leaves the tent.
BRAINIAC
And I you, Clark.
INT. JOKER'S CELL - DAY
In a dark empty cell stands THE JOKER, facing away from the door. The door is silently opened by DR. HARLEEN QUINZEL, as we can read on the name tag pinned to her lab coat.
JOKER
Hello Clarice.
QUINZEL
Excuse me?
Joker spins around to face Quinzel.
JOKER
Movie humour. I love it!
Quinzel giggles like a school-girl.
QUINZEL
Oh you! You should be a comedian!
JOKER
I like to think I am.
QUINZEL
Well, yes... Thank goodness the weekend's over. I can't stand that much time away from my Clown Prince of Charming.
JOKER
Now don't go spreading that around. If your superiors found out this would probably be what they call a conflict of interest. If you lost your job I'd never get to see you.
QUINZEL
I wish we could be together all the time.
JOKER
The day will come when that will be true. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday. We must be patient.
QUINZEL
You're right, as always. Let's stick to business. How have you been feeling lately?
JOKER
To be honest... I've been getting a little bored.
QUINZEL
If there's anything I can do to help you, I'd only be doing my job.
JOKER
Well, my little harlequin, I suppose there is a way you can help me.
INT. NEWSROOM - NIGHT
CAT GRANT sits at the anchor desk giving the news.
CAT
Gotham City is in a state of panic tonight after Arkham Asylum, the country's largest institution for the criminally insane, seems to have misplaced a patient. Several years ago the serial killer known only as The Joker was found incapacitated by police, crediting his defeat to Batman. Officials noticed his absense earlier tonight, but surveillence tapes show he was taken through security this afternoon by an attending psychologist who officials suspect was under threats by the mass murderer.
INT. MILTON'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Milton Fine, in a cheap band t-shirt and sweatpants rather than his elaborate Brainiac garb, sits in a run down apartment watching the news broadcast on an old tv when he hears a high pitched voice.
VOICE (O.S.)
This Joker guy sounds like quite the character. I like him.
MILTON
You're here? Where are you?
VOICE (O.S.)
That's for me to know and you to MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!
MILTON
Yeah, well, the powers you gave me aren't working. I'm still not getting any business.
VOICE (O.S.)
Look at you. You're just some struggling circus freak lying about his powers. I make them real, and ask for absolutely nothing in return, except at least a little thanks.
MILTON
Sorry. It does help a little, I guess. I met Superman today.
VOICE (O.S.)
Oh yeah. That guy's a laugh.
MILTON
You know him?
VOICE (O.S.)
Very well. Bit of a killjoy, but fun to mess with. Did he like your act?
MILTON
He didn't believe me.
VOICE (O.S.)
Yeah, that's him alright.
MILTON
You know, I don't mind being called a liar when I'm lying, or just finished lying, or even when I'm about to lie, but not when I'm telling the truth. What's the use of being psychic if nobody believes me?
VOICE (O.S.)
You're just not a creative guy. In fact, you are zero fun. I'm outta here. I'm gonna find a new toy.
MILTON
Well take these powers back. I don't want them.
VOICE (O.S.)
No, I don't think so. It's more fun this way. Bye Milton.
MILTON
Wait! Come back!
Hearing no response, Milton sits alone in front of the TV.
INT. DAILY PLANET - NIGHT
Clark is just leaving when he runs into Lois.
LOIS
So judging by the fact that the city wasn't destroyed, I'm guessing that lead into Brainiac was a dead end?
CLARK
Just some circus sideshow who thought it was a cool name. Nothing special. Nice guy though.
LOIS
What is he? Like a clown or something?
INT. RESTURANT - NIGHT
Joker and Quinzel sit in a booth at a fancy resturant. Quinzel is barely recognisable in a red and black clown suit with a matching jester hat. The waiter nervously brings them plates of expensive looking food in extremely small portions. Everyone in the room stares silently at them.
JOKER
Did anyone ever tell you it's impolite to stare?
Everyone quickly turns away.
JOKER
That's better. Ah... $30 a plate for this? And they call me criminal! Oh well. I suppose what you're really paying for is the atmosphere. My life is perfect. With the woman that I love in the most fun city in the world. If there's only one problem... It's too perfect. I have everything I ever wanted. What's left to do? To strive for?
QUINZEL
Well actually, I think we could use a change of pace anyway. Start anew. Begin a fresh life.
JOKER
What are you proposing?
QUINZEL
I was thinking we should leave Gotham. Leave... all of this. I got us something...
Quinzel hands Joker two passports. He opens it to find his picture and the name "JACK NAPIER." The other one has Quinzel in her jester outfit with the name "HARLEY QUINN."
JOKER
Harley Quinn. Well, very clever, Harley, but I don't think it will work. I tend to attract a lot of attention.
The door is thrust open and Batman walks in, once again collecting the room's attention. He approaches the Joker's table.
JOKER
See what I mean?
BATMAN
Everyone might want to get out of here.
They do. The resturant is left empty save for Batman, Joker, and "Harley".
BATMAN
Let's not make this any harder than it has to be. Let the doctor go.
JOKER
Just as I was wondering if a first date could go any worse, you show up with your complete lack of manners. Honestly! The lady is here of her own volition.
HARLEY
I still thought we were having a wonderful night.
JOKER
Any night with you is wonderful, my lady, but this... animal has insulted you, and I think we should teach him a lesson in etiquette. Now, excuse me, sir, but would you care to step outside?
The Joker stands up...
BATMAN
No.
... and gets punched in the face.
HARLEY
How dare you?!
Harley leaps out of her seat and hits Batman with a flying roundhouse kick, knocking him to the ground.
HARLEY
I know kung fu?
JOKER
I love you more every day.
The disembodied voice from Fine's apartment reappears.
VOICE (O.S.)
More than two fighters does make for a more entertaining match, but two against one just isn't fair. Hold on a second, Bats, I know just who to call.
The Ghostbusters appear in the center of the room, looking very confused as their theme song plays out of nowhere.
VOICE (O.S.)
Just kidding.
The Ghostbusters disappear as quickly as they came.
JOKER
I like this guy.
VOICE (O.S.)
No, I think you know who I really mean. I know you met him before, Batman. Here he is...
Superman appears, looking just as confused as the Ghostbusters.
JOKER
Superman! You won't believe who was just here!
SUPERMAN
What on Earth is going on?
VOICE (O.S.)
Batty here could use a little support, and I figure you're as good a help as anybody.
SUPERMAN
That voice... I know that voice... It can't be...
A short man with wild hair topped in a purple derby hat and orange suit appears.
SUPERMAN
Mxyzptlk.
MXY
That's Mr. Mxyzptlk to you! People in this town! No manners!
JOKER
Tell me about it!
BATMAN
Who is this clown?
MXY
You don't know me, Batman? I know you. You're very popular where I'm from. I know this one guy... let's just say his fandom borders on obsession. Bit of a wierdo if you ask me, but you didn't, so let's move on. Kal-El here already knows my story, so to not bore him I'll give you the condensed version. Long story short, I'm from the fifth dimension, you're from the third. I'm not bound by your laws... you know what? I'm sure he'll fill you in later.
SUPERMAN
I thought... I thought I killed you...
MXY
I got you good with that one, didn't I? Please. Nobody here appreciates a good joke anymore, except for this guy.
JOKER
Thanks.
MXY
I was talking about tall, dark, and handsome here. I mean would you look at this suit?! He must be joking! Can I get a high five?!
Joker and Mxy exchange a celebratory overhead hand slap.
MXY
You couldn't seriously think you killed me. I had already shown my two most important traits: I love to mess with you, and I can do whatever the hell I want.
SUPERMAN
And what do you want with me now?
MXY
Well these three were about to exchange fisticuffs and I thought I should even the odds for the Bat. This is taking too long. Let's cut to the chase.
EXT. THE BRIDGE - NIGHT
The group appears in a two dimensional plane with a background and a foreground. Superman and Joker in fighting poses on a bridge in the foreground, Batman and Harley chained up in the background, Mxy standing between them, shirtless, wearing a cape and skull helmet.
MXY
I want a good clean fight. Lose twice and you're out.
SUPERMAN
I'm confused...
Superman's concerns go unaddressed. As Mxy speaks his next words they appear superimposed in a dripping red blood font.
MXY
Ready... FIGHT!
Superman and Joker do jump flips toward each other, standing face to face when Joker does sweep kick and knocks his opponent down. Superman gets up and dusts himself off.
SUPERMAN
How did the Joker just physically hurt me?
MXY
It's magic or something. Point is you'll be physically as strong as these guys until I say so. Don't worry about it.
SUPERMAN
What?
The Joker takes this opportunity to uppercut Superman, who goes flying into the air and misses the bridge on his way down.
INT. THE PIT - NIGHT
He falls down a deep shaft and lands in a spiked pit. Mxy's words are once again superimposed on screen.
MXY (O.S.)
Fatality! The Joker wins!
EXT. THE BRIDGE - NIGHT
Joker does a victory pose.
MXY
I'm bored of this... Time for a change of venue.
INT. WRESTLING RING - NIGHT
Batman and Harley appear in the corners of the ring, Superman, Mxy, and Joker on the sidelines.
SUPERMAN
How am I alive?
MXY
I put in another quarter and pressed Continue for you when you weren't looking.
SUPERMAN
What are you talking about?
MXY
Just shut up and watch the fight.
Harley runs at Batman and gets him in a full nelson. She throws him into the ropes and as he bounces back, brutally clotheslines him. The crowd boos and Harley plays the bad guy for them, yelling and making obscene gestures. Groggy, Batman uses the distraction to climb the pole in the corner, leap into the air, and take her down. The Joker reaches his hand into the ring.
JOKER
Tag me in! Tag me in!
Harley tags him and Joker climbs into the ring, taking a folding chair with him. He smashes Batman over the head with it, knocking him out.
MXY
Ooh! That just gave me an idea!
INT. TALK SHOW SET - DAY
Batman, Superman, Harley, and Joker sit in a row of chairs on a stage while Mxy wears a suit and holds a microphone.
MXY
Our topic today is people who hate each other. Joker, you say Batman hates you and doesn't approve of your lifestyle. Why do you think that is?
JOKER
Well Mxy, I really don't know. I mean, I try and I try to gain his approval, but he just locks me out. Nothing I do seems to please him.
HARLEY
Who is this freak to judge anybody? What do you got against my man?
BATMAN
Your man is a homicidal maniac.
HARLEY
Don't you talk about my man like that! Don't make me come outta this chair!
BATMAN
Bring it, bitch.
Harley jumps out of her chair and attacks Batman, causing a big bald security guard to step in and hold her back. Joker gets out of his chair to calm her down.
