Post by Dale on Jan 24, 2008 22:10:56 GMT -5
A Sinner in Happyland
Episode #3: "Cop Gets Paid"
--------------------
(Cristo Pictures presents)
(Fade to multi-colored lights shining brightly over Happyland)
(Cut to Cop walking through a forest)
Cop VO: My distaste for this place can’t be expressed in a harsher way. I simply do not have the words to convey my feelings for this horrible setting. Give me a drive-by shooting and a double homicide any day.
Virgil: Just lock you in the same room with some ADD preschoolers for a couple of hours and we can get that easily…
Cop VO: I especially despise you, Casper.
Virgil: The feeling is mutual, Stabler.
Cop VO: What?
Virgil: Huh?
Cop VO: Ugh…so how much longer till we find the Troll?
Virgil: At our pace, about a week…maybe longer.
Cop VO: This stupid lighting of the day...like a disco ball or somethin’.
Virgil: Your thoughts have become increasingly incoherent ever since you got those maggots in your mouth. I hope you’re infected with something.
(Cut to a huge money bag in the middle of the forest)
Cop VO: Money. In every land, you can tell what the money is. It doesn’t matter if it’s pesos, francs, yens, cowry shells, dollar bills…
Virgil: Or is it the mindstate that’s ill creating crime rates to fill the new prisons they build?
Cop VO: Shut up.
(Cut to Cop walking over and grabbing the money)
Cop VO: Money means information. I can find a way to the Troll without you if I have this.
Voice: WAAAAAH!
(Cut to a disheveled young man charging over the hill)
(He has a money bag in his hand)
(He slams his money bag into Cop’s bag and both bags disappear)
Cop: What?!? How’d you do that?
Young Man: Come on, we need to find more!
Cop: Yeah, we need to find more because you just destroyed the first one with some stupid fairy magic!
Young Man: Are you daft? Come on!
(Cop aims his 44 magnum at the young man)
Cop: Who are you?!?
Young Man: Is that money?
(The young man grabs the gun and bites it)
Young Man: Ah…this isn’t worth anything. You can keep it.
(The young man throws it back to Cop)
Young Man: By the way, my name’s Patrick.
(Patrick runs off and Cop follows)
Cop: What are you doing?
Patrick: You must not be from around here. Well, you’re in this part of Happyland for a reason. See, the people in this area cannot spend money. They will become statues of gold if they do…whereas if they try to keep the money without spending it, it will disappear in a day. Ever since the King erased the notion of buying and selling, it’s been that way. But some people, like you and me, love money. So we have to find the one bag of money that is real. If it is real, it won’t disappear when it collides with another bag of money. The person who finds the first bag of real money will become instantly popular. And you know what recognition means?
Cop: What?
Patrick: Why, more money of course.
Cop: What can you buy with it?
Patrick: Money-lovers will buy from other money-lovers.
Cop: Can you buy from people who don’t love money?
Patrick: No, because they’ll probably report you to the King if you attempt it.
Cop: Your money has less value than the US dollar.
Patrick: Money is the most valuable thing on earth. What do you go to school for? So you can get educated and get money. Why do you work? So you can get money. Who do all the women like? Someone with money. Who wears the nicest clothes? Who eats the best food? Who owns the best houses? People with money. Who has the power? The people who have the money. Without money, the world is a waste. We might as well be animals.
Cop: Yeah, money is important…but these local freaks seem to want everything free, like this guy I’m looking for, stole some lemon ice cream, shot a guy over it…
Patrick: Of course money is important! That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. So stop blabbering on about being broke and show me the money!
(Cut to Cop and Patrick running at each other with money bags)
(They collide and the bags disappear)
Cop VO: This is futile. It’s worse than trying to get the truth out of OJ Simpson’s lawyer and we all know that dead men tell no tales.
(Cut to Patrick coming back with a money bag)
Patrick: Do you have a bag?
Cop: No.
Patrick: Well, then, I can’t do this by myself!
(Cut to another guy on a hill in the distance)
Patrick: Hey, there’s George. I’m pretty sure George has one.
