Feature Presentation
BLACK SCREEN.
Danif Rap
Zack, you in there?
Knock, knock, knock.
Danif Rap
It’s Danif.
FADE IN
INT. ZACK WOODY’S HOUSE
Danif Rap, medium length with short dark hair in a “Doomsday Clock” shirt with jeans knocks on the door.
Danif Rap
Open up please.
The door instantly swings open, Danif walk in .
INT. ZACK WOODY’S ROOM
Danif looks around, the room is covered in boxes. He sees Zack, blonde headed, in nothing but boxers holding himself as he cries.
Danif Rap
What the hell is wrong? What are these boxes?
Danif picks one up, it has an Ebay address on it.
Danif Rap
Oh shit. They came.
Zack Woody
All 36 items! Nearly 900 dollars worth of useless shit!
Danif Rap
Stay calm!
Zack Woody
WHY!?!?
Danif Rap
I don’t know. To be honest, this really isn’t good and as far as this situation goes: you’re screwed. You do actually have the rights to freak out.
Zack Woody
Good.
Zack gets up and calmly walks to the closet grabbing some clothes (a “Inglorious Basterds” shirt and tan shorts) then puts then on.
Zack Woody
Alright let’s go.
Danif Rap
What do you mean? You’re not going to go insane?
Zack Woody
Christ, what do you think I am? A baby?
Zack gives Danif a bitch-slap on the way out. Danif just stands defeated. A subtitle appears:
Axis Pictures Presents
A Taylor Betz Film.
CUT TO
INT. DANIF RAP’S CAR- DAY
Danif drives while Zack sits in the passenger’s seat, drinking a can of Coke.
Zack Woody
Been peeking at Marvel’s latest?
Danif Rap
Haven’t had the time.
Zack Woody
Oh that’s right. DC is the only lady you’ll peek at.
Danif Rap
What can I say? I’m a man who loves my plots to be entirely engaging and with a real world set of sensibility.
Zack Woody
Oh piss off, for you see my friend two words: Civil War.
Danif Rap
Yeah, two words that are combined into one word: Watchmen.
Zack Woody
You have some ‘splain to do.
Danif Rap
Alright. Basic Civil War plotline: government ordering heroes to conform to their standards by revealing all information and allowing the government to have quite a bit of control over them, thus splitting up the heroes into two divisions.
Zack Woody
Such a mild way to put it but to some degree: true, however that applies more to Ultimate Alliance 2, which you’d mix up because you aren’t a true believer.
Danif Rap
That be as it may, Remember the investigation that the Minute Men went under during the Communist Paranoia that had actually occurred in the real world, which split the heroes into two different divisions: ones who go for it and ones who don’t a’la Civil War.
Zack Woody
Alright, in Watchmen only Hooded Justice went refused that, in Civil War a shit more do it, enough more to cause a Civil War. You’re point is entirely trivial, that was only a minor part of Watchmen while Civil War expands that idea into an massively epic story line.
Danif Rap
I’m driving, I feel sleepy, oh look: there’s a tree. Pray that I don’t hit it.
Zack Woody
Christ, such a lame way to win an argument.
Danif Rap
You’ve used those tactics as well.
Zack Woody
Yeah, but generally to have sex with women not win arguments over comic books.
Danif Rap
How would that work in achieving ass?
Zack Woody
“I’m driving, I feel sleepy, oh look: there’s a tree. If someone would blow me maybe I’d stay awake”.
Danif Rap
That never works.
Zack Woody
It has.
Danif Rap
Whatever.
Zack Woody
You know what I think is weird?
Danif Rap
What?
Zack Woody
Why aren’t there any really geeky bands?
Danif Rap
There are geeks in bands.
Zack Woody
I mean geeks who create music entirely based on nerdy pop culture. There is bands based solely on Harry Potter.
Danif Rap
I forgot about that.
Zack Woody
That’s so fucking weird. And that Twilight shit has bands.
Danif Rap
Really?
Zack Woody
Yeah. We need to form a massively geeky band but we have to rock.
Danif Rap
We could call ourselves The Endless like in Neil Gaiman’s Sandman series.
Zack Woody
No. That shit freaks me out.
Danif Rap
Oh. I forgot that it wasn’t generic enough for you and your hard-on for Marvel.
Zack Woody
Piss off.
Danif Rap
So my foul mouthed friend, how has your love life been?
Zack Woody
I’ve fucked a lot of women.
Danif Rap
Is that good?
Zack Woody
Yes.
Danif Rap
Good.
Zack Woody
No. It’s bad that I had sex with women.
Danif Rap
What if you catch an STD?
Zack Woody
That’ll never happen.
Danif Rap
You said the same thing about Dark Knight Strikes Again.
Zack Woody
Piss off.
Danif laughs.
CUT TO
INT. MAUL’S MALL
The Maul City Mall is massive. It seems to go on forever and with two different floors it adds to the spectacle. Near the entrance is a small store, with a blue front and big yellow font “The Comic Shop” on it. The lights turn on.
ZOOM INTO
INT. COMIC SHOP
Danif stands behind the counter, working on the register while Zack shelves comics behind him.
Zack Woody
I want to fuck Karma.
Danif Rap
Why?
Zack Woody
Karma sucks so bad, all she ever does is fuck with me… bitch.
Danif Rap
Have you even talked to her?
Zack Woody
Are you retarded? You can’t talk to Karma, it’s a spirit thing like the force.
Danif Rap
Oh. I thought you where talking about this girl who works at Stone of Romancing.
Zack Woody
Wait… there’s a girl named Karma?
Danif Rap
Yeah.
Zack Woody
That’s Karma with a “K” right?
Danif Rap
Yes.
Zack Woody
Get the fuck out of here.
Zack stops shelving things to address Danif face to face.
Zack Woody
There is a girl named Karma that I can fuck.
Danif Rap
Yes.
Zack Woody
I can finally fuck Karma?
Danif Rap
Sure, not sure if it’d help with your luck.
Zack Woody
Metaphors have never been so sexy.
CUT TO
INT. STONE OF ROMANCING
A hippie-esque girl with light red hair works the register. Zack is in line. The room is filled with all sorts of weird shit you’d find in “Romancing The Stone” (In scents, gorilla statues, hermit grabs, typical hippie stuff).
Karma
May I help you?
Zack Woody
Your name is Karma right?
Karma
Yes… why?
Zack Woody
I’m driving, I feel sleepy, oh look: there’s a tree. If someone would blow me maybe I’d stay awake.
Karma
What?
Zack Woody
Shit, I forgot I’m not in a car.
Karma
Mister, can I help you?
Zack Woody
Alright, alright. Listen Karma, I have cancer.
Karma
What kind?
Zack Woody
The kind that will kill me tonight. I’ve always loved you and have dreamt of making love to you forever. This is my last chance, please make these dream come true.
Karma
How long will this take?
Zack Woody
Five minutes at max, 40 seconds if you’re body is good looking.
Karma
Alright, fine… but only because you’re dieing.
Karma begins to lead Zack into a back room.
CUT TO
INT. MAUL’S MALL
Danif and Zack walk together.
Zack Woody
41 seconds of giving it to karma.
