Post by T-Mac on Aug 14, 2009 6:36:06 GMT -5
Okay, this is a little something I've been cooking up for a while. It's me writing in-character. The character's name is Dallas, and I plan to write as him as often as possible. Consider him my alter-ago, because his story is very similar to mine.
I'm pretty open with you guys, so I want to let you know that I have a lot of baggage. Some baggage I've kept, and will continue to keep in the dark. Some I am willing to share, like my ill health or inability to stay faithful in a relationship.
Dallas releases a lot of shit that I have. While most of it is me, I have opened my creative brain to let in some other ideas for Dallas. The largest example being that I, Tom Macdonald, am not a religious man - but Dallas falls back on his faith; and God often.
Enough of me rambling... here's Dallas's first "diary", entitled Regret.
A lot of people say they don't have regrets, they don't believe in them. I've said this many many times, and I thought that living my life as if every day was the last would eliminate the possibility of regrets. But now, I get it. I get that regrets aren't the difference between choosing to drive or to drink - they're not spending all your money on something stupid.
I always thought that if you were stupid enough to make the wrong decision, you have to take responsibility for those actions and accept the consequences, whatever that may be. I thought because of that theory, regrets would never apply to me. Life only goes around once, but it's a long time, and because I believe in forgiveness above all else, I couldn't imagine a situation or time in my life that couldn't be forgiven... where I would actually live to regret a decision that I couldn't make right.
But now I understand what regret is. It's not little decisions, and it's not big decisions - it's life changing choices that form or destroy your identity and your world. Regret is being someone you don't want to be. Hurting the person you love the most.
These are the things that you look back on and say, not only did I make the wrong decision, but I made the worst decision that was humanly possible for me to make. That's what regret is. Regret is looking at your life, hating it, and realizing there were key moments, choices, situations, that you chose the definitive worst path for your life to take.
I have always believed you must be responsible for your actions, so I will live with my regrets - though I don't have a choice. What I have trouble with is the fact that regret will live with you forever. It will constantly be an extra weight added to your life that you will have to carry around with you for the rest of your life. I feel like I have enough baggage, enough extra weight, and I've just added more weight than any person can carry.
Being responsible for your actions and accepting consequences is the right thing to do. I have nobody to blame but myself for my actions, my decisions, my words and my problems. So you take on the weight, you tuck it under your arm and you keep trying to swim. The waves are crashing down on you, and it's already hard enough to breath, but now there's this weight, that you can't let go, dragging you under the surf. Drowning is the worst way to die... emotionally drowning is the worst way to live.
Will there ever be a time that I can safely let go of the weight? Is there a time when I can look at my life and say I made the wrong decision, but it worked out for the best? I doubt it. I believe in God and I believe that he does things to test us. To see how strong we are. To see what we are made of. He wants us to prove to him, and to ourselves, that we are strong, and that through the darkest night we can still have hope.
But even though God forgives all, people don't. People don't forgive themselves, and there are things that are unforgivable, even to the most forgiving of people. I think that's my problem. I have trouble believing that God can forgive me for my sins, my behavior. But I have even more trouble believing that I can ever forgive myself for causing my world to fall apart, and for causing pain and heartache to the lives of others. How can I ever forgive myself if God may not forgive me? How can I ever be forgiven if I would not forgive myself?
It's for these reasons that make me believe regret is eternal. That no matter how many lives we save, good we do, there will always be one thing - one single regret that holds you back forever.
When you're fighting for survival, emotionally, and more obstacles pile up you are faced with another choice. This one, though less obvious, is more important than the first. In the first choice I chose, though never consciously, to sin, to hurt and it lead me here. But now the choice must be consciously made.
The choices are simple to those who struggle and those who bleed. You stay, you go forward, or you quit. If you stay, the problems continue to pile up. You never recover, you never let go of the regret and your life stalls in a permanent status of regret.
If you go forward, you give yourself the chance of forgiving yourself, but there may never be a time when all is forgiven or forgotten by those around you. If you go forward, you may be able to lose the regret and to be happy again, but it's a long journey, and for those who have already been on one of those "long journeys" for many years, all the strength and hope in the world doesn't make it seem easier. It's a hard, hard road. It's the most daunting thing to look at. The highest mountain, while your at the lowest part of earth.
The third choice is the hardest to make, but the easiest to want. If you quit the game you make the decision in your heart and mind that your life has served its purpose and that those around you - those who know you and those who don't are better off without your presence.
With this choice you give no one the chance to forgive you... ever. The regret lives on, not through yourself, but in the emotions and lives of others.
If I cannot forgive myself, and those around me cannot forgive me... but God can... what's keeping me from being with God? What's stopping me from quitting the game and allowing God to forgive me, and leave the regret behind?
In a word, the answer is hope.