(George notices Patrick and starts running towards him with a money bag)
(They collide)
(Cut to the smoke clearing and a lone money bag sitting there)
Cop: Whoa. It’s real.
Patrick: Yes, I’m gonna be rich!
George: What do you mean…YOU’RE gonna be rich? That’s my money!
Patrick: Are you kidding? It’s obviously my bag that’s real.
George: No, logic dictates that since I hit you at a 25 degree angle, if funds were to result from the combination, they would obviously be under the ownership of myself, George, because I said so and because if you don’t believe me, you’re ignorant to the truth and intolerant.
Patrick: What?
Cop: What?
Cop VO: What?
Virgil: What?
George: What? It’s the truth!
Patrick: Look, just give me the money!
George: No, it belongs to ME!
Patrick: It belongs to me!
Cop VO: As soon as they start fighting, I’m grabbing that money.
(The money slowly starts to disappear)
Cop VO: HUH?!?
Cop: Uh…guys…
Patrick: You’re just mad because you know it’s my money and you can’t stand the fact that it is my money so you try to lie because you’re a liar.
George: I am not a liar. That is my money and you are just a dummy because you want it to be your money because you know it’s mine and you’re jealous!
Patrick: I am not jealous. If anybody’s jealous, it’s you! I always had better poise when I ran for the money bags anyway and you were envious of that from the start.
George: Better poise? You looked like a duck bobbing along looking to claim money that wasn’t yours!
Patrick: At least I didn’t duck when I saw the money bags coming. You flinched every time we collided because you were scared of it hitting you in the face, you wimp!
George: Scared? You were the one scared when we started out this whole thing! You were like “Oh, maybe, the King will find out and I’ll get a spanking! Oh, woe is me! We should just stop trying to use money like the King says.”
Patrick: Well, you were always power-hungry! You always tried to be the King of our money resistance! You were all like “Bow down and worship me because I’m awesome! Even though I’ve never done anything of any worth in my sad useless pathetic life, you should still make me King because my farts smell like grapefruit!”
(Cut to the money bag disappearing completely)
George: You’re the one who’s pathetic! Nobody would even care if you died!
(Cut to George pulling out a sword)
Patrick: Wait, man, look…uh…the money isn’t that important. There are more important things in life like family and good moral values and uh....you know the saying, right? “Live and let live”?
George: It’s too late for that now.
(George starts heading towards Patrick)
Cop: George, don’t do it.
Patrick: Yeah, George, don’t do it!
George: Stay out of this.
Cop: Don’t do it, George.
Patrick: Yeah, don’t do it, George.
George: I said, stay out of this!
(Cut to Patrick falling back and George gripping his sword tighter)
Cop: I’m warning you for the last time, George, don’t do it!
Patrick: While he may be warning you for the last time, George, I’m begging you! Don’t do it!
George: How many times do I have to say STAY..?
(Gunshot)
(George falls to the ground)
(Cut to Cop holding his gun)
Cop: Some people just don’t listen.
(Cut to Patrick jumping up)
Patrick: Hey! What happened to the money?!?
Cop: It wasn’t real. It was fake.
Patrick: Well, I’m gonna find the real money.
Cop: What about all that stuff you said about things more important than money?
Patrick: I don’t remember. Do you remember?
Cop: You know…actually, I don’t.
Patrick: Must not have been important then.
(Cut to Cop and Patrick walking through the forest)
Cop VO: Money. Some say the love of it is the root of all evil. But, does anyone really love money? It’s the security of wealth that people enjoy and the things they buy with it…but no one is secure economically. It’s a foolish endeavor…the pursuit of riches, for when you are dead, where does all the money go? Some people have all the money in the world and still aren’t happy. Maybe money doesn’t buy happiness.
Virgil: Finally learning something…
Cop VO: Maybe…family is the most important thing.
Virgil: You might have actually turned over a new leaf.
Cop VO: You know what? Scratch that. Being responsible for little brats who will destroy the crap out of your home and tied down to some hag who won’t put out. I’ll take the money.