Danif Rap
Wow. That’s an amazing story.
Zack Woody
Thanks.
Danif Rap
I was joking.
Zack Woody
I fucking know.
The stop infront of store called “Mr. Balladeer’s Ice Cream Shop”. The front if pink with cute white font.
ZOOM IN
INT. ICE CREAM SHOP
Danif and Zack stand at the counter. The man working the register is Mr. Balladeer. He was once a skinny looking man, now he is ripped with muscles.
Zack Woody
Oh shit, he pulled a Carrot Top.
Mr. Balladeer
Morin’ fellas.
Danif Rap
Mr. Balladeer… you’re ripped!
Mr. Balladeer
I’ve decided to put on some muscles.
Zack Woody
You run an ice-cream store in a mall, why the fuck would you need muscles?
Mr. Balladeer
I’m signing up for MMA.
Zack Woody
Get the fuck out of here. I love MMA.
Mr. Balladeer
Really? It’s quite a strategic affair.
Zack Woody
It’s great to see two people beat the shit out of eachother.
Zack turns to Danif who just gives an awkward stare.
Zack Woody
Oh yeah, Danif here is a massive cock and thinks MMA is gay.
Danif Rap
I do not!
Zack Woody
You hate it, admit it.
Danif Rap
I have a reason.
Zack Woody
And what is that?
Danif Rap
I just hate watching two people beat the hell out of one another.
Zack Woody
So says the man who gets an orgasm from chainsawing people in Gears of War.
Danif Rap
I don’t like real-life violence. Plain and simple.
Zack Woody
That makes no sense.
Danif Rap
Yes it does.
Mr. Balladeer
I think he has a point.
Zack Woody
I want to hear it then.
Danif Rap
What’s not to hear? I simply don’t like MMA or WWE for that matter, because watching two men really harm on another disturbs me. However, seeing fictionalized violence which is an art, can be amusing because it’s a fantasy of reality, essentially the point of fiction: to see what we ourselves wish not to achieve. Such as I would never like to in a war. But by watching “Saving Private Ryan” I can be taken there without ever getting near the battle field. I’m amused by murdering pixilated persons because I know that it isn’t harming anyone but I’m getting to sense it. However, when it comes to chainsawing an actual person it would offend me and it’d honestly be something I psychologically couldn’t do.
Zack Woody
You drive a point, one I’m not entirely in argument of but fuck it: let’s get some ice-cream.
Mr. Balladeer
What will you have?
Zack Woody
A chocolate for my friend and I’m health conscience so nothing for me.
Mr. Balladeer
Really?
Zack Woody
Fuck no. Give me the biggest ice-cream you’ve got.
CUT TO
INT. COMIC SHOP
Danif and Zack stand behind the counter eating their respective ice-creams (one scoop chocolate, one four scoop vanilla).
Zack Woody
So… did you have to spank it yourself or was Jane there to help with the smack-attack?
Danif Rap
What do you mean?
Zack Woody
Did you and Jane fuck or not?
Danif Rap
We’re just friends.
Zack Woody
Great! Your back to square one again. You two became friends again because you refused to act on your instincts and denied her a ride on your disco-stick. This is so fucking stupid.
Danif Rap
I’m sorry I can’t just fuck anyone like you!
Zack Woody
My dick is off topic.
Danif Rap
Why?
Zack Woody
Because I use it on a regular basis and know it works. Fuck man, 18 years old and a virgin running a comic shop, still live with ya parents, right?
Danif Rap
Piss off.
Zack Woody
You’re fulfilling the very stereotype that you and me promised to destroy. Remember Senior Year? We made a pact to-
Danif puts one hand on his chest and the other in the air, reciting an oath.
Danif Rap
-to seek and destroy the stereotype that nerds lived with their parents-
Zack Woody
-and were virgins. And here you are, fucking it all up.
Danif Rap
Don’t worry now.
Zack Woody
You gotta worry at one point.
Danif Rap
Can you organize the graphic novels?
Zack Woody
That’s Jane’s Job.
Danif Rap
She isn’t here. Yet.
Zack Woody
Can’t you wait 10 minutes for her?
Danif Rap
I’m the manager, you’re the worker. Do work.
Zack Woody
You know when we close at 5 you go back to being my bitch.
Danif Rap
Whatever.
Zack Woody throws his ice-cream away and starts to organize graphic novels for a few moments until Danif walks over.
Zack Woody
Am I not doing my job right?
Danif Rap
No, Christ, have some confidence.
Zack Woody
I’m fucking with you.
Danif Rap
Yeah, by making yourself look insecure.
Zack Woody
Whatever.
Danif Rap
Anyways, you know what just occurred to me?
Zack Woody
That you’re a closeted homosexual and that I’m the best person to open up to.
Danif Rap
No.
Zack Woody
Okay, stay in the closet.
Danif Rap
I realized that women are better then men.
Zack Woody
Did you just deny your homosexuality and followed it up with the most homosexual statement ever?
Danif Rap
Listen please.
Zack Woody
Alright! Calm down you queen!
Danif Rap
But seriously they are.
Zack Woody
That sex-change is going to your head.
Danif Rap
I have a theory.
Zack Woody
Like flies to crap, theories compel me no matter how fucking stupid they are. Go forth and tell me.
Danif Rap
Women give birth, they create life.
Zack Woody
Can’t deny you that.
Danif Rap
Just shut up and let me continue. There have been species proven to reproduce asexually, thus no need for men. Second of all, what do men contribute? Everything we can do women can. Besides giving off the proper needs to create a child, there isn’t anything we do entirely special. Again, species can be asexual. Even acting in male parts, see Cate Blanchett in “I’m Not There”. Both men and women can destroy things, but only women can create life. So, in hand, women have the sold advantage of creating life which single handily wins the argument.
Zack Woody
Well um… you see…
Danif Rap
Yes?
Zack Woody
Fuck you! Fuck you and your feminist view-point! Men are like “RAAAGH” and women go “I wanna watch The Notebook” and I’m like “FUUUUUUUUU”
Danif Rap
I have broken you. Your land is mine.
Zack just sighs and turns to Danif. He gives Danif a petite bitch slap then walks off.
Danif Rap
I’m gonna go unload the boxes in storage.
Zack Woody (Off Screen)
Whatever.
CUT TO
INT. COMIC SHOP BACKROOM
The room is small and dark. Danif opens big boxes and looks at what’s in them, then marks something on a yellow notepad he has in hand. He does this for a few moments until Jane Willow walks in. She sports a “Army of Darkness” shit and jeans. Jane is significantly shorter then day and his light brown hair tied up.
Jane Willow
Hey.
Danif Rap
What’s up?
Jane Willow
Just watching you short through shit.
Danif Rap
Fun?
Jane Willow
Tons. Almost as much as having a special someone come over to your house and leave at 8, so you can sleep alone and wonder were you went wrong for about until you cry yourself to sleep at 4 in the morning then go to work at 10 to see the same “special someone” act as if nothing happened: almost as fun as that.
Danif Rap
If I said I was sorry, would that help?
Jane Willow
I’m not sure.
Danif Rap
Well… I’m sorry.
Danif gets up to hug Jane, which he does for a few seconds then lets go.
