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Post by Movie Lord Productions on Jul 10, 2008 12:38:06 GMT -5
*Studio and production logo are shown.
*It is a bright sunny day at a high school graduation ceremony. Graduates are filed side-by-side at the front podium holding their diplomas while hundreds of parents and family watch adoringly from the seats below. It is seen that some of the graduates standing on the podium are growing tired and bored while their principal continues to say a speech.
Principal Hawkins: And now, I’m proud to present our valedictorian for the graduating class of 08’, David Holmes.
*Everyone claps as a slim, well-toned, Asian person wearing a graduation gown walks up to the podium to speak. He then nervously takes out a set of cue cards from his pocket and clears his throat.
David: Today is the day. The day that separates us graduates from the kids. We’ve all come along way from our humble beginnings at the start of high school. We’ve all gone through many hardships as well as many ‘good-ships’?
*Everyone laughs.
David: I was picked to receive this honour because of my academic skills; I’m not the party-going type. But as Bill Gates once said, “Be nice to nerds because they will probably be your boss.”
*Everyone laughs. The song “Paper Planes” by MIA fades in as a montage shows various moments from David’s high school life, none of which include anything ‘fun’. At the end of the montage, a title screen comes up saying “Close Cut Studios Presents”. The song comes to an abrupt stop as the movie is brought back to David giving his speech.
David: All in all, I guess you can say, I’ve lived through the rush of academic life. (Aside, while walking down from podium) Not so much the rush of real life.
*Everyone claps.
*Title appears on a black background reading ‘Summer Rush’. The song ‘Insane in the Membrane’ by Cypress Hill fades in and begins to play as the scene switches to David’s house (bungalow). The music fades down as the scene again changes from the house to the basement. It is a very shabby room with several posters on the walls and shag carpeting. The overall feel of the room is very dingy and dirty. David and Leigh are seen slouching on bean bag chairs playing a video game.
Leigh: That was a shit speech you gave yesterday.
David: Pfft, what would you even know? I graduated the top of my class whereas you barely made your way over a 60 percent average.
Leigh: Granted…
David: That’s a big word for you, no?
Leigh: …you’ve never had such a social life in high school, have you?
David: Speak for yourself, it’s not like you’ve been out to any parties.
Leigh: Well no fuck! ‘Cause I’ve been smoking pot and partying it up with myself.
David: And that’s why you have no future. I’m getting into the University of Toronto in September, so suck my nuts.
Leigh: Pfft.
David: (tapping controller furiously) Come on, come on, come on!!! YES! I win! Suck on my balls!!
Leigh: Whatever, at least I’ve gotten laid.
David: Your dog doesn’t count.
Leigh: Well, back to our little discussion, I’ve already told you where my future is…
David: You don’t have the balls to star in porn.
Leigh: Shut the fu-
*A door creaks open.
David’s Mom: You boys alright?
David: Yep.
David’s Mom: (glancing at TV) You know I don’t like those violent video games.
David: I’m 18, mom.
David’s Mom: I heard those games can lead to the players having troubled and violent lives.
Leigh: (aggravated) (to David’s Mom) Can you please shut up?
*David and his Mom stare blankly at Leigh in disgust.
Leigh: Jesus…
*It is in the middle of a large and open plain with some trees scattered every hundred feet or so. It is very hot and humid summer day and the sun is just beginning to set in the background. All of a sudden, a truck pulls up from one side of the field and a truck pulls up from the other side. The men who get out of the trucks are dressed in fine clothing and are carrying handguns and machine guns as well.
Alden: I trust you have the money, right Vin?
Vin: $5,000,000, in the bag.
*Alden roughly counts the money
Alden: Seems legit.
Vin: The tracker?
Alden: Ah yes, right here! This baby will track your drugs and their progress on the boat right down to the exact meter.
Legs: Oh, that one of them GPS trackers, ain’t it?
Vin: (to Legs) Shut the fuck up, and just stand there will yeah?
Legs: (Aside) Whatever, fag.
Scar: (chuckling) You’re a dumbass Legs.
Alden: The boat will arrive at the harbour at Pier 16 in Toronto two weeks from now, July 10th. Come alone and bring some sort of ID.
Vin: Like a driver’s license?
Alden: I don’t know, yes? I guess so.
