The Devil Is A F**ker

[Xplayadam]

Axis Pictures Presents...

INT. ALLEYWAY
It’s an alleyway, a dirty one too. Trash clutters the path, newspapers rattle about. Torn papers advertising punk rock shows and ghetto bars hang about. It’s all highlighted by the mist of rain that accents everything, creating a sense of “no one gives a damn about any of this“. There is this bum laying against a dumpster, rat-bites in his stained hoodie, a thick beard that points into a million directs and eyes with a purple tint around the white. He grunts as he constantly adjusts himself, trying to get comfortable. Lighting strikes and he jumps up onto his feet and looks around: paranoid as can be. But he has reason.

Voice
“There is nothing to fear but fear itself”.

The bum looks around, putting his right hand into his hoodie’s pocket, whipping out a small jagged knife and pointing it forward.

Voice
Horseshit, right? Presidents got to talk I guess. Except the dead ones.

Now he turns around and starts swiping at the air and he’s either crying or it’s raining harder.

Voice
Don’t worry guy, I’m not here to hurt you. Just to help out a fellow loner.

The voice emerges from the shadow of a broken-down car in the distance. He wears a dusty pin-striped suit (thick black with thin red lines), a gray bowtie and clean dance shoes. The matching fedora is tipped down as to obscure his voice, he takes a few steps toward the bum who points his knife right at him.

Voice
Calm down goddamnit.

The bum lowers his weapon, and just stares at him. The voice nods in approval and reaches into his pockets.

Voice
Don’t worry guy, this should take the pain away.

He hands the bum the contents of his pockets, startling the bum as his knife is now gone and is replaced with a loaded crack-pipe and a lighter. The bum just stares at the voice.

Voice
I want you to feel good. Go ahead, take it.

And with that, the bum lights up and smokes some crack. It seems to calm him, his body language goes slack.

Voice
I um, noticed that you got some rat-bites in your hoodie, you know rats were the cause of the black plague way back when. Those vermin can carry all sorts of wild venomous things, best keep away from them.

The bum smiles wide, revealing nasty yellow teeth, he seems both pleased with his new friend and the crack in his system.

Voice
That’s why I put rat poison in the crack.

Suddenly the bums’ new-found smile begins to fall into a horrified frown. The white goes out of his eyes and he falls backwards where we can hear all his bones shattering, leaving only a fleshy mess in ragged clothing. The voice takes off his fedora and drops it on the bum. All the bum’s flesh begins to absorb into the fedora. The voice picks it up and puts it on, lighting strikes and for a moment we can see the Voice’s skull face as flesh morphs onto it, making a proper face. Then the lighting is done and he’s gone.

INT. STRIP BAR
A red tint encompasses the room, it’s a nice set up for a nudie bar. The bar itself has a strong tall Mexican man with nice hair mixing drinks with such speed and flash you’d expect a rainbow aurora around him. There’s an old man who sits at the bar ordering drink after drink, getting more aggressively drunk and slapping anyone’s ass that walks by, shouting “Did I do that?” every time. On the other side is a series of tables where both classy men and classy women eat half-way decent looking food. At one of the tables is a lone man in a white suit, everything is white expect his black bowtie. He’s older looking, with short white bed-head hair and a gruff to him. A women in a black corset and a silk red thong with pale skin and a bubble ass walks toward him.

Waitress
Can I help you sir?

Mike
Name is Mike. Pleased to meet you.

Mike extends his hand to her, she smiles and they shake.

Waitress
Pleased to meet you, Mike. So, how can I help you?

Mike
Well um, you see that stage over there?

Mike extends his pinky finger toward the blank stage that highlights the entire room.

Waitress
Yeah. What about it?

Mike
Isn’t there suppose to be some girl, half as lovely as you, up there performing some erotic arts for my viewing pleasure?

Waitress
Oh, that starts at 7.

Mike
This sure is one classy-ass place. Words intended.

Mike chuckles. The Waitress just grins some sort of fake grin. They bask in the awkward silence.

Waitress
Can I get you a drink?

Mike
No thanks sweetheart, I’ll wet my appetite later.

Waitress
Um… all right, cool.

The Waitress walks off, Mike stares at her ass for a bit then puts his eyes back on the table. Mike blankly looks at his blank table, he begins to drool into his empty cup for an extended period of time. The DJ blabbers something over the speakers. Mike looks up to see the woman on stage, wearing a black bra and booty shorts with thigh-high stockings, bright red hair and red lips, all a stark contrast to her paleness. The sign behind her reads: “LUCY ON THE GROUND WITH -”, the rest is hard to read but just seems filthy. The lights closes in on her and she begins. “All Stripped Down” by Tom Waits plays. Lucy starts by rubbing her pinky fingers around her respective eyes, as she pushes her chest out, creating both some sort of mask and the illusion of abnormally sized breasts. Within a second, Lucy flings her arms far from her face and pushes her chest back further then normal stance, she smiles devilishly at the audience. Mike licks his lips, the Waitress makes a pass by him, he pinches her ass.