Danif Rap
Things will be better, right?
Jane Willow
Yeah, I guess.
Danif Rap
Can you finish up here?
Jane Willow
Sure.
Danif Rap
I’m going to check on Zack, god knows he needs it.
With that Danif walks out of the room, closing the door behind him.
Jane Willow
God knows I need you.
Jane begins to do work.
CUT TO
INT. COMIC SHOP
Zack stands behind the counter as a customer approaches. This customer actually has a name, well sort of: Dogface. He is a sloppy looking person with short curly brown hair in a Flash iron-on t-shirt.
Zack Woody
What are you buying Dogface?
Dogface
This.
Dogface flashes a “Marvel Zombies” comic infront of Zack.
Zack Woody
I didn’t mean show me it, I don’t care. I was trying to be nice.
Dogface
It was a horrible attempt.
Zack Woody
Yeah, but you don’t ask Glen Beck to buy your medication so that’ll be 5 bucks.
Dogface
You see, I don’t have any money one me per say so I was wondering if I could pay your tomorrow.
Zack Woody
Listen man, we except cash and… cash.
Dogface
Could I do you a favor or something?
Zack Woody
Like what?
Dogface
Like…
Dogface leans in.
Dogface
…phone sex.
Zack Woody
What? That’s weird!
Dogface
I’m desperate.
Zack Woody
Give me a snippet.
Dogface
My mom got a in car-wreck this morning and-
Zack Woody
-No, not of your life. I mean of your phone-sex skills. Try it.
Dogface
Alright, here it goes… I’m so horny, I enjoy your hot stick when it’s my dough-hole.
Zack Woody
That’s hot.
Dogface
Really?
Zack Woody
Fuck no! “Dough hole”? What the hell does that mean? Christ man, just take the fucking comic, after that I shit I don’t want to look at you anymore.
Dogface
Thanks!
Zack Woody
Go Goddamnit!
Dogface takes his comic and rushes out. Danif approaches Zack right after.
Danif Rap
How are things going?
Zack Woody
Just as normal as ever.
Danif Rap
I’m going to go grab a snack at the food court, mind watching the place?
Zack Woody
Sure, whatever.
Danif Rap
Thanks man.
Danif pats Zack on the back and then leaves. Zack pulls out an issue of “Playboy” from the counter and starts flipping through it.
Zack Woody
Marge Simpson? What?
Chris Toh
Comic boy.
Zack puts the Playboy down to see Chris Toh: the dark man in a gray suit, he’s buff as hell and bald to boot, with a thick Jamaican accent.
Zack Woody
Who are you and what do you want?
Chris Toh
I Chris Toh, the most powerful black man in Jersey.
Zack Woody
That’s like saying you’re the most powerful black man in a shithole.
Chris Toh
What kind of analogy is that?
Zack Woody
It wasn’t.
Chris Toh
I’ma buy your shop.
Zack Woody
Why?
Chris Toh
To sell my book.
Zack Woody
Wait… you’re going to buy an entire store just to sell one book?
Chris Toh
It be in high demand.
Zack Woody
What’s it called?
Chris Toh
“Truth In Gods: The Plot Device to Perfection”, it is an examination of-
Zack Woody
-I asked for the title, not the goddamn synopsis.
Chris Toh
Where is the manager?
Zack Woody
Danif? He’s crying or some shit. Won’t be back until you leave.
Chris Toh
Don’t try me boy.
Zack Woody
I ain’t a boy and I got the girth to proof it.
Chris Toh
Try it!
Zack Woody
…try what?
Chris Toh
Fighting me.
Zack Woody
You’re in a store. I’m running the register, I can tell you to leave. Now leave.
Chris Toh
Fuck you.
Zack Woody
Now you’ve entered my domain, so either leave my domain or get bent.
Chris Toh
Me getting sick of your shit.
Zack Woody
Well, “me” is going to fuck you up.
Chris Toh
I chat with this bitch-boy Danif, convince him to get me the store, then you never be here again.
Zack Woody
I don’t give two-fucks what happens. It’d only mean I wouldn’t have to work, freeing my schedule to do all sorts of insane shit like ass-fuck clowns and make out with midgets.
Chris Toh
You’re fucked up.
Zack Woody
Alright, leave.
Chris Toh
I leave. But I find bitch-boy Danif.
Zack Woody
Whatever asshole.
Chris Toh leaves, just as he does Jane walks up to Zack.
Jane Willow
We need to talk.
Zack Woody
Christ, can’t I get a moment of piece? Besides, you Jane Willow are coming to me to “talk”: can’t be good.
Jane Willow
I want to know what Danif thinks of me.
Zack Woody
He thinks you’re cool.
Jane Willow
Does he like me?
Zack Woody
You are his second best-friend.
Jane Willow
I mean more then a friend.
Zack Woody
I don’t know. Probably.
Jane Willow
Really?
Zack Woody
I personally think that he’s a closeted homosexual who wants me. But I don’t mind, the idea that someone would get so worked over me is kinda sweet.
Jane Willow
You’re effing useless.
Zack Woody
Someone wants to buy the shop.
Jane Willow
What?
CUT TO
INT. FOOD COURT
Danif and Zack sit across from eachother.
Danif Rap
Why the hell does he want the shop?
Zack Woody
To shell some shitty book or something.
Danif Rap
How did you get him to leave?
Zack Woody
The usual thing that makes people leave.
Danif Rap
That you ass-fuck clowns and make out with midgets?
Zack Woody
He left.
Danif Rap
You’re so twisted.
Zack Woody
Yeah, I know.
Danif Rap
Christ. This is a problem.
Zack Woody
Then Jane came bitching about you.
Danif Rap
Really? What did she say?
Zack Woody
She, being a insecure girl she is, came to me asking if you liked her.
Danif Rap
Wait: she came to you.
Zack Woody
Yeah, you know she’s really strung up about it when of all the people who pulses in the mall she comes to me.
Danif Rap
Fuck, I feel worried.
Zack Woody
That’s not the half of your problems: some asshole wants to buy the store.
Danif Rap
Thanks for helping me out.
Zack Woody
Hey, that’s what I’m here for. Speaking of which.
Chris Toh makes his way over to them.
Chris Toh
Danif Rap.
Danif Rap
That is indeed my name.
Chris Toh
We need to chat.
Zack Woody
Hey Pal, listen, don’t you have a dutchie to pass or something?
Chris Toh
Dat is racist.
Zack Woody
“Dat’s” krazy!
Chris Toh
I’m Tupac and your Enemien!
Zack Woody
So I’m fucking Mariah Carey and your dead?
Chris Toh
I meant in skills.
Zack Woody
What kills? Like breathing skills? If so-
Chris Toh
-fuck you and fuck your friend.
Danif Rap
What did I do?
Chris Toh
I’m coming for you and your boyfriend and your bloody comic shop.
Zack Woody
And I’m coming for your Mom.
Chris Toh
You disrespectful cocksucker. By 6 there won’t be a store for you and Bilbo Faggins to have your suck-fest in. I burn it down. I burn it down to the ground.
Chris Toh pats his chest and makes a “Peace” sign as he storms off.
Danif Rap
Is he really going to burn the place down?