JOKER
Come on, baby. Don't let this guy get to you. Let's just calm down. You don't have to fight him...
Joker walks Harley back to her chair and sits her down.
JOKER
Because I will!
Joker throws his chair across the stage, knocking Batman to the ground. Mxy sits in a chair off to the side and talks to the camera.
MXY
What have we learned here today? You can work and work for someone's approval but at the end of the day the only person you really have to work for is yourself. Do what makes you happy, and if in the end they still hate you... throw a chair at them. Remember, take care of yourself, and each other.
INT. BOXING RING - NIGHT
Superman and Joker face each other with boxing gloves. Mxy stands in the middle in a striped shirt holding a microphone hanging from the ceiling. Batman and Harley are in the crowd.
MXY
In the red corner, six foot four, weighing in at 200 pounds, Kal "The Superman" El! And in the purple corner, five foot nine, 117 pounds, The "No Other Name" Joker! Let's get ready to rumble!
Mxy steps out of the ring and the bell rings. Superman bobs and weaves, getting in a few light jabs before Joker lands a punch right in the eye. Supes is knocked back, feeling pretty groggy, his face bleeding. Joker moves in for the kill and lands several more hits before the bell rings and they retreat back to their corners. Superman's eye badly swollen, Batman approaches him.
BATMAN
Eye of the tiger, kid. Eye of the tiger! This might hurt...
Batman uses a razor to pop the swelling over Superman's eye. In the other corner Joker and Mxy have a casual conversation.
JOKER
We should really hang out more.
MXY
You know, I was just thinking the same thing! You wanna grab some beers, watch the game sometime?
The bell rings.
JOKER
I'll be back in a minute.
Joker moves in much more aggressively and brutally beats Superman, who can't get a single hit. With one final blow he's knocked out. Mxy begins the countdown...
MXY
10, 9, 8...
JOKER
Come on, come on, while we're young...
MXY
3, 2, 1, and that's the match!
Joker raises his arms in victory while Superman climbs out of the ring and is swarmed by the crowd.
SUPERMAN
Lois! Lois!
The crowd chants "Rematch! Rematch!"
SUPERMAN
Aint gonna be no rematch!
MXY
Well, it's been really fun, but I gotta go. Tell you what, we should do this again sometime. Yeah?
JOKER
Definately.
MXY
Alright. See ya.
INT. MILTON'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Fine, who had fallen asleep on the couch, does the classic move of sitting straight up after waking from a nightmare. His tv is still on and he sees the story of The Joker's escape being rebroadcast.
MILTON
I must have weirdos on my mind. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and everything about that crazy imp will be a dream...
Milton gets up, shuts off the TV, and goes to bed.
EXT. FAIRGROUNDS - DAY
In a heated game of whack-a-mole, Clark swings the hammer down and misses his target, smashing the machine and shocking onlookers. He hands the hammer back to the carnie and he and Lois walk away.
LOIS
What was that?
CLARK
Sorry, I didn't get a good night's sleep.
LOIS
Yeah, well, you might wanna go to bed earlier or risk causing an earthquake.
CLARK
Whatever. Let's go do something more relaxing. Ferris wheel or something. Anyway, I had a dream that... one of Superman's rogues gallery returned.
LOIS
Brainiac!
CLARK
No, it was...
LOIS
Brainiac! Over there! Let's go see him. It'll be fun!
Lois points to the sign advertisng The Great Brainiac.
CLARK
Really? Come on. That's not really my thing.
Lois is already dragging him in, handing a bill to the carnie...
CLARK
He's not even that good....
INT. BRAINIAC'S TENT - DAY
... and entering the tent, where Brainiac sits, in full character.
BRAINIAC
Lois Lane.
CLARK
Recognise her from TV?
BRAINIAC
You got me. It's good to meet you again, Clark.
CLARK
What? Oh, sorry, I almost dozed off there for a second.
BRAINIAC
Nightmares last night?
CLARK
Yeah.
BRAINIAC
And yet you don't believe in my powers.
CLARK
What gave me away?
BRAINIAC
You practically told me.
CLARK
Well let's get this over with...
LOIS
Clark! You are being so rude!
BRAINIAC
It's quite alright. I know how important a good night's sleep can be to one's mood. I didn't have what you would call pleasant dreams last night either. Now, if you would each take a seat...
Lois and Clark sit across from Brainiac. The lights dim and the crystal ball glows. Clark rolls his eyes.
BRAINIAC
Ask me a question about yourself, any question at all, and I'll prove that I truly am the Great Brainiac! The greatest psychic on Earth!
LOIS
You go first, Clark. You're the skeptic. Try your hardest to stump him and see if you're right.
CLARK
Alright. What was my dream last night?
Brainiac stares into Clark's eyes... After a moment of concentration he sees flashes of Batman, Joker, Harley Quinn, and Mr. Mxyzptlk. Brainiac instantly snaps out of his trance, paniced.
BRAINIAC
I'm really sorry. I have to go.
Brainiac gets up and leaves the tent. Clark turns to Lois.
CLARK
So was I right, or what?
LOIS
Clark, did anyone ever tell you that you are no fun?
CLARK
This one guy. I can't get him out of my head.
EXT. FAIRGROUNDS - DAY
Brainiac runs outside into the crowd, and hears the thoughts of every single person. Overwhelmed, he purposefully speaks out loud to himself.
BRAINIAC
I have to get out of here.
EXT. METROPOLIS STREETS - DAY
Lois and Clark are walking home when they see huge groups of people running out of Metropolis park. Lois calls to one of the people.
SCARED CIVILLIAN
Zombie!
CLARK
You'd better get home.
Clark runs off at super speed to investigate the problem.
LOIS
Like I'm gonna miss this.
EXT. METROPOLIS PARK - DAY
Superman arrives at the cause of the panic to see the memorial to Superboy and Steel. The tomb it is built over is smashed open, and the body of SUPERBOY climbs out of the rubble. He looks like a younger version of the man of steel, but in a black leather "X-Men" style suit with the familiar red S-emblem on it. Supes runs over to him.
SUPERMAN
How are you alive?
SUPERBOY
He's probably asking himself the same thing.
Superman turns around to find BIZARRO.
BIZARRO
Two Supermans! Bizarro help Supermans save city!
SUPERMAN
What's going on?!
Bizarro starts random destruction around the city, causing Superman and Superboy to attack him. Bizarro blows flame breath at Superboy, keeping him at bay. Superman flies into the air and shoots Bizarro with his super-breath, but before it reaches him Bizarro shoots "cold vision" out of his eyes, freezing Superman and sending him plummetting to the ground.
INT. MILTON'S APARTMENT - DAY
Walking into his apartment, Milton takes off his Brainiac cape and crown and flicks on the tv, where Cat Grant delivers the news.
CAT
The strange occurences are being investigated by various government agencies. President Lex Luthor is in Gotham City today overseeing the reconstruction after last year's earthquake, and has called an impromptu press conference to address the mysterious goings on.
The TV switches to a clip of LEX LUTHOR, bald, wearing presidential attire, addressing a group of reporters, but Milton isn't paying attention.
MILTON
If what I was seeing last night was Superman's dream, then I can read minds at long distance... My powers are increasing, or maybe I'm just getting better at them... I need to test this.
Milton stares intensely at the TV until he finds himself...
INT. PRESS CONFERENCE - DAY
... looking out over a crowd of reporters. He hears a voice coming from his own body...
LUTHOR
We are unsure of what exactly is causing these phenomenon, but I can assure you that we will find the source...
MILTON (V.O.)
Outstanding... It works.
INT. MILTON'S APARTMENT - DAY
Milton snaps out of his trance.
INT. PRESS CONFERENCE - DAY
Luthor has suddenly stopped speaking and the crowd looks confused at him.
REPORTER
Excuse me, Mr. President. What works?
LUTHOR
I'm sorry... As I was saying...
Luthor suddenly disappears, shocking the crowd, who reacts in even more terror when the Joker pops into his place.
JOKER
Ladies and gentlemen of Earth, I have a joke. How many politictians does it take to make the world one hell of a boring place? Only one, therefore I have decided to get rid of all of them become supreme ruler of every country on the planet. As my first act, the color orange is now purple. I like purple.
Instantly, all the orange objects in sight, fruit, clothing, the paint on the walls, all turn a shade of purple. Out the window the setting sun looks purple. Everyone is shocked and confused.
EXT. APARTMENT ROOF - NIGHT
Milton hasn't even noticed the extreme state of the world. He sits serenely on the roof of his building looking up at the sky, and stares at a distant green light...
EXT. OA - NIGHT
Milton gets a first person view of an alien, one among many, all of different species but dressed in similar green outfits with matching emblems. They all listen intently to a short, blue alien addressing them from a raised stage. Milton looks up and sees an unusually bright shooting star, and past it sees a planet seemingly on fire...
EXT. APOKOLIPS - NIGHT
Milton's new body is in another large group of aliens, all of the same species, looking up at their benevolent ruler, a large, rock-like figure in blue armor. The crowd chants "Darkseid! Darkseid!" The shooting star flys over the planet. Milton follows it until his attention is grabbed by a distinctive red planet.
INT. MARS - NIGHT
Milton's next host is in an intense battle between a group of green aliens and a group of white aliens. As the shooting star passes over this planet, the battle shakes Milton out of his trance.
EXT. APARTMENT ROOF - NIGHT
Milton looks a bit shaken, but is satisfied with his practise of telepathy. The shooting star he was following comes closer to Earth, and he takes a closer look at it.
INT. PHANTOM ZONE - NIGHT
Milton finds himself once again in someone's mind, his only view is of complete nothingness. He lifts his hands in front of his face to see rock-like arms with large spikes protruding. Suddenly he blacks out...
EXT. APARTMENT ROOF - NIGHT
... Milton's body convusles uncontrolably for a moment when he suddenly comes to full awareness. He stands up and looks out at the world around him.
MITLON
Freedom... At last...
INT. MXY'S PRISON - NIGHT
Mxy sits in a cell, looking worried rather than his usual happy self. Harley walks past the bars and Mxy jumps to his feet, grabbing the bars and yelling to his captor.
MXY
Quinzel! You need to let me out of here! You don't know the kind of danger we're all in! If my abilities fall into the wrong hands!...
HARLEY
Please. You lost fair and square. Live with it.
MXY
Why did you even come in here if you're not gonna help me?
HARLEY
What can I say? I was bored.
Harley walks back into the other room.
MXY
No! Come back! We must warn the world! I need to get the message out! Somebody needs to hear me!
INT. MILTON'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Milton carefully surveys his apartment as if seeing it for the first time. He opens the closet and finds his Brainiac costume. He looks at it, picking up the crown, and seems rather pleased.