Waitress
(Startled)
Can I fucking help you?

Mike
Who is that lovely, lovely… bitch?

Lucy places her pinky fingers on each respective hip, pushing in her skin just a bit, then runs them down from her visible hip bone to her ankles while she bends over, also pucking her lips forward and widening her eyes, creating yet another illusion. This time it’s that her face is smaller then normal, and it’s reaching right at the crowd. Mike laughs and looks at the Waitress who appears to be entranced by this.

Mike
Don’t you see this shit every night?

Waitress
She’s never been quite this… mesmerizing. It’s like she’s got the devil in her.

Mike
Not yet.

Mike lifts his drinking glass, the spit has been replaced with whiskey, he downs it. Once again, in a quick second Lucy manages to compose herself back to normal. She takes a few steps to turn around then cups her butt cheeks, tapping her fingers one by one, getting faster and faster. Lucy then lifts her left leg up and bends it as to cover her hand covering her left cheek. She turns her head to look at the ground then synchronizes a violent blink with slamming her left foot down, causing a stomp that echoes in the whole place, he hand is no longer there, in fact it appears to be missing entirely. Lucy then shifts her body around to reveal where her hands have been: crudely simulating intercourse in the childish fashion of creating an open fist while the middle finger from the other hand slams itself into said hole repetitively. She giggles.

Waitress
This is weird.

Mike
Crazy talk, I think it’s charming.

Mike looks up at the Waitress seductively, she looks slightly disgusted and leaves. Mike just shrugs and reverts his eyes to the stage. Lucy is now randomly rubbing her hands all over her body, groping herself in every place possible, at one point it would appear that her bra has disappeared. She cups her breasts, winks at the crowd and turns around to smack her ass.

Mike
What an awesome tease.

Lucy looks over her shoulder, grins at the crowd and then disappears into the curtain. It’s clear that the crowd has been left aghast, the older drunk has pissed himself and is trying to pick a fight with the bartender. The bartender pulls the old bastard over the bar and kicks him on the ground, the show is now this as everyone watches the brutal beating. Mike gets up and takes a second to look at the violent incident.

Mike
Tiene el Diablo en el.

Mike begins to make his way to the stage with a grin, the music cuts out.

INT. DRESSING ROOM
Lucy looks into the mirror, she smiles. She reaches for a shirt on the pink-carpet floor when she sees a pair of bare feet, she looks up to see Mike smiling.

Lucy
Jesus!

Mike
Nope.

Lucy quickly lifts the shirt up to cover her breasts.

Lucy
What the fuck?

Mike looks down at his feet.

Mike
Ah, don’t worry, my feet are clean.

Lucy
I meant what the fuck are you doing here?

Mike
If you meant that, then you should have said that instead of the ambiguous “what the fuck”, ‘cause you see I just assumed you were talking about my feet being on such lovely carpet.

Lucy
There’s a reason that assume has “ass” in it.

Mike
Pretty and witty, I love that combo.

Lucy
So, would you be as kind as to explain your presence?

Mike looks around, noting the wooden chair Lucy is sitting in, the clothes all about and the couch behind him, of which he takes a seat on.

Mike
So, I won’t assume when you say “presence” you’re referring to my attire, because I gotta say this is one of my nicer suits.

Lucy smiles, believing she has caught on. Her face goes from worried to pleased.

Lucy
Are you a talent scout?

Mike
Now look who’s the ass.

Mike giggles, Lucy’s face returns to worry.

Lucy
You’re not a pimp, are you?

Mike
No. Much worse.

Lucy
Worse then an ass or a pimp?

Mike
Oh yeah, I’m the devil.

They share an awkward silence, Mike begins to grin very devilishly, Lucy seems somewhat disturbed. Then after a few minutes, they share a great laugh. Lucy drops the t-shirt and Mike, being the pervert he is, takes a peek at those breasts.

Mike
Cool tits bro.

Lucy
“Tits get tips”.

Mike shifts through his coat pocket and pulls out a fifty, handing it to her. Lucy makes a face like it burns to touch the money, but the quickly masks that with a grin.

Lucy
So, what is it you are looking for Mike? I really hope you don’t say me, because you certainly can’t have this.

Lucy covers herself, winking at Mike.

Mike
Holy shit you are dumb.

She is clearly disgusted by this comment.

Lucy
So, you’re not an awesome prostitute one of the waitresses hired for my birthday?

Mike
What the fuck are you talking about? A prostitute?