Hope is the only thing that keeps us going. Hope remains when all strength is drained. The hope that maybe one day happiness can resume... or at least become a possibility.
I'm pretty open with you guys, so I want to let you know that I have a lot of baggage. Some baggage I've kept, and will continue to keep in the dark. Some I am willing to share, like my ill health or inability to stay faithful in a relationship.
Dallas releases a lot of shit that I have. While most of it is me, I have opened my creative brain to let in some other ideas for Dallas. The largest example being that I, Tom Macdonald, am not a religious man - but Dallas falls back on his faith; and God often.
Enough of me rambling... here's Dallas's first "diary", entitled Regret.
REGRET
The Dallas Diaries #1
The Dallas Diaries #1
A lot of people say they don't have regrets, they don't believe in them. I've said this many many times, and I thought that living my life as if every day was the last would eliminate the possibility of regrets. But now, I get it. I get that regrets aren't the difference between choosing to drive or to drink - they're not spending all your money on something stupid.
I always thought that if you were stupid enough to make the wrong decision, you have to take responsibility for those actions and accept the consequences, whatever that may be. I thought because of that theory, regrets would never apply to me. Life only goes around once, but it's a long time, and because I believe in forgiveness above all else, I couldn't imagine a situation or time in my life that couldn't be forgiven... where I would actually live to regret a decision that I couldn't make right.
But now I understand what regret is. It's not little decisions, and it's not big decisions - it's life changing choices that form or destroy your identity and your world. Regret is being someone you don't want to be. Hurting the person you love the most.
These are the things that you look back on and say, not only did I make the wrong decision, but I made the worst decision that was humanly possible for me to make. That's what regret is. Regret is looking at your life, hating it, and realizing there were key moments, choices, situations, that you chose the definitive worst path for your life to take.
I have always believed you must be responsible for your actions, so I will live with my regrets - though I don't have a choice. What I have trouble with is the fact that regret will live with you forever. It will constantly be an extra weight added to your life that you will have to carry around with you for the rest of your life. I feel like I have enough baggage, enough extra weight, and I've just added more weight than any person can carry.
Being responsible for your actions and accepting consequences is the right thing to do. I have nobody to blame but myself for my actions, my decisions, my words and my problems. So you take on the weight, you tuck it under your arm and you keep trying to swim. The waves are crashing down on you, and it's already hard enough to breath, but now there's this weight, that you can't let go, dragging you under the surf. Drowning is the worst way to die... emotionally drowning is the worst way to live.
Will there ever be a time that I can safely let go of the weight? Is there a time when I can look at my life and say I made the wrong decision, but it worked out for the best? I doubt it. I believe in God and I believe that he does things to test us. To see how strong we are. To see what we are made of. He wants us to prove to him, and to ourselves, that we are strong, and that through the darkest night we can still have hope.
But even though God forgives all, people don't. People don't forgive themselves, and there are things that are unforgivable, even to the most forgiving of people. I think that's my problem. I have trouble believing that God can forgive me for my sins, my behavior. But I have even more trouble believing that I can ever forgive myself for causing my world to fall apart, and for causing pain and heartache to the lives of others. How can I ever forgive myself if God may not forgive me? How can I ever be forgiven if I would not forgive myself?
It's for these reasons that make me believe regret is eternal. That no matter how many lives we save, good we do, there will always be one thing - one single regret that holds you back forever.
When you're fighting for survival, emotionally, and more obstacles pile up you are faced with another choice. This one, though less obvious, is more important than the first. In the first choice I chose, though never consciously, to sin, to hurt and it lead me here. But now the choice must be consciously made.
The choices are simple to those who struggle and those who bleed. You stay, you go forward, or you quit. If you stay, the problems continue to pile up. You never recover, you never let go of the regret and your life stalls in a permanent status of regret.
If you go forward, you give yourself the chance of forgiving yourself, but there may never be a time when all is forgiven or forgotten by those around you. If you go forward, you may be able to lose the regret and to be happy again, but it's a long journey, and for those who have already been on one of those "long journeys" for many years, all the strength and hope in the world doesn't make it seem easier. It's a hard, hard road. It's the most daunting thing to look at. The highest mountain, while your at the lowest part of earth.
The third choice is the hardest to make, but the easiest to want. If you quit the game you make the decision in your heart and mind that your life has served its purpose and that those around you - those who know you and those who don't are better off without your presence.
With this choice you give no one the chance to forgive you... ever. The regret lives on, not through yourself, but in the emotions and lives of others.
If I cannot forgive myself, and those around me cannot forgive me... but God can... what's keeping me from being with God? What's stopping me from quitting the game and allowing God to forgive me, and leave the regret behind?
In a word, the answer is hope.
Hope is the only thing that keeps us going. Hope remains when all strength is drained. The hope that maybe one day happiness can resume... or at least become a possibility.