INT. MXY'S PRISON - NIGHT
Mxy closes his eyes and concentrates on his thoughts.
MXY (V.O.)
Milton! Milton Fine! Listen to me! I know you can hear me! Milton Fine!
INT. MILTON'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Milton is just finishing dressing himself in the Brainiac costume, placing the crown on his head, when he hears Mxy's cries for help.
MXY (V.O.)
This is Mr. Mxyzptlk! I know you can hear me! The Joker stole my powers! Milton! Milton!
MILTON
Milton isn't here. This is Brainiac.
INT. MXY'S PRISON - NIGHT
Mxy breaks out of his trance.
MXY
No. No no no... We are in more danger than I even imagined...
INT. MILTON'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Brainiac looks pleased with himself.
BRAINIAC
It seems this Milton is quite a suitable host. I am sure my 12th level intellect will be able to find uses for his telepathy that he never even dreamed of. I must test the extent of these abilities.
Brainiac looks out the window, robotically surveying the strange surroundings which now include everything from chocolate sidewalks to giant ants roaming the streets.
BRAINIAC
This is not correct. Earth has changed far more than it should have in the time I have been away.
EXT. METROPOLIS STREETS - NIGHT
Brainiac spots Superman and Superboy battling Bizarro in the distance.
BRAINIAC
Some things never change! Kal-El and Luthor's blasted clones!
Brainiac focuses on Superboy...
With a brutal attack, Superboy grabs Bizarro and throws him across the city, through buildings, vehicles, and anything else that gets in the way. Bizarro lands and disintegrates into a pile of dust, dead. Superman is disgusted.
SUPERMAN
How could you do that?
SUPERBOY
It was not difficult, Kal-El. I will show you.
Superboy attacks, sucker punching Superman in the gut. They fight so fast the eye can barely see, just the destruction of buildings that the fight moves through. Superman gets in one good punch, leaving Superboy in a crater in the ground. Superman then uses his freeze breath to incapacitate his rival.
INT. MILTON'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Brainiac comes out of his trance, looking at the confused Superman in the distance.
BRAINIAC
Kal-El truly is more powerful than Luthor's clone. Well, no matter, my new host's powers accomidate for that.
Brainiac focuses in on Superman.
SUPERMAN
Now to find Luthor.
EXT. GOTHAM STREETS - NIGHT
Batman is in an alley battling a thug who draws a gun. He aims for the face and begins to pull the trigger when the gun turns into a baloon and pops in his hand. Batman looks dumbfounded (not to mention the thug), but still takes his foe out with one punch. He ventures into the street to find the streetlights have turned into candy canes and electrical lines are made of snakes.
BATMAN
This was definitely not in the job description.
Batman's attention is grabbed by a huge crash and a skyscraper falling to the ground a block away. The dust clears and Superman hovers where the building used to be.
SUPERMAN
Luthor! Show yourself! I know you are in this city! First you betray Zod and I, then your defective merchandise helps Kal-El imprison me in the Phantom Zone! I will have my revenge!
BATMAN
Great. It's like Zod all over again. Luthor's starting to win me over with his stance on illegal aliens.
Batman reaches into a black compartment on his utility belt and removes two rings, each with a glowing green stone. He looks only the least bit nervous as he puts one on each hand and confronts Superman.
BATMAN
Oh sure, anyone can knock down a building, but why don't you come down here and pick on someone your own size?
This catches Superman's attention and he comes to land in front of his challenger.
SUPERMAN
Batman: Known aliases, none. Trademark skills, martial arts training, use of unique tools and gadgets, high strategic intelligence. Superhuman abilities, none. My files must be incorrect. No normal human would be foolish enough to challenge me and still be known for high intelligence. Nevertheless, if I destroy you, I will no longer be incorrect.
BATMAN
Why don't you give that a try?
Superman walks closer, only to be knocked to the ground by the Dark Knight's punch. Superman looks puzzled at his opponent, and Batman holds up his hand, showcasing the green ring.
BATMAN
This isn't the first time I've had to deal with your kind. They call you a boyscout, yet I'm the one who knows to always be prepared.
Superman gets up, lifts Batman by the throat, and throws him through a building. As the dust clears the rubble shakes and Batman staggers to his feet.
BATMAN
You're gonna have to do better than that.
SUPERMAN
It's easy to lose track of time when there is nothing but an empty void to measure against, but it changes your perspective. Now, taking a few extra seconds to kill an insolent fool seems like no time at all.
EXT. METROPOLIS STREETS - NIGHT
Superboy lies in a crater in the street, slowly coming to consciousness. A large crowd has gathered around him, but quickly disperses when he starts to move. The only one who stays is Lois.
LOIS
Why are you back? And why did you attack Superman?
SUPERBOY
I don't exactly have time for reporters right now.
LOIS
This is personal.
SUPERBOY
It doesn't matter. He's back. I have to find and protect Mr. Luthor.
LOIS
Who's back?
SUPERBOY
Brainiac.
LOIS
I know where Luthor is.
SUPERBOY
Where?
LOIS
I'll tell you if you take me.
EXT. GOTHAM STREETS - NIGHT
Superman throws a flurry of punches at Batman, most of them barely deflected by Batman knocking his fists out of the way. With each hit that connects Batman grows weakened and debilitated, but does not fall down. He finally lands a punch on the man of steel, knocking him across the face and making his nose bleed. Superman stops in his tracks.
SUPERMAN
Keeping kryptonite weapons for the sole purpose of defeating Kal-El. That does show great strategic intelligence. It's too bad you couldn't conjure any more. You might actually have stood a chance. My files may have been correct after all, but I think I'll destroy you anyway.
Superman leans back for one final punch. He swings, and with a soft "pop," Batman disappears.
INT. OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT
Batman appears in a room filled with bright, fanciful decor. Clouds are painted on the walls and giant flowers sprout from the floor. Joker sits behind the desk with the nameplate "President Lex Luthor" crossed out and "Emperor Joker" written in.
BATMAN
Joker. This had you written all over it, but you obviously can't do it alone. Where's Mxyzptlk?
JOKER
You know him? I thought he said he'd make you guys think that was a dream!
BATMAN
I don't sleep.
JOKER
Of course you don't. Learned some ancient chinese secret so you don't have to, I guess. Anyway, Mxy's incapacitated at the moment. Do you know why I called you here?
BATMAN
Because you're an evil villain.
JOKER
Evil? Me? I'm not evil! I'm the villain, sure, but I'm not evil. I'm what you call an antagonist. Behind every great hero is a great villain. I play a necessary role for you to exist. I mean, what would you do without me? There's evil out there, but not in here (points to his heart). I brought you here because it's the villain's job, so don't take it personal. I love heroes. The more of them there are, the more fun the world is. The thing is, it's my job to kill the hero.
Joker draws a gun and shoots Batman in the face. His body falls to the ground, disappears, then reappears, standing as if nothing happened.
BATMAN
I'm... I'm alive.
JOKER
Well I don't wanna be unemployed.
A button appears on Joker's desk. He hits it and a trapdoor opens below Batman's feet, sending him falling into a pool of acid. Seconds later, everything resets again. Joker hits the same button and an anvil falls from the ceiling, crushing Batman.
JOKER
Ooh, this is gonna be fun.
EXT. SKIES - NIGHT
Superboy carries Lois with him as he flies at super-speed.
LOIS
How do you know it was Brainiac?
SUPERBOY
He took over my mind first. I felt it. I saw my actions, but had no control. I felt his mind intruding and corrupting. He made me attack Superman, but I lost, so he took him instead.
LOIS
And now he'll use him to kill Luthor.
SUPERBOY
To get revenge for creating me.
LOIS
How did Brainiac bring you back? You were... dead.
SUPERBOY
I don't know, but death has never been something to stop people in my family. Still, once Luthor is gone he'll come after me. I don't know how he's planning to get rid of Superman though.
LOIS
Once he uses him to kill the President he won't have to get rid of Superman. The rest of the world will do that for him.
INT. OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT
Harley sits at Joker's side, but he looks depressed. He is slouching in his chair, mindlessly hitting the button that kills Batman a different way each time. The Caped Crusader spontaneously cobusts, only to reappear. A small plane crashes through the ceiling and lands right on him before everything returns to normal a second later. He turns into a snake and is attacked by a mongoose...
HARLEY
What's got you down, Mr. J?
JOKER
For as long as I can remember I wanted nothing more than to kill the bat, and now I can, and it's so easy, so unfulfilling... Where's the challenge? Where's the fun?
HARLEY
Mxy told you his powers weren't all they were cracked up to be.
JOKER
Mxyzptlk... Now there's a guy who knows how to have fun. Wonder what he's up to?
HARLEY
You locked him up.
JOKER
Oh... Yeah...
EXT. GOTHAM STREETS - NIGHT
Superman stands in the ruins of downtown Gotham, screaming with a loudness only he could produce.
SUPERMAN
Luthor! Come out and face me, or I will continue destroying your planet!
Superboy arrives behind Superman.
SUPERBOY
Brainiac! Stop this! Mr. Luthor is clearly not in this city!
SUPERMAN
Honestly, Kon-El, your genetic predecessor defeated you twice not two hours ago. You alone would be stupid enough to challenge him again.
SUPERBOY
I'm not alone, and I'm not here to challenge Superman, I'm here to challenge you.
EXT. BRAINIAC INTERFACE (GOTHAM STREETS) - NIGHT
We see through Superman's point of view, in a "Terminator" style interface. Text fills the screen as Brainiac looks at Superboy.
Superimpose:
Opportunity for humor. Appropriate humorous response:
- Your mother. [_]
- That is what she said. [_]
- Cultural reference. [X]
Appropriate cultural reference:
- The Force is with you. [_]
- The Power of Love. [X]
SUPERMAN
How do you expect to challenge me? With The Power of Love?
EXT. GOTHAM STREETS - NIGHT
Lois steps out from behind some rubble and stands between Superman and Superboy.
SUPERMAN
Lois Lane: Occupation, Featured reporter for Daily Planet news outlet. Known skills and abilities, above average investigative skills. Known superhuman abilities, none.
LOIS
Do you need to say that out loud?
SUPERMAN
Surely with your investigative skills you know who I am, so why are you not trembling before me?
LOIS
Because I know what you are. A computer created thirty years ago. You're a dinosaur. Superman beat you before and he can do it again.
SUPERMAN
Your personal relationship with Kal-El causes you to have faith in him despite all evidence otherwise.
LOIS
It's not that he's so powerful, it's that you're so weak.
SUPERMAN
Well why don't I show you how powerful I am?!
Superman speeds over and grabs Lois, who looks him straight in the eyes.
LOIS
Clark, I know you're in there. Fight it. You beat Brainiac before. You can do it again.