Mike stands up, looking down at Lucy.

Mike
Alright, try this on for size: I’m not a fucking whore hired by one of your dumb-bitch friends to take you to pleasure town just because you managed to survive another year. Now look, you’re a pretty gal, you’d never need to pay for some sweet, sweet dick action and trust me, I got a sweet-sweet dick but that is beside the point.

Lucy
Jesus, for someone questioning the ambiguity of a “what the fuck” earlier, you sure haven’t avoided any of that shit yourself.

Mike
There ain’t no ambiguity to me gal, I already told you who I was.

Lucy
The devil, right?

Mike
Right.

Lucy
Well I really have no business with the devil and since you haven’t bothered to suggest any reason why I’d like to have you here, why don’t you get the fuck out?

Mike
That would defeat the purpose of why I am here, right?

Lucy
(clearly frustrated)
And what is your purpose for being here?

Mike
To fuck with you, of course.

Mike grins, laughs and slaps his own gut.

Mike
You fell for that shit hard.

Lucy looks extremely uncomfortable.

Lucy
You’re fucking annoying and I am tired of this shit.

Mike
Clearly.

Lucy jumps up and reaches for the doorknob, twisting it swiftly but it’s clearly locked.

Lucy
What the hell!

Mike grabs her by the shoulders, and ducks to lean his head next to her ear.

The Devil
Baby, I am the Devil. And you are my sweet sunshine.

She turns around to see the his blacked out eyes and razor-blade teeth. Lucy naturally shrieks as she shrugs him off.

The Devil
You are a darling, fit full of perfection, like one of God’s creations.

He takes a step forward.

The Devil
I hate God’s creations.

Lucy turns around to see her mirror cracked, it makes the image of a thousand different devils, they all reach their various twisted shapes of right hands out from the mirror, she jumps back to avoid the mini devils trying to grasp her only to bump into the big one. The Devil turns her around and wraps his hands around her neck, she begins to choke.

The Devil
C’mon on, I will rock your world and you know it.

The Devil reaches down at her shorts, and puts his right hand into the front and begins to fish around. The Devil makes a lot of hissing noises and spits blood into her face. He pulls his right hand out to reveal a boney fist. He laughs and she just stands there and cries. The Devil tosses her on the ground and reaches into his coat pocket to pull out a straight razor, akin to one used for shaving. With his left hand he holds her left arm down, revealing her armpit, with his right he presses the blade on said armpit.

The Devil
Let’s make you a little less PERFECT!

The Devil violently stabs into her armpit, causing pockets of gooey blood to fly up and stain his sweet suit. He continues to crudely cut into her arm until it only hangs onto her torso by a wee bit of flesh. She screams at him, he just laughs then stands up to look at his work.

The Devil
You look good… so far.

The Devil throws the razor to a side and wipes his bloody hands on his suit. He ruffles his hair and slaps his face a few times before jumping up and down giddily, trying to work himself up.

The Devil
I just got to do it, just gotta do it and get it over with.

Lucy
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?!?

The Devil
I used to be able to do it real good, but now I’m a bit nervous since it’s been a while.

Lucy
Oh god, JUST KILL ME!

The Devil
That’s not God’s business Lucy, however I’ll do it for him but first…

The Devil gets on his knees and sticks his face into her neck, rubbing his cheek on her chin.

The Devil
… I got to get my grub on.

The Devil bites down on her neck, the flesh tears like paper and the wounds instantly seep red. He closes his jaw and begins to chew, occasionally spitting out some bone specs on her face, which leave bruises. A few moments pass and he swallows.

The Devil
That was uh, that was good.

The Devil takes a seat and leans against the couch, pulling out a cigarette and lighting up.

The Devil
Wha-, how about you, was it good for you too?

The Devil giggles at his own set up. He stands up and looks at the bloody mess that he has left, she breaths harshly. The Devil pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and tosses it on her chest.

The Devil
Here‘s a bit extra, you know: for the stitches.. I’ll call you later.

The Devil begins to walk out but then pauses, and returns to grab the twenty bucks.

The Devil
Forgot that you were dead, you needn’t not this. Later.

The Devil slams the door shut as he leaves, creating total blackness.

INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT
The lighting on the place gives it a glossy feel, thanks in part to the large amount of glass used for the various furniture and food displays. A nappy headed teenager wakes up, with his face laying on a table. He moves his head up to find himself tucked tightly into a booth, he shimmies to the left where the exit is located, but there is no escape.

The Devil
C’mon guy.

Our boy looks to see our friendly neighborhood Satan seated across him.

Boy
Who are you?

The Devil
A friend.

Boy
I don’t know you.

The Devil
Huh, that’s odd. They mention my name a lot at that uh, Church you go to.

