Post by Dale on Jan 10, 2008 21:54:50 GMT -5
A Sinner in Happyland
Episode #1: "Cop Falls in Love"
--------------------
Starring:
Christopher Meloni---Cop
Kristen Bell---Princess Gina
(Cristo Pictures presents)
(Fade to beautiful castle.)
Cop VO: My soul…it feels like its being blown about by the cruel winds of destiny. These winds do not care how haphazardly they toss my soul about or whether it gets bruised and battered. All that matters is that these winds of destiny have, by determining my heart dark, forced me to say my soul has fallen down the steps. In a way…my soul has fallen down the steps, but those winds are partly responsible for my clumsiness. My soul has to call the police…and the officer is my 44 magnum. But, by this gun, I have destined my soul to an endless fall down the steps. Wrap your mind around that one unless there aren’t any lights on upstairs.
(Cut to Cop walking through the green field.)
Cop VO: Maybe, if my soul finds the light, it won’t fall down the stairs…and I’ll defy this destiny. Its funny how, in these settings, my narration sounds like a bunch of New Age crap. I’ll quit that now.
Voice: Yes, you really should. I’m getting quite tired of it.
(Cop stops abruptly.)
Cop VO: An voice that is alien to me is offering advice. Something fishy is going on, and I’m getting to the bottom of this mysterious ocean.
Voice: Dummy, it’s because I can read your mind. I am your guide through this world. All world-hoppers have guides.
Cop VO: So, if you can read my mind, I don’t have to talk to communicate with you. Right?
Voice: Yes, yes, of course. You can’t see me either. Just think of me as your conscience.
Cop VO: So, does my “conscience” have a name? Or should I just call you the Invisible Man?
Voice: You can call me Virgil.
Cop VO: Virgil? What kind of name is that?
Virgil: Mine. What kind of name is Cop?
Cop VO: It’s a very cool name and I’m pretty sure the concept of “cool” is something you’re not familiar with, seeing as how your name is Virgil.
Virgil: I don’t have to take this. I could just not lead you to the Troll.
Cop VO: I weigh my options and I figure it’s better to traverse through this strange land of midgets and possessed flower gardens with this unseen Virgo, even if he is trying my patience.
Virgil: My name’s Virgil.
Cop VO: Yeah, right, Virgin.
(Cut to a beautiful princess singing to woodland animals.)
Princess: We’re no dangers to doves
You know we’re cool and so do I
No more hunting’s what I’m thinking of
No more hit lists from any hungry guy
And if you ask me what I’m killing
I’ll tell you “Not a thing on land.”
Never gonna drink your blood
Never gonna shoot you down
Never gonna make you ground and “dessert” you
Never gonna make you die
Never gonna take a life
Never gonna just decide to go hurt you
Although these hunters are so strong
And they want bacon
And you’ll die to make it
I’m gonna quit all that’s been going on
Outlaw hunting soon as the day’s lit
And if you ask me what I’m killing
I’ll tell you just spiders and bees
Never gonna drink your blood
Never gonna shoot you down
Never gonna make you ground and “dessert” you
Never gonna make you die
Never gonna take a life
Never gonna just decide to go hurt you
(All the animals clap in agreement as we cut to…)
(Cop staring at her.)
Cop VO: As I continued to stare at this goddess of beauty, I felt a feeling deep within me and I desired to have her more than anything. Yeah, that’s right. I’m getting lucky tonight.
Virgil: Yeah, she is…Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. No, you can’t do that here. You cannot! This isn’t even your world.
Cop VO: Oh, yeah? Watch me work.
(Cut to Cop walking towards the princess.)
(A deer blocks him from going towards her.)
(Cop pulls out his 44 and shoots the deer in the head.)
Virgil: No! You can’t do that!
(Time freezes.)
Cop VO: Why not?
Virgil: Because here’s what will happen.
(Cut to the whole landscape changing into a huge movie theater.)
Cop VO: Whoa…how’d you do that?