Some of the intensity fades from Superman's eyes as he drops Lois.
LOIS
Clark?
SUPERMAN
I can't believe what I've done to this city.
LOIS
It wasn't you. It was Brainiac.
SUPERMAN
We're in an extreme amount of danger. Where did Superboy go?
LOIS
I think I know where Brainiac's psychic abilities are coming from, so I told him to investigate once I had Brainiac distracted.
SUPERMAN
Milton Fine.
LOIS
Yeah. How did you know?
SUPERMAN
We have the same job.
LOIS
Right. Fine must actually have psychic powers, and Brainiac is using him as a host.
SUPERMAN
Only until he finds someone who has even more power than Fine.
LOIS
I thought you didn't believe in his powers.
SUPERMAN
But now I realize how he got them. Somebody gave them to him, and that somebody's been hanging out with a bad crowd lately. He's responsible for all of... this. Disappearing Batman, purple oranges, only one being could do that.
LOIS
Mxyzptlk? This doesn't seem like his style.
SUPERMAN
But I know who's style does match this chaos. I need to find him.
Superman disappears.
INT. OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT
Joker continues to try to find creative ways to have Batman die, but seems increasingly bored with it. He sits slumped in his chair, nearly sleeping, but is awoken by Superman appearing in the room.
JOKER
Superman! How did you find me?
SUPERMAN
You never were one for subtlety.
EXT. WASHINGTON D.C. - NIGHT
Standing out from the rest of the landmarks, the White House has been replaced with a giant statue of the Joker in a king's robe and crown.
INT. OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT
Joker continues talking to Superman.
JOKER
You got me there.
SUPERMAN
Where's Mxy?
JOKER
None of your business. He has nothing to do with this.
SUPERMAN
You can't be doing this by yourself. He's the only one with this kind of power.
JOKER
You don't get it do you? This is my power now. I won them, fair and square.
SUPERMAN
What are you talking about?
INT. MXY'S HANGOUT - NIGHT
Joker and Mxy are chillin' out in front of the TV, playing Mortal Kombat on an old school Nintendo.
JOKER
Fatality! 48 wins in a row! One more match and I get to fight Noob Saibot!
MXY
No way you're gonna beat me again.
JOKER
Wanna bet?
MXY
Fine. If I win you have to shut your mouth!
JOKER
And if I win?
MXY
You can have whatever you want. It's not going to happen anyway.
INT. OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT
Superman looks confused.
SUPERMAN
And he actually gave you his powers?
MXY
What can I say? He's a man of his word.
INT. MILTON'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Superboy holds the costumed Brainiac aggressively by the collar.
BRAINIAC
Again you ruin my plans, Kon-El! Breaking my concentration over Kal-El and forcing me into this body!
SUPERBOY
Do you expect me to say I'm sorry?
BRAINIAC
Actually... no. I should be thanking you. By making me spend time in this seemingly feeble body you've forced me to pay attention to the information contained within.
SUPERBOY
What are you talking about?
BRAINIAC
I've kept my mind within this man's brain because it allowed me access to others by extention, but I now realize there is a body far more powerful. Therefore, I shall use this man's abilities one final time to tranfer my mind there, and consequently, out of your grasp. Goodbye, Kon-El.
Brainiac's body goes limp.
SUPERBOY
What? No!
BRAINIAC
Superboy? I thought you were dead. What's going on?
INT. OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT
The Joker continues conversing with Superman while Batman continues getting killed in the background and Harley stands off to the side.
SUPERMAN
Brainiac is going to come after you. You're the perfect host.
JOKER
Ooh! I'm so scared! Just because he killed you doesn't mean he's any match for...
The various disasters Batman has been facing suddenly stop, and The Joker looks intently at Superman.
SUPERMAN
Oh no.
JOKER
You thought you could stop this, Kal-El? It is complete. I am the most powerful being in the universe. Nothing can beat me. Have you not heard the news?
SUPERMAN
The News... You're not unstoppable. There is one power that can beat you, that can help The Joker get his mind back.
JOKER
And what power is that?
SUPERMAN
The Power of Love. Harley! You're the only one who can get The Joker back! You have to fight him!
Harley Quinn confronts The Joker. They lock eyes and his expression goes from intense to calm. Meanwhile, Batman stumbles away, unnoticed by everyone.
INT. MXY'S PRISON - NIGHT
Mxy is fantically paniced, hearing the commotion in the next room.
MXY
It's happened! We are all doomed! No. These are my abilities, I know the tricks, he doesn't. I need to think of a way to beat him.
Batman crawls into the room.
MXY
Batman! You! You are the answer!
BATMAN
I can't do anything to that monster. He's right. He's the most powerful being in the universe.
MXY
Not just in the universe, he's the most powerful being in the dimension, but I know someone just as good who'd be willing to help out, if you asked him to.
BATMAN
What? Who are you talking about?
MXY
Bat-Mite! I know you're watching this! Batman needs your help!
INT. BAT-MITE'S BASEMENT - NIGHT
In a room decked out like the Bat-Cave, only with cheap props and toys, sits a man resembling Mxy in a Batman costume. BAT-MITE sits on a Bat-Shaped couch watching a TV shaped like the Bat-Signal. He jumps right off the couch when he hears his name on the TV. He is watching the scene in Mxy's prison.
MXY
Batman needs you to help him defeat this supervillain! If you don't, he will be destroyed forever. Isn't that right, Batman?
BATMAN
What are you doing?
MXY
Just follow my lead!
BATMAN
Um... He's right, Bat-Mite! I need your help! You're the only one who can beat Brainiac!
BAT-MITE
Mom! I'm going out!
BAT-MITE'S MOM (O.S.)
Where?!
BAT-MITE
To the third dimension!
BAT-MITE'S MOM (O.S.)
Well be back before eleven!
BAT-MITE
I will!
INT. OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT
Joker and Harley hold each other lovingly.
BRAINIAC
My love... your embrace has given me the power to defeat this mind that was inhabiting my body, despite the fact that his 12th Level Intellect is far beyond anything anyone in this room could imagine.
The Joker begins to morph into a huge, spiky, rock-like creature. It slams its gargantuan fist down on Harley Quinn, crushing her. Brainiac's new form looks at Superman.
BRAINIAC
Did you honestly think that was why I left your body? That was only because of your insufferable clone and Milton Fine's pathetic body. Luckily, I now have a far greater one. Do you not see, Kal-El? This is Doomsday.
SUPERMAN
Like I haven't heard that one before.
BRAINIAC
Well you will not hear it again.
Superman explodes, splattering gore all over the room.
BRAINIAC
Now where's the bat?
Bat-Mite pops into the room.
BAT-MITE
Come and get me.
BRAINIAC
I do not know who think you are, but you are a fool you think you can defeat me.
BAT-MITE
I am the Dark Knight! The Caped Crusader! One half of the Dynamic Duo!
BRAINIAC
And the other half is?...
BAT-MITE
Sorry.
Suddenly, ROBIN pops into existance next to Bat-Mite.
BRAINIAC
Telportation abilities? Still nothing compared to mine. I'll show you.
Robin explodes, just as Superman did earlier.
BAT-MITE
Yeah, I saw that one earlier. You know why The Joker was always a good match for Batman? It's because he was creative. He was a guy who could think on the fly. Look at him (points to a portrait of The Joker on the wall). Does he really look like a guy with a plan? That's why you're Superman's villain and not Batman's. You would be no contest.
BRAINIAC
Incorrect. I have already formulated plans for every contingency, including Batman's interference.
BAT-MITE
You wanna talk about planning ahead? What do you think the odds are that I would have this in my utility belt?
Bat-Mite grabs an obviously labelled spray-can from his belt and shows it to Brainiac.
BAT-MITE
Bat-Joker-Who-Has-Won-Mister-Mxyzptlk's-Powers-In-A-Game-Of-Mortal-Kombat-Then-Had-His-Body-Taken-Over-By-Brainiac-Wh o-Then-Morphed-Into-Doomsday-Knockout-Spray, old chum.
BRAINIAC
No! Nobody could possibly have conjured such an item! Who are you?
Bat-Mite sprays Brainiac, who immediately hits the floor.
BAT-MITE
I'm Bat-Mite.
INT. BAT-MITE'S BASEMENT - NIGHT
Batmite sits at his computer, as we see him write the preceeding line, and continue writing as he speaks out loud.
BAT-MITE
And then Bat-Mite used his powers to take Mxy's powers back from The Joker and give them back to their rightful owner. He brought back from the dead all the people that Brainiac killed except Bizzaro, and then everyone loved Bat-Mite and he became Batman's new sidekick and they were best friends, and sometimes they would go out and play laser tag on Batman's private laser tag arena, and nobody would make fun of Bat-Mite anymore because if they did, Batman would beat them up. The End.
Bat-Mite leans back, looking proud of his work.
BAT-MITE
Not to toot my own horn, but this might just be my best work yet. Wait until the Internet sees this!
Bat-Mite continues typing.
BAT-MITE
Dear Movie Reels... Check this out...
THE END
INT. DAILY PLANET - DAY
In a bland cubicle farm people sit at their computers typing in silence. Among them is CLARK KENT, the most typical of the bunch. His monitor shows the story he is writing, "President Luthor visits Gotham. Pledges more support for earthquake relief." LOIS LANE breaks his concentration.
LOIS
Clark, just got a hot tip that I think you might be interested in. Someone you know has been spotted at the fairgrounds.
CLARK
Who? Luthor doing some publicity shots?
LOIS
Clark, it's Brainiac.
He sits there, stunned.
LOIS
Are you alright?
CLARK
That can't be right. He's in the Phantom Zone. How would anyone even know if it was Brainiac?
LOIS
He's not exactly making a secret of it.
CLARK
What do you mean?
LOIS
Maybe you should just go down there and see for yourself.
EXT. FAIRGROUNDS - DAY
SUPERMAN arrives to the bustling theme park covered in rides and tents, and attracts quite a bit of attention when he is spotted. He lands and walks around until he finds what he is looking for. A small tent with a large sign that reads "THE GREAT BRAINIAC." A carnie plays for the crowd, promoting the show.
CARNIE
Step right up! Step right up to see the Great Brainiac! The world's greatest psychic! Five dollars a question and he'll prove he knows everything about you! No secret too shameful, no dark corners of your mind that he can't probe!
Superman approaches the tent and talks to the carnie.
SUPERMAN
Look, I don't have any money, no pockets, but I would really appreciate it if you let me in there. It's pretty important.
BRAINIAC (O.S.)
Let him in.
CARNIE
Go ahead.
Superman walks into the tent.
