A High School auditorium is shown. Roughly thirty kids sit in the first few rows of seats, while the Principal and Assistant Principal stand in front of the stage.PRINCIPALWe're just a little under two months away from your big day.
ASSISTANT PRINCIPALGraduation!
PRINCIPALAs some of you may know, this year we instituted an addition to the graduation requirements. If you don't complete eight community service hours, you will not be able to graduate. I mean this in the nicest way possible, but we don't want to see you again next year.
Students - including our main characters: Liam, Leia, Miles, and Buddy - leave the auditorium with community service forms in hand.LIAMOkay guys, there has to be an easy way out of this. A loophole, you know?
Liam, Miles, and Leia are shown sitting in Sex Ed class when their gorgeous new instructor - Miss Rachel Emberly - walks in. RACHELWelcome to Sex Ed.
Miles raises his hand.MILESIf we share a personal experience with the class, should we refer to ourselves in the first person or should we do so in the "my friend" frame of reference?
RACHELWe should probably refer to "our friends" or "someone we know" until we're all comfortable here.
MILESWell in that case, "my friend" is pretty well experienced. The ladies are fond of "him" if you know what I mean.
Rachel looks at Liam. Liam winks.MILESNo! Not him! Me! I meant me! I can please a woman!
The bell rings at the end of class. Most of the students leave.RACHEL(to the remaining few students)If anyone is in need of community service hours, we could use some volunteers at the Center.
LIAMSign us up!
Liam, Miles, and Buddy sit at the back of the school bus.MILESSo this is gonna be like Sex Ed class all the time?
LIAMYeah man, and you know what's gonna happen? I'm gonna hit that like there's no tomorrow. You know, bend-her-over style. Once I get in there, she'll be wetting herself in no time...the good way I mean.
TELEFILM PICTURES PRESENTSLiam, Leia, Miles, and Buddy walk into the Peer Outreach Center for the first time.RACHELSo, this is it.
Buddy notices a poster that artistically portrays a nude pregnant woman. He scratches it and takes a big whiff.BUDDYDamn! It's not scratch and sniff!
A STORY ABOUT DOING WHATEVER IT TAKES...Buddy reaches into his backpack and pulls two Sex Ed tapes he borrowed from the Peer Outreach Center and puts them back on the shelf.MILESHow'd the free porn treat you?
BUDDYExtremely disappointing. I don't think any of these videos were made after the 70's.
LEIAThey don't still show that to people, do they?
BECCAI think they do actually. I didn't know that they were so badly outdated though.
LEIAMaybe we should say something.
LIAM(in a sleepy stupor)Maybe we should make our own video.
Everyone perks up, clearly approving of the idea....TO JUST GET BYBUDDYPerhaps the video should be based upon a sexually charged superhero.
MILESBut what will we call him? Man O' Sex?
BUDDYMr. Fantastic In Bed?
MILESThe Silver Spermer?
LIAM / LEIASuper Boner!
KAT DENNINGSRACHELSo without any further ado, I proudly present...
Rachel looks at her note card and realizes the name of the movie at hand. She turns and speaks so that only Liam, Leia, Miles, Becca, and Buddy can hear her.RACHELI really should've previewed this, shouldn't I?
ALEXIS DZIENABECCAIf you do not read the lines I provided, I will have no choice but to cock punch you.
JACOB ZACHARLEIAMaybe you shouldn't whack off so much.
BUDDYMaybe you shouldn't PMS.
JOHN FRANCIS DALEYMILESPeople will have to show this to students because it's too awesome to keep locked up. A film that dares to be censored. And then when you go to censor it, it fucks you in the ass.
ASHLEY TISDALELEIAI'll be playing Princess Vagilia.
Liam nearly spits out his drink.and MICHAEL CERALiam wanders throughout the Peer Outreach Center with a blindfold over his eyes, yelling Marco Polo. He stumbles out into the waiting area. Rachel clears her throat to catch his attention. He pulls off the blindfold to see Rachel holding a grieving teenage girl. He remains there for a second, awkwardly, and then walks back to the volunteers' room.
SUPER BONER!In Sex Ed class, Miles and Leia are bickering back and forth. Liam, who is sitting between them, laughs and shakes his head. He points to Miles' crotch and then brings his index fingers towards one another in the universal symbol for "small penis." Then he points to Leia's crotch and shakes his head and mouths the words "no penis." Then he points to his own crotch and pulls his hands far apart, pretends to topple over, and gasps - the universal symbol for "humongous penis."DECEMBER 5TH