(Cut to black)
(Cristo Pictures Inc.)
Episode #3: "Cop Gets Paid"
--------------------
(Cristo Pictures presents)
(Fade to multi-colored lights shining brightly over Happyland)
(Cut to Cop walking through a forest)
Cop VO: My distaste for this place can’t be expressed in a harsher way. I simply do not have the words to convey my feelings for this horrible setting. Give me a drive-by shooting and a double homicide any day.
Virgil: Just lock you in the same room with some ADD preschoolers for a couple of hours and we can get that easily…
Cop VO: I especially despise you, Casper.
Virgil: The feeling is mutual, Stabler.
Cop VO: What?
Virgil: Huh?
Cop VO: Ugh…so how much longer till we find the Troll?
Virgil: At our pace, about a week…maybe longer.
Cop VO: This stupid lighting of the day...like a disco ball or somethin’.
Virgil: Your thoughts have become increasingly incoherent ever since you got those maggots in your mouth. I hope you’re infected with something.
(Cut to a huge money bag in the middle of the forest)
Cop VO: Money. In every land, you can tell what the money is. It doesn’t matter if it’s pesos, francs, yens, cowry shells, dollar bills…
Virgil: Or is it the mindstate that’s ill creating crime rates to fill the new prisons they build?
Cop VO: Shut up.
(Cut to Cop walking over and grabbing the money)
Cop VO: Money means information. I can find a way to the Troll without you if I have this.
Voice: WAAAAAH!
(Cut to a disheveled young man charging over the hill)
(He has a money bag in his hand)
(He slams his money bag into Cop’s bag and both bags disappear)
Cop: What?!? How’d you do that?
Young Man: Come on, we need to find more!
Cop: Yeah, we need to find more because you just destroyed the first one with some stupid fairy magic!
Young Man: Are you daft? Come on!
(Cop aims his 44 magnum at the young man)
Cop: Who are you?!?
Young Man: Is that money?
(The young man grabs the gun and bites it)
Young Man: Ah…this isn’t worth anything. You can keep it.
(The young man throws it back to Cop)
Young Man: By the way, my name’s Patrick.
(Patrick runs off and Cop follows)
Cop: What are you doing?
Patrick: You must not be from around here. Well, you’re in this part of Happyland for a reason. See, the people in this area cannot spend money. They will become statues of gold if they do…whereas if they try to keep the money without spending it, it will disappear in a day. Ever since the King erased the notion of buying and selling, it’s been that way. But some people, like you and me, love money. So we have to find the one bag of money that is real. If it is real, it won’t disappear when it collides with another bag of money. The person who finds the first bag of real money will become instantly popular. And you know what recognition means?
Cop: What?
Patrick: Why, more money of course.
Cop: What can you buy with it?
Patrick: Money-lovers will buy from other money-lovers.
Cop: Can you buy from people who don’t love money?
Patrick: No, because they’ll probably report you to the King if you attempt it.
Cop: Your money has less value than the US dollar.
Patrick: Money is the most valuable thing on earth. What do you go to school for? So you can get educated and get money. Why do you work? So you can get money. Who do all the women like? Someone with money. Who wears the nicest clothes? Who eats the best food? Who owns the best houses? People with money. Who has the power? The people who have the money. Without money, the world is a waste. We might as well be animals.
Cop: Yeah, money is important…but these local freaks seem to want everything free, like this guy I’m looking for, stole some lemon ice cream, shot a guy over it…
Patrick: Of course money is important! That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. So stop blabbering on about being broke and show me the money!
(Cut to Cop and Patrick running at each other with money bags)
(They collide and the bags disappear)
Cop VO: This is futile. It’s worse than trying to get the truth out of OJ Simpson’s lawyer and we all know that dead men tell no tales.
(Cut to Patrick coming back with a money bag)
Patrick: Do you have a bag?
Cop: No.
Patrick: Well, then, I can’t do this by myself!
(Cut to another guy on a hill in the distance)
Patrick: Hey, there’s George. I’m pretty sure George has one.