INT. BRAINIAC'S TENT - DAY
The only things in the tent are a table with a crystal ball and a guy in an elaborate purple outfit, complete with a flowing cape and a tiara-like crown fitted with rubies.
BRAINIAC
Hello Kal-El.
SUPERMAN
You... know my name.
BRAINIAC
Ha. That's not psychic. Everyone knows your name. Practically every villain you fight screams it every chance they get. It's an honor to meet you.
SUPERMAN
We haven't met before?
BRAINIAC
I don't think so. I'd remember something like that.
SUPERMAN
So you're new here?
BRAINIAC
Actually I've been here for a few months. Not getting much business though. I recently updated my whole image. New costume, name.
SUPERMAN
Brainiac.
BRAINIAC
Cool, huh? Real name's Milton. Milton Fine.
SUPERMAN
Well Mr. Fine, are you any good?
BRAINIAC
Do you want to go there? You seem like the type with an intense private life, and I wouldn't want to intrude.
SUPERMAN
I think I'll be fine.
BRAINIAC
Oh really? Your favorite color? Pink.
SUPERMAN
Ha ha ha. Good one. Like that's true.
BRAINIAC
More? When you were a kid you had a dog named... Krypto.
SUPERMAN
Got you there. I never had a dog.
BRAINIAC
Sorry, must've gone too deep into your childhood, before you can consciously remember.
SUPERMAN
Whatever you have to tell yourself.
BRAINIAC
Quite the skeptic are we now? You know, the mind will justify anything it doesn't want to believe. I thought you of all people would be more open minded.
SUPERMAN
Well you put on quite the show, but I just don't go for it. I know plenty of people who would get a kick out of you though. Keep up the good work. I'll be seeing you, Milton.
Superman leaves the tent.
BRAINIAC
And I you, Clark.
INT. JOKER'S CELL - DAY
In a dark empty cell stands THE JOKER, facing away from the door. The door is silently opened by DR. HARLEEN QUINZEL, as we can read on the name tag pinned to her lab coat.
JOKER
Hello Clarice.
QUINZEL
Excuse me?
Joker spins around to face Quinzel.
JOKER
Movie humour. I love it!
Quinzel giggles like a school-girl.
QUINZEL
Oh you! You should be a comedian!
JOKER
I like to think I am.
QUINZEL
Well, yes... Thank goodness the weekend's over. I can't stand that much time away from my Clown Prince of Charming.
JOKER
Now don't go spreading that around. If your superiors found out this would probably be what they call a conflict of interest. If you lost your job I'd never get to see you.
QUINZEL
I wish we could be together all the time.
JOKER
The day will come when that will be true. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday. We must be patient.
QUINZEL
You're right, as always. Let's stick to business. How have you been feeling lately?
JOKER
To be honest... I've been getting a little bored.
QUINZEL
If there's anything I can do to help you, I'd only be doing my job.
JOKER
Well, my little harlequin, I suppose there is a way you can help me.
INT. NEWSROOM - NIGHT
CAT GRANT sits at the anchor desk giving the news.
CAT
Gotham City is in a state of panic tonight after Arkham Asylum, the country's largest institution for the criminally insane, seems to have misplaced a patient. Several years ago the serial killer known only as The Joker was found incapacitated by police, crediting his defeat to Batman. Officials noticed his absense earlier tonight, but surveillence tapes show he was taken through security this afternoon by an attending psychologist who officials suspect was under threats by the mass murderer.
INT. MILTON'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Milton Fine, in a cheap band t-shirt and sweatpants rather than his elaborate Brainiac garb, sits in a run down apartment watching the news broadcast on an old tv when he hears a high pitched voice.
VOICE (O.S.)
This Joker guy sounds like quite the character. I like him.
MILTON
You're here? Where are you?
VOICE (O.S.)
That's for me to know and you to MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!
MILTON
Yeah, well, the powers you gave me aren't working. I'm still not getting any business.
VOICE (O.S.)
Look at you. You're just some struggling circus freak lying about his powers. I make them real, and ask for absolutely nothing in return, except at least a little thanks.
MILTON
Sorry. It does help a little, I guess. I met Superman today.
VOICE (O.S.)
Oh yeah. That guy's a laugh.
MILTON
You know him?
VOICE (O.S.)
Very well. Bit of a killjoy, but fun to mess with. Did he like your act?
MILTON
He didn't believe me.
VOICE (O.S.)
Yeah, that's him alright.
MILTON
You know, I don't mind being called a liar when I'm lying, or just finished lying, or even when I'm about to lie, but not when I'm telling the truth. What's the use of being psychic if nobody believes me?
VOICE (O.S.)
You're just not a creative guy. In fact, you are zero fun. I'm outta here. I'm gonna find a new toy.
MILTON
Well take these powers back. I don't want them.
VOICE (O.S.)
No, I don't think so. It's more fun this way. Bye Milton.
MILTON
Wait! Come back!
Hearing no response, Milton sits alone in front of the TV.
INT. DAILY PLANET - NIGHT
Clark is just leaving when he runs into Lois.
LOIS
So judging by the fact that the city wasn't destroyed, I'm guessing that lead into Brainiac was a dead end?
CLARK
Just some circus sideshow who thought it was a cool name. Nothing special. Nice guy though.
LOIS
What is he? Like a clown or something?
INT. RESTURANT - NIGHT
Joker and Quinzel sit in a booth at a fancy resturant. Quinzel is barely recognisable in a red and black clown suit with a matching jester hat. The waiter nervously brings them plates of expensive looking food in extremely small portions. Everyone in the room stares silently at them.
JOKER
Did anyone ever tell you it's impolite to stare?
Everyone quickly turns away.
JOKER
That's better. Ah... $30 a plate for this? And they call me criminal! Oh well. I suppose what you're really paying for is the atmosphere. My life is perfect. With the woman that I love in the most fun city in the world. If there's only one problem... It's too perfect. I have everything I ever wanted. What's left to do? To strive for?
QUINZEL
Well actually, I think we could use a change of pace anyway. Start anew. Begin a fresh life.
JOKER
What are you proposing?
QUINZEL
I was thinking we should leave Gotham. Leave... all of this. I got us something...
Quinzel hands Joker two passports. He opens it to find his picture and the name "JACK NAPIER." The other one has Quinzel in her jester outfit with the name "HARLEY QUINN."
JOKER
Harley Quinn. Well, very clever, Harley, but I don't think it will work. I tend to attract a lot of attention.
The door is thrust open and Batman walks in, once again collecting the room's attention. He approaches the Joker's table.
JOKER
See what I mean?
BATMAN
Everyone might want to get out of here.
They do. The resturant is left empty save for Batman, Joker, and "Harley".
BATMAN
Let's not make this any harder than it has to be. Let the doctor go.
JOKER
Just as I was wondering if a first date could go any worse, you show up with your complete lack of manners. Honestly! The lady is here of her own volition.
HARLEY
I still thought we were having a wonderful night.
JOKER
Any night with you is wonderful, my lady, but this... animal has insulted you, and I think we should teach him a lesson in etiquette. Now, excuse me, sir, but would you care to step outside?
The Joker stands up...
BATMAN
No.
... and gets punched in the face.
HARLEY
How dare you?!
Harley leaps out of her seat and hits Batman with a flying roundhouse kick, knocking him to the ground.
HARLEY
I know kung fu?
JOKER
I love you more every day.
The disembodied voice from Fine's apartment reappears.
VOICE (O.S.)
More than two fighters does make for a more entertaining match, but two against one just isn't fair. Hold on a second, Bats, I know just who to call.
The Ghostbusters appear in the center of the room, looking very confused as their theme song plays out of nowhere.
VOICE (O.S.)
Just kidding.
The Ghostbusters disappear as quickly as they came.
JOKER
I like this guy.
VOICE (O.S.)
No, I think you know who I really mean. I know you met him before, Batman. Here he is...
Superman appears, looking just as confused as the Ghostbusters.
JOKER
Superman! You won't believe who was just here!
SUPERMAN
What on Earth is going on?
VOICE (O.S.)
Batty here could use a little support, and I figure you're as good a help as anybody.
SUPERMAN
That voice... I know that voice... It can't be...
A short man with wild hair topped in a purple derby hat and orange suit appears.
SUPERMAN
Mxyzptlk.
MXY
That's Mr. Mxyzptlk to you! People in this town! No manners!
JOKER
Tell me about it!
BATMAN
Who is this clown?
MXY
You don't know me, Batman? I know you. You're very popular where I'm from. I know this one guy... let's just say his fandom borders on obsession. Bit of a wierdo if you ask me, but you didn't, so let's move on. Kal-El here already knows my story, so to not bore him I'll give you the condensed version. Long story short, I'm from the fifth dimension, you're from the third. I'm not bound by your laws... you know what? I'm sure he'll fill you in later.
SUPERMAN
I thought... I thought I killed you...
MXY
I got you good with that one, didn't I? Please. Nobody here appreciates a good joke anymore, except for this guy.
JOKER
Thanks.
MXY
I was talking about tall, dark, and handsome here. I mean would you look at this suit?! He must be joking! Can I get a high five?!
Joker and Mxy exchange a celebratory overhead hand slap.
MXY
You couldn't seriously think you killed me. I had already shown my two most important traits: I love to mess with you, and I can do whatever the hell I want.
SUPERMAN
And what do you want with me now?
MXY
Well these three were about to exchange fisticuffs and I thought I should even the odds for the Bat. This is taking too long. Let's cut to the chase.
EXT. THE BRIDGE - NIGHT
The group appears in a two dimensional plane with a background and a foreground. Superman and Joker in fighting poses on a bridge in the foreground, Batman and Harley chained up in the background, Mxy standing between them, shirtless, wearing a cape and skull helmet.
MXY
I want a good clean fight. Lose twice and you're out.
SUPERMAN
I'm confused...
Superman's concerns go unaddressed. As Mxy speaks his next words they appear superimposed in a dripping red blood font.
MXY
Ready... FIGHT!
Superman and Joker do jump flips toward each other, standing face to face when Joker does sweep kick and knocks his opponent down. Superman gets up and dusts himself off.
SUPERMAN
How did the Joker just physically hurt me?
MXY
It's magic or something. Point is you'll be physically as strong as these guys until I say so. Don't worry about it.
SUPERMAN
What?
The Joker takes this opportunity to uppercut Superman, who goes flying into the air and misses the bridge on his way down.
INT. THE PIT - NIGHT
He falls down a deep shaft and lands in a spiked pit. Mxy's words are once again superimposed on screen.
MXY (O.S.)
Fatality! The Joker wins!
EXT. THE BRIDGE - NIGHT
Joker does a victory pose.
MXY
I'm bored of this... Time for a change of venue.