Zack Woody
No, He’ll undoubtfully puss out.
Danif Rap
He seemed serious.
Zack Woody
No. That’s just gangsta talk.
Danif Rap
I think we’re fucked.
CUT TO
INT. COMIC SHOP
Jane works the counter a Customer comes up.
Jane Willow
Can I help you?
Customer #1
Hey, you’re a girl!
Jane Willow
Imagine that! Someone with a y-chromosome running the register at a comic-book store!
Customer #1
Wow… you’re so pretty.
Jane Willow
What do you want?
Customer #1
You’re phone-number.
Jane Willow
Alright, this can’t get anymore awkward.
Customer #1
Do you swallow?
CUT TO
INT. GUITAR STORE
Danif and Zack walk through a guitar store.
Danif Rap
I’m sure the customers are being nice to Jane.
Zack Woody
Yeah, I doubt it.
Danif Rap
What do you think Fone is up to?
Zack Woody
That is why we came here right?
Danif Rap
I still don’t think he has “sage-like” advice.
Zack Woody
The dude is like a Metal Yoda.
They approach the counter. Behind it is a tall man, ripped with tattoos and long dark hair. He towers over them.
Fone
What the fuck do you want?
Zack Woody
To see what you are up to.
Fone
I fucked your mother.
Zack Woody
Gee, that’s something.
Fone
I won’t conform by talking to you.
Zack Woody
Well shit, we wasted 30 seconds of our life’s to get here and chat with you.
Fone
Drink my piss.
Danif Rap
Geez.
Danif begins to walk off, Zack stops him.
Danif Rap
I don’t want to talk to this asshole.
Zack Woody
Trust me it’s cool. Hey Fone.
Fone
Goddamnit.
Zack Woody
My bitch-boy friend here is having girl troubles.
Fone
Find a hole.
Danif Rap
Yes?
Fone
And fuck it.
Zack Woody
Brilliant advice.
Fone
Now get the fuck out of here!
CUT TO
INT. MAUL’S MALL
Danif and Zack walk.
Danif Rap
Well, that was shit.
Zack Woody
Yeah, but at least it gave us some time off work.
Danif Rap
Which meant more for Jane.
Zack Woody
Christ, why do you bring her up so often in such a sympathetic way if you’re the one who royally screwed here over?
Danif Rap
Because I care about her.
Zack Woody
You’re such a fucking paradox at times.
Zack scratches his crotch.
Danif Rap
Ugh. What was that?
Zack Woody
Me scratching my dick, no big deal.
Danif Rap
It sounded harsh.
Zack Woody
Care about my dick much?
Danif Rap
Nevermind.
Zack gives another scratch.
Zack Woody
Shit.
Danif Rap
What?
Zack Woody
Something ain’t right.
Danif Rap
What if you had crabs? How funny would that be?
Zack Woody
Not that funny at all.
Danif Rap
Wouldn’t it be funnier if-
Zack Woody
-I got it from Karma.
Zack’s eyes go wide.
Zack Woody
OH FUCK ME!
Danif Rap
It’s Karma man.
Zack Woody
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
Danif Rap
Fuck Karma, eh?
Zack Woody
This isn’t the time for jokes, we’ve got to do something!
Danif Rap
Like what? We really do need to get work and I’m not going to let you off just because you have crabs.
Zack Woody
Why not?
CUT TO
INT. COMIC SHOP
Danif and Zack return, Jane looks at them oddly.
Jane Willow
Something isn’t right.
Danif Rap
Zack has crabs.
Jane Willow
WHAT!?!
Zack Woody
Goddamnit Danif, you aren’t suppose to tell.
Jane Willow
Oh my god. It’s brilliant.
Danif Rap
True that.
Zack Woody
Let’s just do some fucking working.
CUT TO MONTAGE
The threesome deals with an assortment of customers.
*Danif works the register.
D
anif Rap
How may I help you?
Customer #2
I would like a double-cheeseburger.
Danif Rap
This is a comic book store.
Customer #2
Really?
Danif Rap
Yeah.
Customer #2
Well, I was wondering why you had so many comics here.
*Zack works the register.
Zack Woody
What the hell do you want?
Customer #3
I ain’t lyin’: I’m a porno director,
wanna shot my next flick here
and don’t worry, it ain’t queer.
Zack Woody
Do you always rhyme?
Customer #3
No. Now hurry up with the decision making cause I ain’t got much time.
You can be in this flick you see,
As look as you don’t mind to wash girls’ faces with your pee.
*Jane works the register.
Jane Willow
How may I help you?
Dogface
Sup?
Jane Willow
Attempting to do work.
Dogface
Wanna watch a bootleg director’s cut of Superman Returns?
Jane Willow
Do you want to keep holding up the line?
Dogface
Listen, you don’t have to stay with these nerds. I can save you.
Jane Willow
Yeah, just like Twilight saved female attendance at Comic Con.
Dogface
You fucking bitch!
Dogface throws up.
Jane Willow
SHAZAM!
*Zack works the register.
Customer #4
Do you have any singular issues of Watchmen?
Zack Woody
No. But we do have singular issues of Civil War.
Customer #4
I don’t want that kid shit.
Zack jumps over the counter and begins to strangle the customer, Danif leaps into frame and pulls him off.
Danif Rap
Leave it alone!
Zack Woody
CIVIL WAR ISN’T A WATCHMEN RIPOFF GODDMANIT!
*Danif works for the register
Danif Rap
How may I help you?
Customer #5
I’m looking for a picture book my kid would enjoy.
Danif Rap
I suggest something Marvel, they usually keep it tame.
Customer #5
What about something with Batman? He likes that stuff.
Danif Rap
Just to warn you some of the Batman stories are quite dark.
Customer #5
What about this one? “Batman: The Long Halloween”?
Danif Rap
That’s quite dark.
Customer #5
He’s fucking six, he can handle anything. He sat through all of Aliens and pissed himself only 4 times, beat my record.
Danif Rap
Um…
*Zack works the register
Dogface
I’d like to make a complaint!
Zack Woody
This ain’t the fucking AICN message boards. But go ahead.
Dogface
This girl who worked here.
Zack Woody
Fucking leave.
Dogface
Huh?
Zack Woody
Are you bitching that there was a girl in a comic book store?
Dogface
I, uh-
Zack Woody
Was she not busty enough for you? Did you want fucking Power Girl?
Dogface
No.
Zack Woody
GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!
Dogface runs out crying. Danif walks up to Zack.
Danif Rap
Did you just defend women’s rights?
Zack Woody
I guess so.
Danif Rap
I’m glad for you.
Zack Woody
I wanna go watch The Notebook…
Zack’s eyes go wide.
Zack Woody
Oh fuck no.
*Jane works the register
Customer #6
Can I buy a comic?
Jane Willow
Yes.
Customer #6
Do you have any money on you?
Jane Willow
What?
Customer #6
Can I burrow some money from you to buy a comic and pay you back later.
Jane Willow
No. It doesn’t work that way.
Customer #6
Dumb bitch.
MONTAGE ENDS
Now Danif and Zack relax behind the counter, Zack flips through an issue of “The Uncanny X-Men”.