Virgil: If I can manipulate time and read your mind, I should be able to cause you to have visions. Now watch.
(On the screen there is “Spongebob Squarepants”.)
Spongebob: I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready!
TV Announcer: We will return to Spongebob after the break.
(Cut to man and woman.)
Woman: I have genital herpes.
Man: And I don’t.
Woman: And we intend to keep it that way.
TV Announcer: Use once-daily Valtrex for…
Virgil: Whoops! Wrong channel.
(Cut to the screen changing to pitch black.)
Movie Trailer Guy: From the makers of Kill Bill and Bambi…
(Cut to a deer dressed up in a ninja outfit.)
Deer: He killed my mother. Now I’m back for revenge.
Movie Trailer Guy: Quentin Tarantino presents a Walt Disney Studios film…Kill Bambi Volume 1 ½. Coming to a theater near you.
(The screen goes black again.)
(Cut to everything changing back to “normal”)
(Time resumes and the deer is alive, blocking Cop’s way)
Cop VO: So, if I kill this deer, the deer’s kid will come back and try to kill me?
Virgil: It’s a possibility.
Cop VO: Will the princess notice if I kill the deer?
Virgil: No, she’s too busy performing.
(Cut to Cop’s concerned face.)
Cop VO: Does the princess have herpes?
Virgil: What the…NO!!
Cop VO: All right then.
(Cut to Cop shooting the deer in the head.)
Virgil: How could you…but…that is SO disturbing!
Cop VO: Screw you. I’m trying to get laid.
(Cut to Cop approaching the princess.)
Cop: What is your name, beautiful?
Princess Gina: My name is Princess Gina. What is yours?
Cop: My name is Cop.
Princess Gina: That is a very nice name.
Cop VO: Told ya so.
Virgil: Whatever.
Princess Gina: I was just telling the animals that I plan to outlaw hunting as soon as the king lights the day with the precious life-cream.
Cop: Yeah…uh-huh, I’m sure you are.
Virgil: Did you hear that?
Cop VO: I’m not watching another one of your stupid films.
Virgil: No, not that…and my films aren’t stupid…idiot.
Princess Gina: Are you…the one that I’ve been dreaming of?
Cop: I’ll be whatever you want me to be, baby.
Princess Gina: So you are my prince…my true love!
Cop: I’m a lover like no other.
(Princess Gina giggles.)
Princess Gina: Shall I show you my bedchambers?
(Cut to Cop and Princess Gina kissing passionately in her bedroom.)
Cop VO: It was then that the hot dog with falafel I had eaten in my world just a day before hit me like a sack of bricks to the stomach.
(Cut to Cop pushing away from Princess Gina.)
Cop: Do you have a restroom?
(Princess Gina points as we cut to…)
(Cop sitting on a diamond toilet with pink covering.)
(He gets up, flushes, and washes his hands.)
(He opens the medicine cabinet curiously.)
(Cut to some Valtrex in the cabinet.)
Cop: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Cut to Cop running away as fast as he can.)
Cop VO: Yep, my soul was tossed about horribly today by the winds of destiny. These winds of destiny are not limited to one world but instead, like the darkest of each world, can travel even into so-called “happy worlds”. Are these winds of destiny exterior forces set to predestine our path? Or are they interior forces…a reflection of our own inner darkness? Then I am nothing but a man pushed and pulled by this violent stormy wind.
(Cut to the corpse of the deer.)
(Another deer is standing over it.)
Deer: Mom? MOM?!? NOOOOO! Who would do this to you? Why would they do this? Why? I loved you! Why do you have to leave me now? I LOVE YOU! Please…oh God…no.
(The deer begins sobbing heavily.)
Deer: Mom, I am going to find the man who did this! I swear that they will pay! I am going to kill them! I will avenge you, Mom! I WILL AVENGE YOU!
(The deer gets shot in the head.)
(Pan out to see Cop holding his gun.)
Cop VO: Well, that takes care of that problem.