Boy
I haven’t been there in years.

The Devil
Well, fuck. You didn’t have to tell me that with your uh, ignorance as to my identity and the fact that you’re here to begin with being on display.

Boy
Where is here?

The Devil
That’s a great question, though you asked it in a dumb way.

Boy
This restaurant, I’ve been here before. But it’s never looked so clean.

The Devil
It’s under new management, they’re sort of… devils when it comes to cleanliness.

The Boy’s eyes go wide, everything crashes in on him.

Boy
The crash…

The Devil
I am terribly sorry my boy, but you do not pass go and you do not collect a hundred dollars and you especially don’t go to heaven.

Boy
This is hell?

The Devil
Um. Yeah.

The boy takes a look around his surroundings, he returns to being calm.

Boy
This place is nice.

The Devil
Thanks guy.

Boy
Why is hell a nice Chinese restaurant?

The Devil
You know, no matter how nice the location is… any place, *any* place… will seem like hell after you spend an eternity there.

The Devil grins, his eyes glow red.

Boy
Oh god.

The Devil
Nah, far worse.

The Devil takes a stand and begins to walk away. The boy tries to move out again, still stuck.

Boy
I want out!

The Devil
Kid, you’re in hell.

Boy
Is this it?

The Devil stops, and turns around. He takes a deep stare at the boy, who looks incredibly heart-broken.

The Devil
You want more, eh?

He grins.

THE DEVIL IS A F**KER

Written by Taylor Betz

Cast-
Peter Weller as Voice/Mike/The Devil
Rose McGowan as Waitress
Christina Ricci as Lucy
Andrew Garfield as Boy





The Devil will NOT return in The Avengers.

[Cannon]

Not sure I'd have enough to say in a full review, so I'll just leave some thoughts here.

I liked the premise a lot and enjoyed reading it through. You wrote The Devil both hilariously and extremely creepy to the point of being uncomfortable (Especially during the mutilation scene) which is good, because getting both sides across was important. One thing I didn't like, was that a lot of the dialogue came across quite stiff. Especially with the devil saying "Guy" more than once, seemed kind of out of place. That being said, I wish this has been more, because this concept expanded into a full script would have been really great.

This was a damn good read though.

Also, Robocop as the devil. You fucking genius.

[Jester- PsychoBunnyProductions]

Well I honestly loved it. I found the Devil to be a cross between Jim Carrey's The Mask and Heath Ledgers joker which was a match made in heaven.... Or hell. Yeah...

I scrolled to the bottom of the page to see what Cannon had commented and noticed Peter Weller was the devil. I would quickly edit it to have the cast list first because knowing that Weller was playing the Devil made everything about that character come to life. The way he speaks, the pauses, the looks were all there in my mind.

I found about three lines a tiny bit forced but overall as a character The Devil was fantastically realised. The little set up with the "How was that for you" reminded me a lot of The Mask. It was funny yet disturbing.

Your way of setting the mood oozed off the screen perfectly.

It was a huge improvement on the last short I read by you ("The Pilgrim?") and I'll repeat what I said with that, I'd love to see a full version with these ideas and especially this character extended.

[Xplayadam]

Thanks guys for takin' the time to read through this.

I've always had a bit of a hard time writing the dialogue because it never ends up sounding right to me, so I'll need to work on it. I'm glad you at the least found the Devil's lines to be amusing/creepy, it's kinda a hard balanace to reach. I wanted to give him some cool, smooth lines but it still needed to not be pleasant and I'm pleased that at least that went alright.

I was watching Dexter's fifth season, of which Peter Weller is a guest on, and found myself loving his performance. He was very crude, and had an intimidating nature to him that ended up being somewhat charismatic. I thought it'd be perfect to be how I think of the Devil.

As for the length, I was more or less wanting very badly so to write this character but couldn't come up with a story for him. So I choose to just do a few scenes that I thought he'd excell in for shiggles. Maybe sometime I'll think of a proper film for him to be in and do that.

Again, thank you two for reading it and I'm so very happy that you didn't hate it

[TStape]

I'm tired. I just read this so I'm giving my short review. I'll reread it in the morning and post a longer one, scout's honor.

Funny, disturbing and entertaining. Wish it was longer. Last line after the credits had me rolling. Good job sir.

[Jester- PsychoBunnyProductions]

He was awesome in season 5. I think season 5 was a really weak season and its a shame he didnt have more to do

But thank you for writing it. Twas a brilliant read.

[Xplayadam]

Thank you sir for reading and likin' it.

Agreed Jester with S5 being the weakest, but I think there was some strong stuff in there (Weller, Johnny Lee Miller).

[Jester- PsychoBunnyProductions]

Weller and J.L Miller were honestly the absolute best thing about the season. Couldn't agree more.