Zack Woody
You know for a secret organization that runs behind a private school that’s harder to get into then Harvard, you’d think the X-Men would have a stricter dress code. I mean, just look at Beast, what the hell is that? A speedo? Christ.
Danif Rap
Is this what you’re going to do all day?
Zack Woody
Heh. But seriously, remember Wolverine’s old yellow spandex outfit? What was that about?
Danif Rap
This isn’t open mic at the Comedy Club.
Zack Woody
Yeah, whatever.
Danif Rap
But come to think of it…
Zack Woody
Yes, rant! Rant!
Danif Rap
I never quite understood how Spider-Man made his outfit in the feature film.
Zack Woody
Bitching about a Sam Raimi film? I’m inclined to ignore you but fuck it, got nothing else to do.
Danif Rap
What kind of material is that suit made of? Notice the gray lines on his suit, they’re not part of it, they indent up. I’m not sure what it is but to get an entire suit worth to match up perfectly and stay on, it seems odd. Parker can’t afford a fucking car let alone a specially designed outfit like that. It’s just uncanny.
Jane appears.
Jane Willow
As entertaining as it is to listen to you guys bitch about superhero costumes I am going to go grab some lunch.
Danif Rap
Alright.
Zack Woody
Where you getting lunch?
Jane Willow
Joe’s Crab Shack.
Zack Woody
FUCK YOU!
Jane leaves. She stops at the door and takes a look at Danif, then continues on.
Zack Woody
The tension is rising.
Danif Rap
What do you mean?
Zack Woody
Well, it’s nearly 1, which gives us less then 6 hours until he burns it to the ground.
Danif Rap
You know, I don’t think he will.
Zack Woody
Ironic ‘cause I think he will.
Jane walks back in.
Jane Willow
Hey Danif?
Danif Rap
Yeah?
Jane Willow
Can I have a chat with you in the backroom?
Danif Rap
Um sure.
Zack Woody
My Spidey senses are tingling.
Danif Rap
That’s probably just your crabs.
Zack Woody
Goddamnit.
CUT TO
INT. COMIC SHOP BACKROOM
Jane shuts the door behind Danif.
Jane Willow
Alright, what the hell happened?
Danif Rap
He had sex with some random chick-
Jane Willow
-I’m not talking about Zack’s crabs, even if it’s incredibly amusing. I’m talking about us.
Danif Rap
What do you mean “us”?
Jane Willow
Exactly.
Danif Rap
I don’t understand.
Jane Willow
You always do this when you don’t understand something. Just because you’re a comic-book geek doesn’t mean you can’t been aware of social problems that have arisen.
Danif Rap
Huh?
Jane Willow
Exactly. Remember our kiss? Remember me telling that I loved you?
Danif Rap
Uh…
Jane Willow
Don’t play fucking stupid.
Danif Rap
Alright, I do.
Jane Willow
Then what happened?
Danif Rap
I really do like you. I’m just not sure if I can satisfy you.
Jane Willow
What do you mean “satisfy” me? Just being with you makes me happy.
Danif Rap
I mean… well, you know…
Jane Willow
No, I don’t. Elaborate please.
Danif Rap
With… “sex”.
Jane Willow
What?
Danif Rap
I just don’t know if I can please you.
Jane Willow
Is this what it’s about? Sex?
Danif Rap
Well, kinda.
Jane Willow
What do you mean kinda? Are you understanding what you’re saying?
Danif Rap
It’s just, I don’t know.
Jane Willow
We can’t solve this if you have no idea-
Danif Rap
-I don’t want to fuck up at sex!
Jane goes blank.
Danif Rap
That’s what it is! I don’t think I’m a good sexual partner, and I don’t want you to get unsatisfied and go off cheating on me for it. I just feel like there is one massive flaw the blue print that is us, just like the Death Star!
Jane Willow
Why do you think of me like that?
Danif Rap
What you mean?
Jane Willow
You think that I’m the girl who goes and fucks someone else just because I’m not satisfied? Am I that low to you?
Danif Rap
No, no!
Jane Willow
God Danif. I love you and you’d let that go to waste because you have no self-confidence at all! Christ this is awful.
Danif Rap
I didn’t mean it-
Jane Willow
-No. Just fuck it. I have never had sex and have no standards whatsoever, I don’t even understand why you’d get so worked up about it.
Danif Rap
Can we just leave it!
Jane Willow
Put it under the carpet and act like it never happened?
Danif Rap
Yes.
Jane Willow
No. That’s what you tried to do with last night, and that’s what you’re trying to do now. You just can’t deal with our problems can you? Please Danif, I love you and I want to be with you but if you’re so insecure and immature you can’t properly handle these scenarios then why should I bother!
Jane slaps Danif across the face and then storms out.
CUT TO
INT. COMIC SHOP
Danif rushes from the back door as Jane leaves. Zack looks up from his Playboy.
Danif Rap
JANE! WAIT!
Danif stops. He turns to Zack who just looks back into his mag, acting innocent.
Danif Rap
Zack?
Zack Woody
Yes?
Danif Rap
Do you want to go get some ice-cream?
CUT TO
INT. ICE CREAM SHOP
The door is locked shut. Danif tries to open it for a few moments but gets upset and starts kicking the glass door. Zack pulls him off.
Danif Rap
FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!
Zack Woody
What are you so pissed about? It’s only Mall Ice-Cream.
Danif Rap
It’s not the ice-cream. It’s everything.
Zack Woody
Like what?
Danif Rap
Like the fact that I’m a loser who spends days on end talking about bullshit with you. Mocking people for what they do while we just sit there. There are people going to college and earning degrees to become doctors and save little kids’ life and shit! And while they do that I sit in a store and read comics all day. I’m so fucking small and on top of the shit-stain in society’s briefs that is my life, there is a girl who for some reason likes, no- loves me and I can’t love her back because I feel like I’ll disappoint here sexually. What the fuck does that say on my position in life? I’m in such a miserable state that I upset about fucking mall ice-cream!
Zack Woody
And that guy is going to burn down the store!
Danif Rap
And that guy is going to burn down the fucking store!
Zack Woody
Hay man.
Danif Rap
WHAT?
Zack Woody
Shouldn’t we talk about this in a more private place?
Danif Rap
Like where?
CUT TO
INT. SPENCER GIFTS
Danif sits on the floor while Zack examines a black and white dildo.
Danif Rap
Alright, let’s run down the mission objectives like a game.
Zack Woody
1.Chris Toh is gonna burn the place down in about 5 hours.
Danif Rap
2.Jane is pissed as hell at me.
Zack Woody
3.Your life sucks.
Danif Rap
4.You have crabs.
Zack Woody
My life sucks.
Danif Rap
God, we’re going to need a miracle.
Stranger
A miracle?
Danif and Zack turn over their shoulders to see the backdoor open.
Stranger
I know a little something about miracles.
Out from the backdoor, he emerges from a thick mist.
Danif Rap
Oh. My. God.
Jesus Christ
That’s my Father’s name.
Zack quickly puts down the dildo.
Zack Woody
It’s not what you think it was!
Jesus Christ
Whatever.
Danif Rap
Jesus! You can help me!
Jesus Christ
Yeah, I could… or I could make world peace.
