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Post by codychot on Nov 11, 2007 22:49:02 GMT -5
He had discharged a knife from his left pocket, and searched with his big black widened eyes for his next victim. He had spotted a boy about 10 or 11 years old with his parents. The man took the boys parents and slaughtered them, then took the boy by his shoulders and shoved a knife, full force into his back. Suddenly, a dreadful silence fell over everyone in the park. No one dared make a move. The boy fell to the ground in agony with blood seeming out of his back.
Amusement Park
January 11 2008
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Post by ziggy27 on Nov 11, 2007 23:20:16 GMT -5
to be honest it's way way way too blunt. Theres no suspense and therefore it does'nt set nerves on edge. You made it look like slaughtering the boy's parents is easy as zipping up your jacket
"went out the door, slaughtered a kids parents, got the mail and went back in"
I only mean this as constructive criticism though because i really like the idea of your movie
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Post by codychot on Nov 12, 2007 8:51:20 GMT -5
Thank you.
But let me just remind you this isnt the whole scene. Its just a part from the scene.
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Post by Xplayadam on Nov 12, 2007 15:00:59 GMT -5
I dont really like the story but that is just me...
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Post by moonprince on Nov 13, 2007 20:50:10 GMT -5
I agree with ziggy 27, this is only constructive criticism. That isn't scary/suspensful/disturbing at all, some description would REALLY spice it up a bit. Stabbing her in the stomach he pulled the mother up, cutting open her whole stomach. By the time all of her insides had splattered on the gorund he had already gotten hold of the father.Like that (but add more description for the father) Hope this helped  |
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Post by penno on Nov 14, 2007 2:01:41 GMT -5
Hoooray, someone getting bagged out not by me!
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