Vin: Cause I don’t have one…
Alden: Well anything else will do.
Vin: What about my library card?
Alden: Sure, okay.
Scar: (to Vin) Uh, boss, that library got was only valid in the Montreal region.
Vin: True, sorry about that Alden!
Alden: (bored) Just be there, okay? No ID needed.
Vin: Alrighty then.
Legs: (farts) Fuck, sorry boss.
Vin: Just wait is the fucking truck, will you?
Legs: (shamefully) Yessir.
*Legs walks back to the truck.
Vin: So… nice doing business with you.
*Vin shakes Alden’s hand
Alden: And, uh, remember. In the event of you getting caught: we’ve never met.
Vin: (jokingly) What meeting?
*Alden and his bodyguards turn their backs to Vin, Scar, and Legs and walk towards their towards their truck. Vin nods at Scar and Legs. Scar and Legs then start shooting at Alden and his men. Gunfire is exchanged and Vin gets shot to death while Alden is badly wounded.
Vin: (to Scar and Legs; uttering his last words) Get the money!!!!
Scar: What money?
Vin: You retarded sack of shi… (dies)
Scar: Oh, fuck me! Haha, that money!
*Scar and Legs run towards Alden’s body and grab the case of money. Alden is really just acting dead to trick them as they shoot his bodyguards to death.
Legs: (running with the money towards their truck) Dip, dip!
*Scar and Legs jump into their truck and drive away as the screen cuts to black.
*The camera then cuts back to David’s basement as David and Leigh are still playing video games lazily.
Leigh: Hey Dave, why do they call Happy Meals ‘Happy Meals’? I mean, you don’t get any happier from eating them. Just fat.
Dave: Well, if they called them Sad Meals then nobody would buy them. So… yeah.
*Leigh lights up a blunt.
David: Put that shit out will you? My mom is upstairs.
Leigh: Your mom’s a bitch.
David: STFU.
Leigh: LOL, n00b.
David: GTFO!
Leigh: ROFL.
David: LMAO
Leigh: IMMA CHARGIN MAH LAZER!
Together: SHOOP DA WOOP!
*They continue to say “LOLOLOLOLOL” for several seconds before the door creaks open again and Leigh flicks his blunt away and it lands on David’s Mom’s done up hair without her noticing.
David’s Mom: Uh, boys I’m going –
Leigh: Just shut up, Mrs. Holmes. Will you?
*David punches Leigh in arm.
Leigh: Ouch!
David’s Mom: I’m going to the store, okay? Anything you want?
David: (embarrassed) We are just fine. Thank you.
*David’s Mom leaves.
Leigh: Look how much of a bitch your mom is.
David: What the fuck do you mean?
Leigh: She just stole my last joint!
David: Wait, where the fuck did you put your joint?
*David and Leigh look at each other blankly.
*David’s Mom is driving her minivan to the grocery store and starts to sniff, she still doesn’t notice the weed burning in her hair. She looks in her rear-view mirror and notices her hair is on fire. Panicking, she swerves the van off the road. She bangs into a tree and a cop (Officer Jim) comes by to see if she is alright.
Officer Jim: Ma’am, are you alright?
*David’s Mom has her face buried in an airbag and lifts it up slowly. Jim notices that she has blood shot eyes and sees a joint lying beside her.
David’s Mom: Wha?
*Jim nervously pulls out gun and aims it at David’s Mom.
Jim: Put your hands where I can see them!
David’s Mom: What? Why?
Jim: Put your fucking hands where I can see them!
*David’s Mom slowly lifts her hands – disoriented from the crash.
*Legs is driving terribly through suburban streets in his blood-covered and shot- up truck. Scar and Legs both looked shocked.
Scar: Holy fuck! We almost died back there!
Legs: (loudly) WHAT?
Scar: I said: We almost died back there!
Legs: SPEAK UP!
Scar: I SAID WE FUCKING ALMOST FUCKING DIED FUCKING BACK FUCKING THERE…. FUCKING.
Legs: What the hell are you saying?
*Scar tilts his head and inspects Legs. Scar then notices that Legs has been shot in the ear.
Scar: Holy shit!
Legs: WHAT?
*Scar texts Legs and the text says ‘Whatever you do, do not look at your ear!”. Legs receives the text and reads it.