INT. WRESTLING RING - NIGHT
Batman and Harley appear in the corners of the ring, Superman, Mxy, and Joker on the sidelines.
SUPERMAN
How am I alive?
MXY
I put in another quarter and pressed Continue for you when you weren't looking.
SUPERMAN
What are you talking about?
MXY
Just shut up and watch the fight.
Harley runs at Batman and gets him in a full nelson. She throws him into the ropes and as he bounces back, brutally clotheslines him. The crowd boos and Harley plays the bad guy for them, yelling and making obscene gestures. Groggy, Batman uses the distraction to climb the pole in the corner, leap into the air, and take her down. The Joker reaches his hand into the ring.
JOKER
Tag me in! Tag me in!
Harley tags him and Joker climbs into the ring, taking a folding chair with him. He smashes Batman over the head with it, knocking him out.
MXY
Ooh! That just gave me an idea!
INT. TALK SHOW SET - DAY
Batman, Superman, Harley, and Joker sit in a row of chairs on a stage while Mxy wears a suit and holds a microphone.
MXY
Our topic today is people who hate each other. Joker, you say Batman hates you and doesn't approve of your lifestyle. Why do you think that is?
JOKER
Well Mxy, I really don't know. I mean, I try and I try to gain his approval, but he just locks me out. Nothing I do seems to please him.
HARLEY
Who is this freak to judge anybody? What do you got against my man?
BATMAN
Your man is a homicidal maniac.
HARLEY
Don't you talk about my man like that! Don't make me come outta this chair!
BATMAN
Bring it, bitch.
Harley jumps out of her chair and attacks Batman, causing a big bald security guard to step in and hold her back. Joker gets out of his chair to calm her down.
JOKER
Come on, baby. Don't let this guy get to you. Let's just calm down. You don't have to fight him...
Joker walks Harley back to her chair and sits her down.
JOKER
Because I will!
Joker throws his chair across the stage, knocking Batman to the ground. Mxy sits in a chair off to the side and talks to the camera.
MXY
What have we learned here today? You can work and work for someone's approval but at the end of the day the only person you really have to work for is yourself. Do what makes you happy, and if in the end they still hate you... throw a chair at them. Remember, take care of yourself, and each other.
INT. BOXING RING - NIGHT
Superman and Joker face each other with boxing gloves. Mxy stands in the middle in a striped shirt holding a microphone hanging from the ceiling. Batman and Harley are in the crowd.
MXY
In the red corner, six foot four, weighing in at 200 pounds, Kal "The Superman" El! And in the purple corner, five foot nine, 117 pounds, The "No Other Name" Joker! Let's get ready to rumble!
Mxy steps out of the ring and the bell rings. Superman bobs and weaves, getting in a few light jabs before Joker lands a punch right in the eye. Supes is knocked back, feeling pretty groggy, his face bleeding. Joker moves in for the kill and lands several more hits before the bell rings and they retreat back to their corners. Superman's eye badly swollen, Batman approaches him.
BATMAN
Eye of the tiger, kid. Eye of the tiger! This might hurt...
Batman uses a razor to pop the swelling over Superman's eye. In the other corner Joker and Mxy have a casual conversation.
JOKER
We should really hang out more.
MXY
You know, I was just thinking the same thing! You wanna grab some beers, watch the game sometime?
The bell rings.
JOKER
I'll be back in a minute.
Joker moves in much more aggressively and brutally beats Superman, who can't get a single hit. With one final blow he's knocked out. Mxy begins the countdown...
MXY
10, 9, 8...
JOKER
Come on, come on, while we're young...
MXY
3, 2, 1, and that's the match!
Joker raises his arms in victory while Superman climbs out of the ring and is swarmed by the crowd.
SUPERMAN
Lois! Lois!
The crowd chants "Rematch! Rematch!"
SUPERMAN
Aint gonna be no rematch!
MXY
Well, it's been really fun, but I gotta go. Tell you what, we should do this again sometime. Yeah?
JOKER
Definately.
MXY
Alright. See ya.
INT. MILTON'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Fine, who had fallen asleep on the couch, does the classic move of sitting straight up after waking from a nightmare. His tv is still on and he sees the story of The Joker's escape being rebroadcast.
MILTON
I must have weirdos on my mind. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and everything about that crazy imp will be a dream...
Milton gets up, shuts off the TV, and goes to bed.
EXT. FAIRGROUNDS - DAY
In a heated game of whack-a-mole, Clark swings the hammer down and misses his target, smashing the machine and shocking onlookers. He hands the hammer back to the carnie and he and Lois walk away.
LOIS
What was that?
CLARK
Sorry, I didn't get a good night's sleep.
LOIS
Yeah, well, you might wanna go to bed earlier or risk causing an earthquake.
CLARK
Whatever. Let's go do something more relaxing. Ferris wheel or something. Anyway, I had a dream that... one of Superman's rogues gallery returned.
LOIS
Brainiac!
CLARK
No, it was...
LOIS
Brainiac! Over there! Let's go see him. It'll be fun!
Lois points to the sign advertisng The Great Brainiac.
CLARK
Really? Come on. That's not really my thing.
Lois is already dragging him in, handing a bill to the carnie...
CLARK
He's not even that good....
INT. BRAINIAC'S TENT - DAY
... and entering the tent, where Brainiac sits, in full character.
BRAINIAC
Lois Lane.
CLARK
Recognise her from TV?
BRAINIAC
You got me. It's good to meet you again, Clark.
CLARK
What? Oh, sorry, I almost dozed off there for a second.
BRAINIAC
Nightmares last night?
CLARK
Yeah.
BRAINIAC
And yet you don't believe in my powers.
CLARK
What gave me away?
BRAINIAC
You practically told me.
CLARK
Well let's get this over with...
LOIS
Clark! You are being so rude!
BRAINIAC
It's quite alright. I know how important a good night's sleep can be to one's mood. I didn't have what you would call pleasant dreams last night either. Now, if you would each take a seat...
Lois and Clark sit across from Brainiac. The lights dim and the crystal ball glows. Clark rolls his eyes.
BRAINIAC
Ask me a question about yourself, any question at all, and I'll prove that I truly am the Great Brainiac! The greatest psychic on Earth!
LOIS
You go first, Clark. You're the skeptic. Try your hardest to stump him and see if you're right.
CLARK
Alright. What was my dream last night?
Brainiac stares into Clark's eyes... After a moment of concentration he sees flashes of Batman, Joker, Harley Quinn, and Mr. Mxyzptlk. Brainiac instantly snaps out of his trance, paniced.
BRAINIAC
I'm really sorry. I have to go.
Brainiac gets up and leaves the tent. Clark turns to Lois.
CLARK
So was I right, or what?
LOIS
Clark, did anyone ever tell you that you are no fun?
CLARK
This one guy. I can't get him out of my head.
EXT. FAIRGROUNDS - DAY
Brainiac runs outside into the crowd, and hears the thoughts of every single person. Overwhelmed, he purposefully speaks out loud to himself.
BRAINIAC
I have to get out of here.
EXT. METROPOLIS STREETS - DAY
Lois and Clark are walking home when they see huge groups of people running out of Metropolis park. Lois calls to one of the people.
SCARED CIVILLIAN
Zombie!
CLARK
You'd better get home.
Clark runs off at super speed to investigate the problem.
LOIS
Like I'm gonna miss this.
EXT. METROPOLIS PARK - DAY
Superman arrives at the cause of the panic to see the memorial to Superboy and Steel. The tomb it is built over is smashed open, and the body of SUPERBOY climbs out of the rubble. He looks like a younger version of the man of steel, but in a black leather "X-Men" style suit with the familiar red S-emblem on it. Supes runs over to him.
SUPERMAN
How are you alive?
SUPERBOY
He's probably asking himself the same thing.
Superman turns around to find BIZARRO.
BIZARRO
Two Supermans! Bizarro help Supermans save city!
SUPERMAN
What's going on?!
Bizarro starts random destruction around the city, causing Superman and Superboy to attack him. Bizarro blows flame breath at Superboy, keeping him at bay. Superman flies into the air and shoots Bizarro with his super-breath, but before it reaches him Bizarro shoots "cold vision" out of his eyes, freezing Superman and sending him plummetting to the ground.
INT. MILTON'S APARTMENT - DAY
Walking into his apartment, Milton takes off his Brainiac cape and crown and flicks on the tv, where Cat Grant delivers the news.
CAT
The strange occurences are being investigated by various government agencies. President Lex Luthor is in Gotham City today overseeing the reconstruction after last year's earthquake, and has called an impromptu press conference to address the mysterious goings on.
The TV switches to a clip of LEX LUTHOR, bald, wearing presidential attire, addressing a group of reporters, but Milton isn't paying attention.
MILTON
If what I was seeing last night was Superman's dream, then I can read minds at long distance... My powers are increasing, or maybe I'm just getting better at them... I need to test this.
Milton stares intensely at the TV until he finds himself...
INT. PRESS CONFERENCE - DAY
... looking out over a crowd of reporters. He hears a voice coming from his own body...
LUTHOR
We are unsure of what exactly is causing these phenomenon, but I can assure you that we will find the source...
MILTON (V.O.)
Outstanding... It works.
INT. MILTON'S APARTMENT - DAY
Milton snaps out of his trance.
INT. PRESS CONFERENCE - DAY
Luthor has suddenly stopped speaking and the crowd looks confused at him.
REPORTER
Excuse me, Mr. President. What works?
LUTHOR
I'm sorry... As I was saying...
Luthor suddenly disappears, shocking the crowd, who reacts in even more terror when the Joker pops into his place.
JOKER
Ladies and gentlemen of Earth, I have a joke. How many politictians does it take to make the world one hell of a boring place? Only one, therefore I have decided to get rid of all of them become supreme ruler of every country on the planet. As my first act, the color orange is now purple. I like purple.
Instantly, all the orange objects in sight, fruit, clothing, the paint on the walls, all turn a shade of purple. Out the window the setting sun looks purple. Everyone is shocked and confused.
EXT. APARTMENT ROOF - NIGHT
Milton hasn't even noticed the extreme state of the world. He sits serenely on the roof of his building looking up at the sky, and stares at a distant green light...
EXT. OA - NIGHT
Milton gets a first person view of an alien, one among many, all of different species but dressed in similar green outfits with matching emblems. They all listen intently to a short, blue alien addressing them from a raised stage. Milton looks up and sees an unusually bright shooting star, and past it sees a planet seemingly on fire...
EXT. APOKOLIPS - NIGHT
Milton's new body is in another large group of aliens, all of the same species, looking up at their benevolent ruler, a large, rock-like figure in blue armor. The crowd chants "Darkseid! Darkseid!" The shooting star flys over the planet. Milton follows it until his attention is grabbed by a distinctive red planet.