Zack Woody
Really?
Jesus Christ
No. That’d be boring as shit.
Zack Woody
You curse?
Jesus Christ
No. I don’t curse. I bring miracles, big fucking difference.
Zack Woody
I meant language.
Jesus Christ
Yeah, don’t you remember the last time?
Zack Woody
Not at all.
Jesus Christ
It’s alright, I’m sure you meet Jesus a lot.
Zack Woody
Don’t be a prick about it.
Jesus Christ
I died for your sins, I can be as big of a prick as I want.
Zack Woody
Alright, do we get three wishes?
Jesus Christ
What do you think I am? A Genie?
Zack Woody
I thought all religious icons were genies.
Jesus Christ
No. That’s only the weird ones like L. Ron Herbert.
Danif Rap
Can you make my dick bigger?
Jesus Christ
Yes… for three easy payments of $12.99.
Danif Rap
No seriously.
Jesus Christ
Did you really just ask me that question?
Danif Rap
No.
Jesus Christ
Good, anyways. Much like the last time around, I’m here to give you sage-like advice.
Zack Woody
Like Fone!
Jesus Christ
No, that dude is an asshole. I tried to return my Gibson Explorer because Adam shredded the fucker and he wouldn’t except it.
Danif Rap
Adam of “Adam and Eve” fan?
Jesus Christ
No. Adam Lambert.
Danif Rap
But he isn’t dead!
Jesus Christ
He’s dead to me after that album.
Zack Woody
Topical jokes amuse me.
Jesus Christ
They won’t 6 months from now.
Danif Rap
So anyways, what’s the advice?
Jesus Christ
Don’t drink anything that comes out of someone’s ass.
Danif Rap
Is that it?
Jesus Christ
Yeah. Bye.
In a flash of light, Jesus disappears.
Danif Rap
Well. That fucking sucked.
In a flash of light, Jesus reappears.
Jesus Christ
Just fucking with you.
Danif Rap
Oh thank Christ!
Jesus Christ
Welcome. Anyways, alright, let’s start with Jane.
Danif Rap
Yes. What should I do?
Jesus slaps Danif across the face.
Jesus Christ
Are you fucking stupid?
Danif Rap
Is that it?
Jesus Christ
Yeah. It should be really obvious, know?
Danif Rap
Um…
Jesus Christ
What are you? A-
Jesus makes the motion of drawing a square with his figures, it actually outlines on the screen.
Zack Woody
Heh.
Jesus Christ
And as for you Mr. Woody-
Zack Woody
Yes?
Jesus Christ
I’d get ride of your crabs and all but…
Zack Woody
But what?
Jesus Christ
You kinda deserve it. Anyways, I gotta go now, got some money riding on the season finale of Dancing With The Stars.
Zack Woody
That’ s lame.
Jesus flicks his figures.
Jesus Christ
I just replaced your crabs with spiders.
Zack Woody
Oh SHIT!
Zack rushes to rip his pants off and starts to try and flick them off of his crotch by shoving his hand down his pants.
Zack Woody
FUCK! FUCK!
Jesus Christ
I’m just screwing with you.
Zack stops.
Jesus Christ
Anyways, Bye.
Jesus flashes away.
Danif Rap
Well… now what?
Zack Woody
Guess we better get ready.
Danif Rap
We are going to die, aren’t we?
Zack Woody
Probably.
CUT TO
EXT. MAUL’S MALL
In SLOW MOTION we see Zack walking toward Chris Toh, who stands in the parking lot on an earpiece cellphone with a cigarette dangling from his mouth.
CUT TO
INT. COMIC SHOP
In SLOW MOTION we see Danif walking toward Jane Willow, who stands behind the counter with a lickerish dangling from her mouth.
CUT BACK AND FORTH
Between these two happenings.
Zack looks at Chris Toh, clenching his fist.
Zack Woody
Hay fuck face.
Chris Toh looks up.
Chris Toh (To Cellphone)
I be callin’ you back.
He hangs up.
Jane looks up at Zack.
Jane Willow
What?
Zack makes a running dash to Chris Toh who just smiles.
Danif Rap
I think I love you.
Zack punches Chris Toh right in his chin.
Jane Willow
Is that true or some bullshit?
Chris Toh grabs Zack by his right arm and starts to twist it, threatening to break it.
Danif Rap
It’s true.
Zack twists around enough to get out.
Danif Rap
I think I’m sorry.
Zack attempts to punch Chris Toh in the head, but misses.
Jane Willow
Alright then, what the hell happened earlier?
Chris Toh punches Zack right in the nose.
Jane Willow
I don’t want to have these goddamn arguments anymore.
Chris Toh knees Zack right in the chest.
Jane Willow
And I sure as hell want to end it.
Chris Toh slams Zack’s head on the concrete.
Jane Willow
…So?
Zack gets up.
Danif Rap
I try real hard.
Zack throws a punch at Chris Toh.
Danif Rap
I don’t know what to do at times, but I have good intent.
He hits.
Danif Rap
I don’t want to try, because I don’t want to fail you.
Zack gives Chris Toh an uppercut.
Danif Rap
Don’t you see that? I’m getting worked up over you, and not failing you. All this shit started cause you wanted me, you put so much pressure I mean that I fucked up!
Zack punches Chris Toh right in his fucking nuts.
Jane Willow
Ugh.
Chris Toh grabs Zack by the neck.
Jane Willow
You want to get this over with, don’t you?
Chris Toh slams Zack into a car.
Jane Willow
Just give it to me or let’s forget this.
Danif Rap
I-
Another slam.
Danif Rap
I’m not sure what to say.
Jane Willow
And that’s that.
A final slam, Zack drops to the ground.
Danif rushes out of the room.
CUT TO
INT. MAUL’S MALL
Zack and Danif run into eachother, smacking one another to the floor.
Both
FUCK!
CUT TO
INT. COFFEE SHOP
Danif and Zack sit across from eachother.
Zack Woody
He is fucking mad! I sweat, he’s going to burn the store down!
Danif Rap
Did you really fight him?
Zack Woody
I tried.
Danif Rap
Christ. I thought you were smarter then that!
Zack Woody
Coming from the guy who tried to pull the blame game on Jane when it’s your fault in the first place.
Danif Rap
Oh, piss off.
Zack Woody
We need spiritual guidance.
Danif Rap
Jesus ditched us.
Zack Woody
What about-
Danif Rap
Fone fucking sucks.
Zack Woody
Well… Goddamnit.
Jesus Christ
Guys.
Jesus appears in a flash, then takes a seat next to them.
Danif Rap
Jesus!
Jesus Christ
Calm down. Alright, listen because I’m going to only tell you once: the answer is inside of you.
Danif Rap
That doesn’t help.
Jesus Christ
No. It’s literally inside of you, there should be a tab that will give you the answers, located in each other’s stomachs.
Zack Woody
Like in Saw and shit?
Jesus Christ
Yes. Exactly like fucking Saw.
Danif Rap
I call bullshit.
Jesus Christ
Fine.
Zack Woody
Oh thank god.
Jesus Christ
No. Thank m-… you know what? Fuck it. No more puns.
Danif Rap
Good.