Legs: HOLY SHIT? WHAT HAPPENED TO MY EAR?
Scar: (staring blankly at the ear) Uh… nothing. Nothing serious at least…
*Legs glances at his ear using the rear-view mirror and starts to freak out. He shakes his head violently, trying to get a better look at his ear.
Scar: YOU FUCKING DUMBASS!
*Scar tries to regain control of the steering wheel as Legs is steering the car badly. Arguing and fighting begins between them and the car races into the corner of a house.
*David and Leigh are still in David’s basement. Now they are eating Hot Pockets while discussing topics.
Leigh: You know; I’ve come up with a scientific theory.
David: Oh really? Care to elaborate?
Leigh: Okay, I will give you the virtual experience: you have to shit right?
David: Oh God, here we go…
Leigh: But you choose to hold it in for like 2 days. I have come to the conclusion that after 2 days, the shit stewing in your stomach…
David: Intestines, you mean?
Leigh: …yeah, will turn green.
*Awkward silence.
David: And?
Leigh: That’s it.
David: That is one of the most retarded theories I’ve ever heard.
*David and Leigh continue to eat Hot Pockets.
Leigh: Hey, do you ever wonder what would happen if your cock –
*Leigh gets interrupted by a loud bang. David’s house shakes violently and rubble begins to fall from the ceiling.
Leigh: HOLY SHIT!
*The shaking stops and David and Leigh look around the basement. There are bits and pieces of wood and drywall lying around and several wires are hanging from the ceiling.
David: Was that an earthquake?
*Scar and Legs limp away from their mangled truck as it has been crushed and stuck into the corner of David’s house. They are both covered with dirt and are badly cut all over.
Scar: (out of breath) You piece of shit!
Legs: WHAT?
*David and Leigh both nervously climb upstairs to get an idea of what happened. After searching around the house, they finally get to the kitchen where they see a bright orange glow. They inspect the truck by climbing through the broken windshield and looking around the seats. David finds a suitcase and opens it up.
David: Whoa.
Leigh: What?
*David shows him the large amount of money in the case.
Leigh: Holy fucking shit, that’s at least…. (thinks very hard)… 100 dollars!
David: I think it s bit more than that! (roughly counts money) That’s at least, like, 1,000,000 fucking dollars!
Leigh: (excitedly) I think I just had an orgasm.
*Scar and Legs are now running down David’s street. They eventually hotwire a parked car and drive off. While driving they are both in a state of shock.
Legs: HOLY FUCK! I CAN’T FUCKING HEAR SHIT! I MIGHT BE DEAF MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE!
Scar: Relax.
Legs: WHAT?
Scar: (talking to himself) Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! The fucking money!
Legs: WHAT?
Scar: (whacks Legs in the head) The fucking money. Shit! Fuck! We’re so fucked!
Legs: OH FUCK THE MONEY! DID YOU TAKE IT? FUCK WE ARE SO SCREWED IF WE DIDN’T TAKE IT. WHAT IF THE POLICE FIND IT? FUCKING BALLS.
*Awkward silence.
Together: FUCK!
*David and Leigh are both sitting in his kitchen counting the money. After doing that they put it back in the bag and begin to contemplate.
David: What do we do now?
Leigh: Return it to the cops? Maybe we’ll get a cut of it.
David: Just let me think before we do anything.
Leigh: We’ll think fast. That’s a shitload of cash. If whoever left that there comes back we’re fucked. Hey, what if it’s a drug lord or something?
David: Oh please, what would a drug lord be doing driving around the Greater Toronto Area?
Leigh: Well then, smart guy, who the hell would have like a million fucking dollars just lying around?
David: Good point.
Leigh: So?
*They both begin to hear police sirens. Just then, David has a flashback: It is one where he is at home studying for a test at the late hours of night when all of a sudden he looks out the window and he sees some jocks from his school racing down the road with girls in the backseat. The flashback continues as he looks very depressed and continues to study.
David: Let’s take it.
Leigh: Are you fucking serious?
David: Fuck yeah lets go, the cops will be here any second.
Leigh: Wait… lets think about this.
David: Yeah, my plan would definitely work out.
Leigh: Heh, yeah I mean, what's the worst that could happen?
David: Well, for starters, whoever's money this is could track us down and brutally murder us.
*Awkward silence.