INT. MARS - NIGHT
Milton's next host is in an intense battle between a group of green aliens and a group of white aliens. As the shooting star passes over this planet, the battle shakes Milton out of his trance.
EXT. APARTMENT ROOF - NIGHT
Milton looks a bit shaken, but is satisfied with his practise of telepathy. The shooting star he was following comes closer to Earth, and he takes a closer look at it.
INT. PHANTOM ZONE - NIGHT
Milton finds himself once again in someone's mind, his only view is of complete nothingness. He lifts his hands in front of his face to see rock-like arms with large spikes protruding. Suddenly he blacks out...
EXT. APARTMENT ROOF - NIGHT
... Milton's body convusles uncontrolably for a moment when he suddenly comes to full awareness. He stands up and looks out at the world around him.
MITLON
Freedom... At last...
INT. MXY'S PRISON - NIGHT
Mxy sits in a cell, looking worried rather than his usual happy self. Harley walks past the bars and Mxy jumps to his feet, grabbing the bars and yelling to his captor.
MXY
Quinzel! You need to let me out of here! You don't know the kind of danger we're all in! If my abilities fall into the wrong hands!...
HARLEY
Please. You lost fair and square. Live with it.
MXY
Why did you even come in here if you're not gonna help me?
HARLEY
What can I say? I was bored.
Harley walks back into the other room.
MXY
No! Come back! We must warn the world! I need to get the message out! Somebody needs to hear me!
INT. MILTON'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Milton carefully surveys his apartment as if seeing it for the first time. He opens the closet and finds his Brainiac costume. He looks at it, picking up the crown, and seems rather pleased.
INT. MXY'S PRISON - NIGHT
Mxy closes his eyes and concentrates on his thoughts.
MXY (V.O.)
Milton! Milton Fine! Listen to me! I know you can hear me! Milton Fine!
INT. MILTON'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Milton is just finishing dressing himself in the Brainiac costume, placing the crown on his head, when he hears Mxy's cries for help.
MXY (V.O.)
This is Mr. Mxyzptlk! I know you can hear me! The Joker stole my powers! Milton! Milton!
MILTON
Milton isn't here. This is Brainiac.
INT. MXY'S PRISON - NIGHT
Mxy breaks out of his trance.
MXY
No. No no no... We are in more danger than I even imagined...
INT. MILTON'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Brainiac looks pleased with himself.
BRAINIAC
It seems this Milton is quite a suitable host. I am sure my 12th level intellect will be able to find uses for his telepathy that he never even dreamed of. I must test the extent of these abilities.
Brainiac looks out the window, robotically surveying the strange surroundings which now include everything from chocolate sidewalks to giant ants roaming the streets.
BRAINIAC
This is not correct. Earth has changed far more than it should have in the time I have been away.
EXT. METROPOLIS STREETS - NIGHT
Brainiac spots Superman and Superboy battling Bizarro in the distance.
BRAINIAC
Some things never change! Kal-El and Luthor's blasted clones!
Brainiac focuses on Superboy...
With a brutal attack, Superboy grabs Bizarro and throws him across the city, through buildings, vehicles, and anything else that gets in the way. Bizarro lands and disintegrates into a pile of dust, dead. Superman is disgusted.
SUPERMAN
How could you do that?
SUPERBOY
It was not difficult, Kal-El. I will show you.
Superboy attacks, sucker punching Superman in the gut. They fight so fast the eye can barely see, just the destruction of buildings that the fight moves through. Superman gets in one good punch, leaving Superboy in a crater in the ground. Superman then uses his freeze breath to incapacitate his rival.
INT. MILTON'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Brainiac comes out of his trance, looking at the confused Superman in the distance.
BRAINIAC
Kal-El truly is more powerful than Luthor's clone. Well, no matter, my new host's powers accomidate for that.
Brainiac focuses in on Superman.
SUPERMAN
Now to find Luthor.
EXT. GOTHAM STREETS - NIGHT
Batman is in an alley battling a thug who draws a gun. He aims for the face and begins to pull the trigger when the gun turns into a baloon and pops in his hand. Batman looks dumbfounded (not to mention the thug), but still takes his foe out with one punch. He ventures into the street to find the streetlights have turned into candy canes and electrical lines are made of snakes.
BATMAN
This was definitely not in the job description.
Batman's attention is grabbed by a huge crash and a skyscraper falling to the ground a block away. The dust clears and Superman hovers where the building used to be.
SUPERMAN
Luthor! Show yourself! I know you are in this city! First you betray Zod and I, then your defective merchandise helps Kal-El imprison me in the Phantom Zone! I will have my revenge!
BATMAN
Great. It's like Zod all over again. Luthor's starting to win me over with his stance on illegal aliens.
Batman reaches into a black compartment on his utility belt and removes two rings, each with a glowing green stone. He looks only the least bit nervous as he puts one on each hand and confronts Superman.
BATMAN
Oh sure, anyone can knock down a building, but why don't you come down here and pick on someone your own size?
This catches Superman's attention and he comes to land in front of his challenger.
SUPERMAN
Batman: Known aliases, none. Trademark skills, martial arts training, use of unique tools and gadgets, high strategic intelligence. Superhuman abilities, none. My files must be incorrect. No normal human would be foolish enough to challenge me and still be known for high intelligence. Nevertheless, if I destroy you, I will no longer be incorrect.
BATMAN
Why don't you give that a try?
Superman walks closer, only to be knocked to the ground by the Dark Knight's punch. Superman looks puzzled at his opponent, and Batman holds up his hand, showcasing the green ring.
BATMAN
This isn't the first time I've had to deal with your kind. They call you a boyscout, yet I'm the one who knows to always be prepared.
Superman gets up, lifts Batman by the throat, and throws him through a building. As the dust clears the rubble shakes and Batman staggers to his feet.
BATMAN
You're gonna have to do better than that.
SUPERMAN
It's easy to lose track of time when there is nothing but an empty void to measure against, but it changes your perspective. Now, taking a few extra seconds to kill an insolent fool seems like no time at all.
EXT. METROPOLIS STREETS - NIGHT
Superboy lies in a crater in the street, slowly coming to consciousness. A large crowd has gathered around him, but quickly disperses when he starts to move. The only one who stays is Lois.
LOIS
Why are you back? And why did you attack Superman?
SUPERBOY
I don't exactly have time for reporters right now.
LOIS
This is personal.
SUPERBOY
It doesn't matter. He's back. I have to find and protect Mr. Luthor.
LOIS
Who's back?
SUPERBOY
Brainiac.
LOIS
I know where Luthor is.
SUPERBOY
Where?
LOIS
I'll tell you if you take me.
EXT. GOTHAM STREETS - NIGHT
Superman throws a flurry of punches at Batman, most of them barely deflected by Batman knocking his fists out of the way. With each hit that connects Batman grows weakened and debilitated, but does not fall down. He finally lands a punch on the man of steel, knocking him across the face and making his nose bleed. Superman stops in his tracks.
SUPERMAN
Keeping kryptonite weapons for the sole purpose of defeating Kal-El. That does show great strategic intelligence. It's too bad you couldn't conjure any more. You might actually have stood a chance. My files may have been correct after all, but I think I'll destroy you anyway.
Superman leans back for one final punch. He swings, and with a soft "pop," Batman disappears.
INT. OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT
Batman appears in a room filled with bright, fanciful decor. Clouds are painted on the walls and giant flowers sprout from the floor. Joker sits behind the desk with the nameplate "President Lex Luthor" crossed out and "Emperor Joker" written in.
BATMAN
Joker. This had you written all over it, but you obviously can't do it alone. Where's Mxyzptlk?
JOKER
You know him? I thought he said he'd make you guys think that was a dream!
BATMAN
I don't sleep.
JOKER
Of course you don't. Learned some ancient chinese secret so you don't have to, I guess. Anyway, Mxy's incapacitated at the moment. Do you know why I called you here?
BATMAN
Because you're an evil villain.
JOKER
Evil? Me? I'm not evil! I'm the villain, sure, but I'm not evil. I'm what you call an antagonist. Behind every great hero is a great villain. I play a necessary role for you to exist. I mean, what would you do without me? There's evil out there, but not in here (points to his heart). I brought you here because it's the villain's job, so don't take it personal. I love heroes. The more of them there are, the more fun the world is. The thing is, it's my job to kill the hero.
Joker draws a gun and shoots Batman in the face. His body falls to the ground, disappears, then reappears, standing as if nothing happened.
BATMAN
I'm... I'm alive.
JOKER
Well I don't wanna be unemployed.
A button appears on Joker's desk. He hits it and a trapdoor opens below Batman's feet, sending him falling into a pool of acid. Seconds later, everything resets again. Joker hits the same button and an anvil falls from the ceiling, crushing Batman.
JOKER
Ooh, this is gonna be fun.
EXT. SKIES - NIGHT
Superboy carries Lois with him as he flies at super-speed.
LOIS
How do you know it was Brainiac?
SUPERBOY
He took over my mind first. I felt it. I saw my actions, but had no control. I felt his mind intruding and corrupting. He made me attack Superman, but I lost, so he took him instead.
LOIS
And now he'll use him to kill Luthor.
SUPERBOY
To get revenge for creating me.
LOIS
How did Brainiac bring you back? You were... dead.
SUPERBOY
I don't know, but death has never been something to stop people in my family. Still, once Luthor is gone he'll come after me. I don't know how he's planning to get rid of Superman though.
LOIS
Once he uses him to kill the President he won't have to get rid of Superman. The rest of the world will do that for him.
INT. OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT
Harley sits at Joker's side, but he looks depressed. He is slouching in his chair, mindlessly hitting the button that kills Batman a different way each time. The Caped Crusader spontaneously cobusts, only to reappear. A small plane crashes through the ceiling and lands right on him before everything returns to normal a second later. He turns into a snake and is attacked by a mongoose...
HARLEY
What's got you down, Mr. J?
JOKER
For as long as I can remember I wanted nothing more than to kill the bat, and now I can, and it's so easy, so unfulfilling... Where's the challenge? Where's the fun?
HARLEY
Mxy told you his powers weren't all they were cracked up to be.
JOKER
Mxyzptlk... Now there's a guy who knows how to have fun. Wonder what he's up to?
HARLEY
You locked him up.
JOKER
Oh... Yeah...
EXT. GOTHAM STREETS - NIGHT
Superman stands in the ruins of downtown Gotham, screaming with a loudness only he could produce.
SUPERMAN
Luthor! Come out and face me, or I will continue destroying your planet!
Superboy arrives behind Superman.
SUPERBOY
Brainiac! Stop this! Mr. Luthor is clearly not in this city!