(cut to black)
(Cristo Pictures Inc.)
Episode #1: "Cop Falls in Love"
--------------------
Starring:
Christopher Meloni---Cop
Kristen Bell---Princess Gina
(Cristo Pictures presents)
(Fade to beautiful castle.)
Cop VO: My soul…it feels like its being blown about by the cruel winds of destiny. These winds do not care how haphazardly they toss my soul about or whether it gets bruised and battered. All that matters is that these winds of destiny have, by determining my heart dark, forced me to say my soul has fallen down the steps. In a way…my soul has fallen down the steps, but those winds are partly responsible for my clumsiness. My soul has to call the police…and the officer is my 44 magnum. But, by this gun, I have destined my soul to an endless fall down the steps. Wrap your mind around that one unless there aren’t any lights on upstairs.
(Cut to Cop walking through the green field.)
Cop VO: Maybe, if my soul finds the light, it won’t fall down the stairs…and I’ll defy this destiny. Its funny how, in these settings, my narration sounds like a bunch of New Age crap. I’ll quit that now.
Voice: Yes, you really should. I’m getting quite tired of it.
(Cop stops abruptly.)
Cop VO: An voice that is alien to me is offering advice. Something fishy is going on, and I’m getting to the bottom of this mysterious ocean.
Voice: Dummy, it’s because I can read your mind. I am your guide through this world. All world-hoppers have guides.
Cop VO: So, if you can read my mind, I don’t have to talk to communicate with you. Right?
Voice: Yes, yes, of course. You can’t see me either. Just think of me as your conscience.
Cop VO: So, does my “conscience” have a name? Or should I just call you the Invisible Man?
Voice: You can call me Virgil.
Cop VO: Virgil? What kind of name is that?
Virgil: Mine. What kind of name is Cop?
Cop VO: It’s a very cool name and I’m pretty sure the concept of “cool” is something you’re not familiar with, seeing as how your name is Virgil.
Virgil: I don’t have to take this. I could just not lead you to the Troll.
Cop VO: I weigh my options and I figure it’s better to traverse through this strange land of midgets and possessed flower gardens with this unseen Virgo, even if he is trying my patience.
Virgil: My name’s Virgil.
Cop VO: Yeah, right, Virgin.
(Cut to a beautiful princess singing to woodland animals.)
Princess: We’re no dangers to doves
You know we’re cool and so do I
No more hunting’s what I’m thinking of
No more hit lists from any hungry guy
And if you ask me what I’m killing
I’ll tell you “Not a thing on land.”
Never gonna drink your blood
Never gonna shoot you down
Never gonna make you ground and “dessert” you
Never gonna make you die
Never gonna take a life
Never gonna just decide to go hurt you
Although these hunters are so strong
And they want bacon
And you’ll die to make it
I’m gonna quit all that’s been going on
Outlaw hunting soon as the day’s lit
And if you ask me what I’m killing
I’ll tell you just spiders and bees
Never gonna drink your blood
Never gonna shoot you down
Never gonna make you ground and “dessert” you
Never gonna make you die
Never gonna take a life
Never gonna just decide to go hurt you
(All the animals clap in agreement as we cut to…)
(Cop staring at her.)
Cop VO: As I continued to stare at this goddess of beauty, I felt a feeling deep within me and I desired to have her more than anything. Yeah, that’s right. I’m getting lucky tonight.
Virgil: Yeah, she is…Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. No, you can’t do that here. You cannot! This isn’t even your world.
Cop VO: Oh, yeah? Watch me work.
(Cut to Cop walking towards the princess.)
(A deer blocks him from going towards her.)
(Cop pulls out his 44 and shoots the deer in the head.)
Virgil: No! You can’t do that!
(Time freezes.)
Cop VO: Why not?
Virgil: Because here’s what will happen.
(Cut to the whole landscape changing into a huge movie theater.)
Cop VO: Whoa…how’d you do that?
Virgil: If I can manipulate time and read your mind, I should be able to cause you to have visions. Now watch.