(George notices Patrick and starts running towards him with a money bag)
(They collide)
(Cut to the smoke clearing and a lone money bag sitting there)
Cop: Whoa. It’s real.
Patrick: Yes, I’m gonna be rich!
George: What do you mean…YOU’RE gonna be rich? That’s my money!
Patrick: Are you kidding? It’s obviously my bag that’s real.
George: No, logic dictates that since I hit you at a 25 degree angle, if funds were to result from the combination, they would obviously be under the ownership of myself, George, because I said so and because if you don’t believe me, you’re ignorant to the truth and intolerant.
Patrick: What?
Cop: What?
Cop VO: What?
Virgil: What?
George: What? It’s the truth!
Patrick: Look, just give me the money!
George: No, it belongs to ME!
Patrick: It belongs to me!
Cop VO: As soon as they start fighting, I’m grabbing that money.
(The money slowly starts to disappear)
Cop VO: HUH?!?
Cop: Uh…guys…
Patrick: You’re just mad because you know it’s my money and you can’t stand the fact that it is my money so you try to lie because you’re a liar.
George: I am not a liar. That is my money and you are just a dummy because you want it to be your money because you know it’s mine and you’re jealous!
Patrick: I am not jealous. If anybody’s jealous, it’s you! I always had better poise when I ran for the money bags anyway and you were envious of that from the start.
George: Better poise? You looked like a duck bobbing along looking to claim money that wasn’t yours!
Patrick: At least I didn’t duck when I saw the money bags coming. You flinched every time we collided because you were scared of it hitting you in the face, you wimp!
George: Scared? You were the one scared when we started out this whole thing! You were like “Oh, maybe, the King will find out and I’ll get a spanking! Oh, woe is me! We should just stop trying to use money like the King says.”
Patrick: Well, you were always power-hungry! You always tried to be the King of our money resistance! You were all like “Bow down and worship me because I’m awesome! Even though I’ve never done anything of any worth in my sad useless pathetic life, you should still make me King because my farts smell like grapefruit!”
(Cut to the money bag disappearing completely)
George: You’re the one who’s pathetic! Nobody would even care if you died!
(Cut to George pulling out a sword)
Patrick: Wait, man, look…uh…the money isn’t that important. There are more important things in life like family and good moral values and uh....you know the saying, right? “Live and let live”?
George: It’s too late for that now.
(George starts heading towards Patrick)
Cop: George, don’t do it.
Patrick: Yeah, George, don’t do it!
George: Stay out of this.
Cop: Don’t do it, George.
Patrick: Yeah, don’t do it, George.
George: I said, stay out of this!
(Cut to Patrick falling back and George gripping his sword tighter)
Cop: I’m warning you for the last time, George, don’t do it!
Patrick: While he may be warning you for the last time, George, I’m begging you! Don’t do it!
George: How many times do I have to say STAY..?
(Gunshot)
(George falls to the ground)
(Cut to Cop holding his gun)
Cop: Some people just don’t listen.
(Cut to Patrick jumping up)
Patrick: Hey! What happened to the money?!?
Cop: It wasn’t real. It was fake.
Patrick: Well, I’m gonna find the real money.
Cop: What about all that stuff you said about things more important than money?
Patrick: I don’t remember. Do you remember?
Cop: You know…actually, I don’t.
Patrick: Must not have been important then.
(Cut to Cop and Patrick walking through the forest)
Cop VO: Money. Some say the love of it is the root of all evil. But, does anyone really love money? It’s the security of wealth that people enjoy and the things they buy with it…but no one is secure economically. It’s a foolish endeavor…the pursuit of riches, for when you are dead, where does all the money go? Some people have all the money in the world and still aren’t happy. Maybe money doesn’t buy happiness.
Virgil: Finally learning something…
Cop VO: Maybe…family is the most important thing.
Virgil: You might have actually turned over a new leaf.
Cop VO: You know what? Scratch that. Being responsible for little brats who will destroy the crap out of your home and tied down to some hag who won’t put out. I’ll take the money.
(Cut to black)
(Cristo Pictures Inc.)