Jesus Christ
No more dicking around either, it’s about time I give you some advice.
Zack Woody
Finally.
Jesus Christ
You have two options: let me go on for hours or do a awesome musical number.
Zack Woody
Musicals are gay.
Danif Rap
Wait… what?
Jesus Christ
Gotta choose.
Danif looks down.
Danif Rap (Singing)
We have to do something…
Do something…
Zack Woody
Oh fuck.
Jesus Christ (Singing)
You guys have to do something
Do something…
Zack Woody
I wont fucking sing anything…
Zack looks down.
Zack Woody (Singing)
Sing anything…
CUT TO
INT. MAUL’S MALL
Zack and Danif sprint through the mall, the further they go along the more people begin to dance in the background.
Danif Rap (Singing)
We’ve got to do something!
Zack Woody (Singing)
I don’t want to sing anything.
Danif Rap (Singing)
Oh… well with me and Jane in a mess-
Zack Woody (Singing)
This is going to be a real fuckfest!
Danif Rap (Singing)
And in 2 hours Chris Toh will burn the place to the ground-
Zack Woody (Singing)
-he’ll probably give my ass a pound!
Danif Rap (Singing)
Then we’ve got to do something!
Zack Woody (Singing)
We’ve got to do something!
Danif & Zack (Singing)
SOMETHING QUICK!
CUT TO
INT. ICE CREAM SHOP
Mr. Balladeer jumps from over the counter as Danif and Zack enter.
Mr. Balladeer (Singing)
Alright boys!
No more moping around while you play with sex toys!
Zack blushes.
Mr. Balladeer (Singing)
You’ve got to grow some balls
And remember what we learn from our falls
“To pick ourselves up” as Alfred would say
And you’ll do just that today!
Danif Rap (Singing)
We’ve got to do something!
Do something!
Zack Woody (Singing)
SOMETHING QUICK!
CUT TO
INT. COMIC SHOP
A moody Jane sits behind the counter.
Jane Willow (Singing)
I want Danif
Oh, I want Danif!
Damnit! Danif! I love you!
Cookie for anyone who catches that reference.
CUT TO
EXT. MAUL’S MALL
Chris Toh has a gasoline tank in one hand and a lighter in the other.
Chris Toh (Singing)
I’m gonna burn it to the ground
Then I’ll give Zack’s ass a pound!
As for his bitch boy Danif,
That saddest little fuck on the planet,
I’m gonna spread apart his asscheeks
And go at him until he squeaks,
Like a fucking chipmunk
Or Ashton Kutcher’s career after Punked!
CUT TO
INT. GUITAR SHOP
The music cuts out and it becomes very much like Deathmetal as they approach Fone.
Fone (Singing)
You
Will
Fucking
Murder
THEM ALL!
The room bursts with red flashing lights as Dethklok appears behind the counter. The front man Brendan Smalls grabs a mic.
Brandon Smalls (Singing)
You fucking
Fucking pussies
Grow
Grow the
The fuck up!
FUCKING BABIES!
CUT TO
EXT. MAUL’S MALL
Danif and Zack do elaborate dance numbers.
Danif Rap (Singing)
We’ve got to do something!
Zack Woody (Singing)
Something quick!
Danif Rap (Singing)
Something swift!
Zack Woody (Singing)
Do something
Oh yeah
Do something quick
All this singing is making me sick!
Danif Rap (Singing)
Then best do something quick!
I gotta get back with Jane,
And make it right,
I can’t treat her like any dame!
But that’ll all end tonight!
Zack Woody (Singing)
I best do something quick!
I gotta rid myself of these crabs,
And make my balls right,
I don’t want to be someone’s Dads,
But that’ll all end tonight!
Danif & Zack (Singing)
Do something
Do something quick
Rid ourselves of Chris Toh
That faggot of a foe!
Get things with Jane right
Because that’s one bumpy flight!
Oh fuck, we’ve been singing far too long
Are lyrics are getting shitter, let’s end this fucking song!
Do something
Do something
Do something
Danif (Singing)
Do something quick
Zack (Singing)
Do it real fucking quick!
Danif & Zack (Singing)
We’ve got to do something
DO SOMETHING
They stop and go into a near freeze-frame state.
Danif & Zack (Singing)
NOW!
CUT TO
INT. COMIC SHOP
Jane slouches behind the counter. The doorbell rings and she looks up.
Chris Toh
Who you?
Jane Willow
Don’t you mean “who are you?”
Chris Toh
Whatever.
Jane Willow
I’m Jane Willow, I work here.
Chris Toh
Heh. I see about that.
Chris Toh dumps the gasoline on the floor. Jane begins to freak out.
Jane Willow
What the fuck are you doing!?!?
Chris Toh begins to do an incredibly sinister laugh as he drops the match.
CUT TO
INT. MAUL’S MALL
Zack and Danif are now running like mad.
Danif Rap
Shit, shit, shit, shit! It’s past 6!
Zack Woody
We really shouldn’t have wasted all our time on that musical number!
Danif Rap
Oh fuck!
Zack Woody
What?
Danif Rap
Jane is in the fucking store!
Zack Woody
Goddamn, this is one wacky game show!
CUT TO
INT. COMIC SHOP
Danif and Zack look from the outside as the Comic Shop is up in flames. Danif tries to open the door but burns his hand.
Danif Rap
FUCK!
Danif starts to smash the large window on the store, it creates massive cracks. Eventually it smashes into thousands of pieces. He can’t see what’s going on in there due to a large thick black smoke so he cups his mouth with one hand and runs into the madness. He looks around for moments before he lets go.
Danif Rap
JANE!
Jane Willow
DANIF!
Danif moves around the counter which is covered in flames, behind it is Jane who is curled up into a ball. Danif quickly pulls her up, she hangs onto him by his back as rushes through the smoke and out of the shop into the safety of the mall.
INT. MAUL’S MALL
Danif lays Jane softly on the ground and holds her hand tightly, looking at her.
Danif Rap
It’s going to be a-okay, alright?
Jane Willow
Eh…
Danif Rap
Huh?
Jane Willow
The last time you told me that…
Danif Rap
I know, I know. But it’s different: I’ve learned my lesson.
Jane Willow
How?
Danif Rap
It was long but it involved me chatting with Jesus and doing an elaborate dance number.
Jane Willow
What the fuck have you been smoking?
Danif laughs.
Danif Rap
I’m going to have sex with you tonight, I promise.
Jane Willow
What?
Danif Rap
Whatever will make you happy.
Jane Willow
Tonight… I want to sleep and forget this.
Danif Rap
With me?
Jane Willow
Yes.
Danif Rap
That’s good.
Jane Willow
I’m glad I survived.
Danif Rap
Me two.
Jane Willow
I didn’t want to look like Freddy Krueger for the rest of my life.
Danif Rap
I’d still be with you if you looked like Krueger.
Jane Willow
Englund or Haley?
Danif Rap
Englund. He at least had charm.
Jane Willow
Look at this, you just pulled me out of a fucking burning store and we’re having a laugh. You’re the only person that could that to me.
Danif Rap
Me two.
Danif leans in for a kiss, it’s short but sweet. When it ends, they take another look at eachother.