(On the screen there is “Spongebob Squarepants”.)
Spongebob: I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready!
TV Announcer: We will return to Spongebob after the break.
(Cut to man and woman.)
Woman: I have genital herpes.
Man: And I don’t.
Woman: And we intend to keep it that way.
TV Announcer: Use once-daily Valtrex for…
Virgil: Whoops! Wrong channel.
(Cut to the screen changing to pitch black.)
Movie Trailer Guy: From the makers of Kill Bill and Bambi…
(Cut to a deer dressed up in a ninja outfit.)
Deer: He killed my mother. Now I’m back for revenge.
Movie Trailer Guy: Quentin Tarantino presents a Walt Disney Studios film…Kill Bambi Volume 1 ½. Coming to a theater near you.
(The screen goes black again.)
(Cut to everything changing back to “normal”)
(Time resumes and the deer is alive, blocking Cop’s way)
Cop VO: So, if I kill this deer, the deer’s kid will come back and try to kill me?
Virgil: It’s a possibility.
Cop VO: Will the princess notice if I kill the deer?
Virgil: No, she’s too busy performing.
(Cut to Cop’s concerned face.)
Cop VO: Does the princess have herpes?
Virgil: What the…NO!!
Cop VO: All right then.
(Cut to Cop shooting the deer in the head.)
Virgil: How could you…but…that is SO disturbing!
Cop VO: Screw you. I’m trying to get laid.
(Cut to Cop approaching the princess.)
Cop: What is your name, beautiful?
Princess Gina: My name is Princess Gina. What is yours?
Cop: My name is Cop.
Princess Gina: That is a very nice name.
Cop VO: Told ya so.
Virgil: Whatever.
Princess Gina: I was just telling the animals that I plan to outlaw hunting as soon as the king lights the day with the precious life-cream.
Cop: Yeah…uh-huh, I’m sure you are.
Virgil: Did you hear that?
Cop VO: I’m not watching another one of your stupid films.
Virgil: No, not that…and my films aren’t stupid…idiot.
Princess Gina: Are you…the one that I’ve been dreaming of?
Cop: I’ll be whatever you want me to be, baby.
Princess Gina: So you are my prince…my true love!
Cop: I’m a lover like no other.
(Princess Gina giggles.)
Princess Gina: Shall I show you my bedchambers?
(Cut to Cop and Princess Gina kissing passionately in her bedroom.)
Cop VO: It was then that the hot dog with falafel I had eaten in my world just a day before hit me like a sack of bricks to the stomach.
(Cut to Cop pushing away from Princess Gina.)
Cop: Do you have a restroom?
(Princess Gina points as we cut to…)
(Cop sitting on a diamond toilet with pink covering.)
(He gets up, flushes, and washes his hands.)
(He opens the medicine cabinet curiously.)
(Cut to some Valtrex in the cabinet.)
Cop: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Cut to Cop running away as fast as he can.)
Cop VO: Yep, my soul was tossed about horribly today by the winds of destiny. These winds of destiny are not limited to one world but instead, like the darkest of each world, can travel even into so-called “happy worlds”. Are these winds of destiny exterior forces set to predestine our path? Or are they interior forces…a reflection of our own inner darkness? Then I am nothing but a man pushed and pulled by this violent stormy wind.
(Cut to the corpse of the deer.)
(Another deer is standing over it.)
Deer: Mom? MOM?!? NOOOOO! Who would do this to you? Why would they do this? Why? I loved you! Why do you have to leave me now? I LOVE YOU! Please…oh God…no.
(The deer begins sobbing heavily.)
Deer: Mom, I am going to find the man who did this! I swear that they will pay! I am going to kill them! I will avenge you, Mom! I WILL AVENGE YOU!
(The deer gets shot in the head.)
(Pan out to see Cop holding his gun.)
Cop VO: Well, that takes care of that problem.
(cut to black)
(Cristo Pictures Inc.)
