Dangerous People (Pilot)

[Dale]

Hey, I'm new here and I'm submitting a Pilot to see if it'll get picked up. It's a 30-minute drama. The cast list is on the final page. You can download it in .pdf from the link, thank you for taking the time. I really like the board.

It's titled: "Dangerous People"
Again, 30-Minute Drama/Comedy (Like 'Weeds')
Cast list on final page.
Download in .pdf from the link below.
www.4shared.com/file/149813432/d3e0617a/DP_online.html

[jeremybentham]

I hope you all like it. I had the idea for awhile. Please download and let me know what you think -- whether its shit or not.

STARRING

NINA DOBREV as ASHLEY KING
ELIZABETH MITCHELL as STACIE ANDREWS
TATE DONOVAN as DANIEL HAMILTON
LAURA LEIGHTON as KRISTEN HAMILTON
SOPHIA BUSH as RACHEL STEVENS
PAUL WESLEY as DAVID PETERS
DANNEEL HARRIS as VIOLET HAMILTON
JOSH HENDERSON as RYAN ANDREWS

SPECIAL GUEST STAR
GLENN CLOSE as WOMAN/ASHLEY'S MOTHER

PLOT The 4 Months leading up to a Murder begin as the story is told Backwards, and three teens murder someone they know...

[Dale]

Sorry it took so long to get to this. Just been trying to find some time.

First of all, it started very well with a strong little teaser. The description and action was very well written, painted a nice picture and there was a good amount of tension created out of it.

In the earlier scenes, the dialogue seemed a tad ropey. In the scene with David and Ashley at the restaurant, it felt very wooden and stilted. I’m not sure if you were trying to show something between the couple but it didn’t really have much life. And I felt Ashley’s reaction was a little overboard, and kinda bitchy.

The follow up scene with Stacie and Kirsten improved upon the dialogue somewhat, but I felt there were little moments that betrayed the characters that were speaking. Like Kristen, in a room full of important people, she utters the word “retarded”. It jumped out at me as something a teenager might say, not a woman in her 40’s.

The dialogue gradually improved as we went along. It was never bad, just “there”.

Storytelling wise, I question showing upfront David with Ashley’s body. I get the feeling there will be some kind of swerve at some point. But still, as soon as he walked out of the restaurant, the viewer/reader can pretty much line him up as first suspect. So I don’t think it came off as dramatic as you intended.

The scene with Violet and Ryan was my favourite of the show. It was creepy, it was funny. It was dramatic. It was good deal of things and it worked well. Although, I think there was a scene earlier were Violet had dry blood on her hands ... first instinct is that it’s from the hit and run victim. But I don’t remember her getting out of the car. So, one has to wonder if it has something to do with the opening. And if it does, it was far more effectively done than the little interlude with David.

The scene with Rachel was effective. Maybe revealed to much, I’m not sure. But it was well written nevertheless.

The scene with Kristen and Stacie in the Limo was an interesting one. Sets up a nice interesting arc I feel.

I think the guilt that you tried to display later on with Violet and Ashley didn’t really play out the way you wanted. Because it hadn’t been displayed enough earlier on that it didn’t seem as effective. I mean both Violet and Ashley were so “torn” up over it they had wild passionate sex with their respective partners ... if only all of us could deal with guilt in such a way.

The most out of place scene in the entire thing must have been the one with Daniel and Violet. Obviously it creates some questions that may or may not intrigue the reader/viewer for later episodes. For me, I think Daniel’s change in attitude after seeing her happened a little too quickly. I would have probably opted to drag it out more. Ryan nearly catching him in the act though was a nice way to end the scene.

The final moments where again, well written and effective; you’d created a nice little “whodunit?” deal throughout the episode, and as per usual it’s the person who was teased the least. But it makes perfect sense.

I brought up a few negative points during the review, but honestly I enjoyed what was presented here. I wonder where you go from now, obviously Ashley’s murder was the focal point of this episode, but after that where do you go? I don’t know, but I want to find out.

Consider Dangerous People accepted sir.

[jeremybentham]

I'm glad you read it, I hope others will soon also.

The dialogue and other things, I will say, were written fairly quickly. I try to slow it down but when I write I never quite go 'slow' through the process. Although the dialogue of Kristen saying "retarded" was kind of intentional to show that her as a 40 year old woman would actually talk like a teenager in the middle of this room. To show her kind of character and behavior.


And technically, I showed David in the blood soaked hallway with a bloody handprint on his shirt. He wasn't with the body. As of that then.

I have everything involving 'that' night played out. And now plan to just pick and chose little moments that will make you question what you've been shown. I'm glad you could ultimately enjoy the Pilot.

I plan to have this season span 8 or 9 episodes. Particularly ending the season with a very open-and-shot ending that depending on response could result in another season, basically with the same "flash-forwards" format. Many other things happened 'that' night, and many more things will be shown

I'm happy to be picked up and I'm off to write what's next. If anyone else read, please share your thoughts no matter what they are.

[larah]

i really enjoyed it. to be honest the dialog didn't bother me, some character interactions feel a bit odd (Violet and Ashely's way to deal with pain hehe) but all in all an engaging story. look forward to more.

[jeremybentham]

Thanks. Different things like dealing with pain, I could go into more and tell you why -- but it would spoil too much hehe. And since it's just 9 episodes, you know. I'm glad you liked it though! Thanks for reading.