CUT TO
EXT. MAUL’S MALL
Chris Toh is walking to his car, leaning on the hood is Zack.
Chris Toh
What the fuck this be?
Zack Woody
No one gives a shit about your books.
Chris Toh
What?
Zack Woody
You think you’re a badass who can take anyone out. You think you’re the smartest person in the funkie bunch, don’t ya?
Chris Toh
I is.
Zack Woody
Listen you smartass, I ain’t no writer. I can’t write these complex stories but that gives you no right to act like you do. You’re dealing with a fucking teenager, why bother arguing back? It’s pointless. Everyone thinks you’re a massive cock and you crossed the line. Everything before hand was child’s play, but this is fucking serious.
Chris Toh
Fuck you.
Zack Woody
It’s taking me every ounce of effort to resist fucking your mouth with her knuckles right now but damnit I won’t. Unlike you’re fucking dumbass, I’m going to end this argument.
Chris Toh
Backing down bitch boy?
Zack Woody
Call it that. Or call it that I have more fucking sense then you. Oh by the way, your books were in the back of the shop. Stock came in a few hours ago apparently, but you know, if someone hadn’t burnt the fucking place down maybe you’d still have a shot or whatever.
Chris Toh
Leave me fucker.
Zack Woody
Right, bye.
Zack begins to walk off but stops then turns around to look at Chris Toh.
Zack Woody
By the way, I hope you like your new pets.
Chris Toh
What?
Zack goes off.
CUT TO
INT. CHRIS TOH’S CAR
Chris Toh takes a seat and straps in his seatbelt. He begins to act funny then looks down where he seat: there is a mound of blonde pubic hairs. Chris Toh begins to jump around.
Chris Toh
WHAT THE FUCK!?!?
CUT TO
INT. COMIC SHOP
The fire has died down, but the place is mostly burnt. Zack stands behind the blackened counter as a Customer approaches him.
Zack Woody
What do you want?
Customer #7
You see, I have a reincarnation of Jesus Christ and I demand you to give me all your comics!
Jesus walks in.
Jesus Christ
What the fuck is this?
The customer runs off. Jesus approaches the counter.
Jesus Christ
You still working the register at this place?
Zack Woody
Yeah.
Jesus Christ
It closed already right?
Zack Woody
There was also a fire.
Jesus Christ
No shit. I’m nervous around all this fire and brimstone shit, makes me feel like I’m gonna get a spanking from Dad.
Zack Woody
Yeah. Just wanted to have one last moment here.
Jesus Christ
The getting rid of the place?
Zack Woody
Yes.
Jesus Christ
Shit. Where will you go after that?
Zack Woody
Not sure.
Jesus Christ
That sucks. Maybe you’ll get another comic shop?
Zack Woody
Only time and a sequel will tell.
Jesus Christ
Anyways, I best be going. You know, you guys did good in the end.
Zack Woody
Really?
Jesus Christ
Yes.
Zack Woody
Cool.
Zack and Jesus shake hands.
CUT TO
INT. MAUL’S MALL
Danif and Zack take a final stroll through the place.
Danif Rap
God, the memories.
Zack Woody
Yeah. Remember that time when I stole a Bible from Walden Books?
Danif Rap
Didn’t you tell them that you didn’t want to pay eight bucks for salvation?
Zack Woody
Yeah.
Danif Rap
Remember the night we saw The Dark Knight at the local Cine-Plex?
Zack Woody
Yeah. That was amazing, I had a boner the entire time.
Danif Rap
Me two.
Zack Woody
Really?
Danif Rap
Yeah.
Zack Woody
I knew you didn’t buy a Jumbo popcorn bucket.
Danif Rap
How many times did you get laid in this mall?
Zack Woody
Four.
Danif Rap
Shit.
Zack Woody
Yeah. The first time was with that chick who looked like Pinhead in the back of Hot Topic.
Danif Rap
Wow.
Zack Woody
She hit the wall so hard at one point a Jack Skellington statue fell in the store and hit this skinny emo kid in the head, knocked the fucker out stone cold.
Danif Rap
That’s crazy.
Zack Woody
Then the second was with Randy Andy’s girlfriend in the comic shop, that was weird. Then the third was with these Sears chick, she was selling clothes for half off. It was half off alright, the bottom half. Then the fourth was with Karma, fucking bitch.
Danif Rap
Did you ever get rid of your crabs?
Zack Woody
Yeah. I did.
Danif Rap
How?
Zack Woody
I gave them to someone else.
Danif Rap
Ewww.
Zack Woody
God. I’m gonna miss this place.
Danif Rap
You can still come here you know even if you don’t work here.
Zack Woody
Actually I’ve been banned from the Mall.
Danif Rap
Really?
Zack Woody
Yeah. I got in a fight in the parking lot with Chris Toh.
Danif Rap
What did you do with him?
Zack Woody
Already told you, gave them to someone else.
Danif Rap
Huh? Whatever.
Zack Woody
So, you gonna get a new shop?
Danif Rap
I have my eyes on one.
Zack Woody
Cool, cool. Where is Jane?
Danif Rap
Waiting.
Zack Woody
Alright then, I better get the fuck out of this place.
Danif Rap
Alright then.
Zack and Danif stop and turn to eachother.
Zack Woody
I’m gonna do something really stupid, promise to not call me gay?
Danif Rap
No.
Zack Woody
Here it goes anyway.
Zack gives Danif a small hug then backs away.
Danif Rap
Did you have a boner?
Zack Woody
FUCK YOU!
Zack begins his walk away, Danif just watches.
CUT TO
EXT. MAUL’S MALL
Danif and Jane begin the walk, holding each other’s hands.
Jane Willow
Do you remember the last time we did this?
Danif Rap
Yeah.
Jane Willow
I want it to stay like this.
Danif Rap
Me two. I’m truly ready.
Jane Willow
Are you sure?
Danif Rap
Huh?
CUT TO
INT. JANE’S BEDROOM
The room is fairly plain, but the floor is covered in a assortment of clothing from Doomsday Clock shirt to jeans. Covered by blankets is a nude Jane and Danif.
Danif Rap
That was…
Jane Willow
Good?
Danif Rap
You know the part in Dark Knight where The Joker realizes the boats won’t blow eachother up?
Jane Willow
Yeah.
Danif Rap
That’s how I feel.
Jane Willow
That you expected something to work perfectly as you had planned but to see it go up in smokes meaning that you must do the work yourself?
Danif Rap
Uh… no. I meant that face.
Jane Willow
With the makeup?
Danif Rap
You know what I’m trying to say.
Jane Willow
Ha. Yeah, I know, just teasing with you.
Danif Rap
It’s… it’s… I don’t know. I can’t think straight!
Jane Willow
You must be happy.
Danif Rap
It’s like this: right here, beside you. This is exactly what I’ve wanted.
Jane Willow
Exactly.
Danif Rap
I want to just rest with you.
Jane Willow
Build up energy for later?
Danif Rap
I’m not thinking about later. I’m thinking about now.
Jane looks at him and smiles, she rests her head on his chest as he strokes her hair.
Danif Rap
Nothing could be better then this.
FADE OUT TO BLACK
Fin.