Leigh: That would probably never happen.
David: You're probably right.
Leigh: Absolutely!
David: True say...
*Cop car stops infront of David’s house with its sirens blaring.
Leigh: Let’s get the fuck out of here!
*David quickly grabs the suitcase and him and Leigh dart of the back door. They then hop several fences and then run down the street. Back at the house, the cop car pulls into David’s driveway with David’s Mom in the back seat. David’s Mom is very disoriented.
Jim: Who would’ve ever thought that an old hag like you would get stoned regularly?
David’s Mom: Hmmm?
Jim: Ah, let’s just hope someone is home to pay your fine. Wait, what the fuck?
David’s Mom: (snaps out of disoriented state) WHAT THE SHIT?
*The truck that lodged into the side of David’s house explodes forcing the cop car into the air and throws it onto the street. At the same time, David and Leigh are a block away when they hear and see the explosion.
David: Oh my God!
Leigh: Run, run, run!
*Alden is seen sitting in a hospital bed with a nurse just finishing mending his wounds.
Alden: Thanks doll.
Nurse: Oh, yeah, no problem.
*Alden hands the nurse a 100 dollar bill.
Alden: This is for, uh, you not seeing me. Okay?
Nurse: (surprised) Oh, sure. Thank you so much!
Alden: Just let me rest here for a minute then I’ll be on my way.
Nurse: Whatever you say.
*Nurse leaves room. Alden then takes out his cell phone.
Alden: Listen, the deal went to the shitter.
Voice on Phone (VOP): What now?
Alden: I want Vin’s men dead. I want them to fucking burn in hell and have their balls ripped out and shoved up their ass!
VOP: Harsh, much?
Alden: What?
VOP: Uh, nothing.
Alden: I want you and your men to take out those two fags: Scar and Legs. They stole my money. THAT WAS MY FUCKING MONEY!
VOP: Sure thing boss, but how will we find them? They could be anywhere by now?
Alden: Already taken care of. You know I always take care of my money! I put a tracker in the suitcase! What’s my fucking motto?
VOP: Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
Alden: Okay, bye. (shuts phone) I’m too old for this! Those two shitheads are fucking dead!
*David and Leigh are walking when they come across a motel. They walk into the head office to rent out a room.
David: Yeah, hello there, we’d like to rent a room for tonight.
Leigh: Yeah.
Clerk: (starring at the two boys) What type of room?
David: Um, preferably two beds, I guess.
Clerk: Wow.
Leigh: What?
Clerk: No, I’d just think that people like you guys would sleep in the same bed. You know?
Leigh: What the fuck?
David: No, heh, were not gay. Homos, I mean. Homosexuals. Butt buddies…. Yeah.
Leigh: Fuck no, I ain’t a fag.
Clerk: Well, I just assumed…
David: (jokingly) Well, you know what happens when you assume.
Clerk: Yeah, yeah, you make an ‘ass’ of ‘you’ and ‘me’.
David: Nope, wrong.
Clerk: We’ll I just assumed tha- oh! I get it.
*David and the clerk laugh while Leigh doesn’t.
Clerk: Good one!
David: I know, eh?
Leigh: Get a room.
*Clerk gives David a flirtatious look. David gives back a disgusted look.
Clerk: (clears throat) Alright, so a double bed room it is. That’ll be $69.78.
David: Okay.
Leigh: Faggot.
*David and Leigh leave for their room.
* The clerk starts to sing the song “Don’t Stop Believing” to himself. After a few seconds, he fades away and begins to cry.
Clerk: (holding back tears) Someday you’ll find him… Mr. Right… someday.
*We see a jail cell door close, with David’s Mom inside. She is wearing an inmate suit and has ashes and cuts all over her. She looks very flabbergasted. All of a sudden, Jim from the cop car enters the cell to have a talk. Jim is rattled as well.
David’s Mom: Yes?
Jim: You wanna tell me what the fuck happened back there?
David’s Mom: I don’t know. That truck was smashed into the corner of my house then next thing I knew…
Jim: ‘Boom’, yeah I know.
David’s Mom: Can you please let me go, I didn’t do anything.
Jim: Then explain the joint we found in your car.
David’s Mom: I don’t do weed… anymore.
Jim: Hm?
David’s Mom: Oh, nothing, heh.