SUPERMAN
Honestly, Kon-El, your genetic predecessor defeated you twice not two hours ago. You alone would be stupid enough to challenge him again.
SUPERBOY
I'm not alone, and I'm not here to challenge Superman, I'm here to challenge you.
EXT. BRAINIAC INTERFACE (GOTHAM STREETS) - NIGHT
We see through Superman's point of view, in a "Terminator" style interface. Text fills the screen as Brainiac looks at Superboy.
Superimpose:
Opportunity for humor. Appropriate humorous response:
- Your mother. [_]
- That is what she said. [_]
- Cultural reference. [X]
Appropriate cultural reference:
- The Force is with you. [_]
- The Power of Love. [X]
SUPERMAN
How do you expect to challenge me? With The Power of Love?
EXT. GOTHAM STREETS - NIGHT
Lois steps out from behind some rubble and stands between Superman and Superboy.
SUPERMAN
Lois Lane: Occupation, Featured reporter for Daily Planet news outlet. Known skills and abilities, above average investigative skills. Known superhuman abilities, none.
LOIS
Do you need to say that out loud?
SUPERMAN
Surely with your investigative skills you know who I am, so why are you not trembling before me?
LOIS
Because I know what you are. A computer created thirty years ago. You're a dinosaur. Superman beat you before and he can do it again.
SUPERMAN
Your personal relationship with Kal-El causes you to have faith in him despite all evidence otherwise.
LOIS
It's not that he's so powerful, it's that you're so weak.
SUPERMAN
Well why don't I show you how powerful I am?!
Superman speeds over and grabs Lois, who looks him straight in the eyes.
LOIS
Clark, I know you're in there. Fight it. You beat Brainiac before. You can do it again.
Some of the intensity fades from Superman's eyes as he drops Lois.
LOIS
Clark?
SUPERMAN
I can't believe what I've done to this city.
LOIS
It wasn't you. It was Brainiac.
SUPERMAN
We're in an extreme amount of danger. Where did Superboy go?
LOIS
I think I know where Brainiac's psychic abilities are coming from, so I told him to investigate once I had Brainiac distracted.
SUPERMAN
Milton Fine.
LOIS
Yeah. How did you know?
SUPERMAN
We have the same job.
LOIS
Right. Fine must actually have psychic powers, and Brainiac is using him as a host.
SUPERMAN
Only until he finds someone who has even more power than Fine.
LOIS
I thought you didn't believe in his powers.
SUPERMAN
But now I realize how he got them. Somebody gave them to him, and that somebody's been hanging out with a bad crowd lately. He's responsible for all of... this. Disappearing Batman, purple oranges, only one being could do that.
LOIS
Mxyzptlk? This doesn't seem like his style.
SUPERMAN
But I know who's style does match this chaos. I need to find him.
Superman disappears.
INT. OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT
Joker continues to try to find creative ways to have Batman die, but seems increasingly bored with it. He sits slumped in his chair, nearly sleeping, but is awoken by Superman appearing in the room.
JOKER
Superman! How did you find me?
SUPERMAN
You never were one for subtlety.
EXT. WASHINGTON D.C. - NIGHT
Standing out from the rest of the landmarks, the White House has been replaced with a giant statue of the Joker in a king's robe and crown.
INT. OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT
Joker continues talking to Superman.
JOKER
You got me there.
SUPERMAN
Where's Mxy?
JOKER
None of your business. He has nothing to do with this.
SUPERMAN
You can't be doing this by yourself. He's the only one with this kind of power.
JOKER
You don't get it do you? This is my power now. I won them, fair and square.
SUPERMAN
What are you talking about?
INT. MXY'S HANGOUT - NIGHT
Joker and Mxy are chillin' out in front of the TV, playing Mortal Kombat on an old school Nintendo.
JOKER
Fatality! 48 wins in a row! One more match and I get to fight Noob Saibot!
MXY
No way you're gonna beat me again.
JOKER
Wanna bet?
MXY
Fine. If I win you have to shut your mouth!
JOKER
And if I win?
MXY
You can have whatever you want. It's not going to happen anyway.
INT. OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT
Superman looks confused.
SUPERMAN
And he actually gave you his powers?
MXY
What can I say? He's a man of his word.
INT. MILTON'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Superboy holds the costumed Brainiac aggressively by the collar.
BRAINIAC
Again you ruin my plans, Kon-El! Breaking my concentration over Kal-El and forcing me into this body!
SUPERBOY
Do you expect me to say I'm sorry?
BRAINIAC
Actually... no. I should be thanking you. By making me spend time in this seemingly feeble body you've forced me to pay attention to the information contained within.
SUPERBOY
What are you talking about?
BRAINIAC
I've kept my mind within this man's brain because it allowed me access to others by extention, but I now realize there is a body far more powerful. Therefore, I shall use this man's abilities one final time to tranfer my mind there, and consequently, out of your grasp. Goodbye, Kon-El.
Brainiac's body goes limp.
SUPERBOY
What? No!
BRAINIAC
Superboy? I thought you were dead. What's going on?
INT. OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT
The Joker continues conversing with Superman while Batman continues getting killed in the background and Harley stands off to the side.
SUPERMAN
Brainiac is going to come after you. You're the perfect host.
JOKER
Ooh! I'm so scared! Just because he killed you doesn't mean he's any match for...
The various disasters Batman has been facing suddenly stop, and The Joker looks intently at Superman.
SUPERMAN
Oh no.
JOKER
You thought you could stop this, Kal-El? It is complete. I am the most powerful being in the universe. Nothing can beat me. Have you not heard the news?
SUPERMAN
The News... You're not unstoppable. There is one power that can beat you, that can help The Joker get his mind back.
JOKER
And what power is that?
SUPERMAN
The Power of Love. Harley! You're the only one who can get The Joker back! You have to fight him!
Harley Quinn confronts The Joker. They lock eyes and his expression goes from intense to calm. Meanwhile, Batman stumbles away, unnoticed by everyone.
INT. MXY'S PRISON - NIGHT
Mxy is fantically paniced, hearing the commotion in the next room.
MXY
It's happened! We are all doomed! No. These are my abilities, I know the tricks, he doesn't. I need to think of a way to beat him.
Batman crawls into the room.
MXY
Batman! You! You are the answer!
BATMAN
I can't do anything to that monster. He's right. He's the most powerful being in the universe.
MXY
Not just in the universe, he's the most powerful being in the dimension, but I know someone just as good who'd be willing to help out, if you asked him to.
BATMAN
What? Who are you talking about?
MXY
Bat-Mite! I know you're watching this! Batman needs your help!
INT. BAT-MITE'S BASEMENT - NIGHT
In a room decked out like the Bat-Cave, only with cheap props and toys, sits a man resembling Mxy in a Batman costume. BAT-MITE sits on a Bat-Shaped couch watching a TV shaped like the Bat-Signal. He jumps right off the couch when he hears his name on the TV. He is watching the scene in Mxy's prison.
MXY
Batman needs you to help him defeat this supervillain! If you don't, he will be destroyed forever. Isn't that right, Batman?
BATMAN
What are you doing?
MXY
Just follow my lead!
BATMAN
Um... He's right, Bat-Mite! I need your help! You're the only one who can beat Brainiac!
BAT-MITE
Mom! I'm going out!
BAT-MITE'S MOM (O.S.)
Where?!
BAT-MITE
To the third dimension!
BAT-MITE'S MOM (O.S.)
Well be back before eleven!
BAT-MITE
I will!
INT. OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT
Joker and Harley hold each other lovingly.
BRAINIAC
My love... your embrace has given me the power to defeat this mind that was inhabiting my body, despite the fact that his 12th Level Intellect is far beyond anything anyone in this room could imagine.
The Joker begins to morph into a huge, spiky, rock-like creature. It slams its gargantuan fist down on Harley Quinn, crushing her. Brainiac's new form looks at Superman.
BRAINIAC
Did you honestly think that was why I left your body? That was only because of your insufferable clone and Milton Fine's pathetic body. Luckily, I now have a far greater one. Do you not see, Kal-El? This is Doomsday.
SUPERMAN
Like I haven't heard that one before.
BRAINIAC
Well you will not hear it again.
Superman explodes, splattering gore all over the room.
BRAINIAC
Now where's the bat?
Bat-Mite pops into the room.
BAT-MITE
Come and get me.
BRAINIAC
I do not know who think you are, but you are a fool you think you can defeat me.
BAT-MITE
I am the Dark Knight! The Caped Crusader! One half of the Dynamic Duo!
BRAINIAC
And the other half is?...
BAT-MITE
Sorry.
Suddenly, ROBIN pops into existance next to Bat-Mite.
BRAINIAC
Telportation abilities? Still nothing compared to mine. I'll show you.
Robin explodes, just as Superman did earlier.
BAT-MITE
Yeah, I saw that one earlier. You know why The Joker was always a good match for Batman? It's because he was creative. He was a guy who could think on the fly. Look at him (points to a portrait of The Joker on the wall). Does he really look like a guy with a plan? That's why you're Superman's villain and not Batman's. You would be no contest.
BRAINIAC
Incorrect. I have already formulated plans for every contingency, including Batman's interference.
BAT-MITE
You wanna talk about planning ahead? What do you think the odds are that I would have this in my utility belt?
Bat-Mite grabs an obviously labelled spray-can from his belt and shows it to Brainiac.
BAT-MITE
Bat-Joker-Who-Has-Won-Mister-Mxyzptlk's-Powers-In-A-Game-Of-Mortal-Kombat-Then-Had-His-Body-Taken-Over-By-Brainiac-Wh o-Then-Morphed-Into-Doomsday-Knockout-Spray, old chum.
BRAINIAC
No! Nobody could possibly have conjured such an item! Who are you?
Bat-Mite sprays Brainiac, who immediately hits the floor.
BAT-MITE
I'm Bat-Mite.
INT. BAT-MITE'S BASEMENT - NIGHT
Batmite sits at his computer, as we see him write the preceeding line, and continue writing as he speaks out loud.
BAT-MITE
And then Bat-Mite used his powers to take Mxy's powers back from The Joker and give them back to their rightful owner. He brought back from the dead all the people that Brainiac killed except Bizzaro, and then everyone loved Bat-Mite and he became Batman's new sidekick and they were best friends, and sometimes they would go out and play laser tag on Batman's private laser tag arena, and nobody would make fun of Bat-Mite anymore because if they did, Batman would beat them up. The End.
Bat-Mite leans back, looking proud of his work.
BAT-MITE
Not to toot my own horn, but this might just be my best work yet. Wait until the Internet sees this!
Bat-Mite continues typing.
BAT-MITE
Dear Movie Reels... Check this out...
THE END