Jim: So basically I believe you, we took from saliva samples from the toke and some from you and they didn’t match so you’re off the hook for that.
David’s Mom: Thank God.
Jim: But, there is still the issue as to where the toke came from and the issue about the truck. Now, I and my team of investigators have come up with the following conclusion: A madman drove his car into the side of your house while smoking weed and his toke flew out off his window and then it left the car and landed in the thing with the stuff…
*David’s Mom zones out after Jim says ‘…out of his window’ and she remembers Leigh flicking something at her before she left for the supermarket.
David’s Mom: WAIT! I know where the weed came from. My son’s douchebag friend! He smokes all the time! He could have flicked it into my hair while I was leaving to go to the supermarket!
Jim: Name?
David’s Mom: Leigh, I think that’s his name.
Jim: Leigh Walsh?
David’s Mom: Yeah! That’s his name! How did you know?
Jim: We busted him last year for smoking weed behind the school. However, that didn’t stop him from doing it again. We busted him doing weed behind the school around 5 more times until we got a judge to put a tracking ankle-bracelet on him!
David’s Mom: Wow.
Jim: And what about your son?
David’s Mom: Oh, David? Why, he is a good boy! He would never do anything bad!
*David’s Mom’s cell phone rings and she picks it up.
David’s Mom: Hold on, lemme just get this. Yes? Oh, hello Dave! Really? You brought money with you? Oh, alright. You’ll call me back later? Okay, then. Yep – bye!
Jim: So?
David’s Mom: He just told me that he and his other Asian friends are going to a trip to Ottawa for some comic book convention.
Jim: (enthusiastically with a hint of jealousy) Lucky!
*All of a sudden, another cop runs into the cell.
Cop: You’ll never believe this!
*The cop, Officer Jim, and David’s Mom walk down the halls of the police station and enter an investigation room.
Jim: So, what’s happening?
Cop: We found some clues from the rubble of the truck that exploded.
Jim: Elaborate.
Cop: As it happens, we found some clues that suggest that this truck was driven from a drug trade gone bad. The drug trade scene is located just 3 kilometers away from the house. The tire tracks match and I would bet any money that the people who drove away stole the money from the drug lord and drove off with it.
Jim: Any word on the drug lord?
Cop: We assume that it is Alden Stunch. He has been spotted in areas in and around the Toronto region.
David’s Mom: DIAREAHA!
*Jim and the other cop look at David’s Mom awkwardly.
David’s Mom: (embarrassed) Sorry, I just thought we needed some comic relief.
Cop: So, I guess we could safely assume that the following then happened:
Jim: Ah, heh, well that’s where you’re wrong. You know what happens when you assume?
Cop: You make an ‘ass’ of ‘you’ and ‘me’?
Jim: No, you just sometimes don’t assume correctly. Jeez, and no need to swear, by the way.
Cop: Okay then, footprints from the scene also reveal that there were two drivers in the car that fled down the street after the crash and also there was no sign of any money being burned so we think that the drivers took it when they fled.
Jim: Those sick sons of bitches are probably spending the money right now. Buying cars, electronics, boats, who knows? Um, can you leave me and her alone for a moment please? We need to discuss something.
Cop: Sure. (leaves)
Jim: So, uh, Mrs. Holmes. Can I call you Jenna?
David’s Mom: That isn’t even my name.
Jim: Whatever babe, lets say you and me go to a bar and have a little fun tonight?
David’s Mom: How did you know I wasn’t married?
Jim: Oh, are you?
David’s Mom: No, but I’m really aching for something.
Jim: Really? Well, how does coffee at my place sound? Maybe if things go well you can come with me and some of the boys to go and track Leigh down – see if he’s the one who stole the money.
David’s Mom: Mmmmm, sounds good.
*We see Leigh playing a pinball machine in the motel arcade with David standing beside him. Both are exhausted.
Leigh: Some day, eh?
David: Yeah. Listen, we have to get serious here.
Leigh: We are.
David: No, we aren’t. Jesus…
Leigh: Okay, (stops playing pinball) there. You have my undivided attention.
David: Chances are that the cops know about the accident by now, my mom is taken care of (she thinks I left after the explosion), and maybe the guys from the truck are on to us by now.
Leigh: If we wanna have fun with this money, we better do it tonight!
David: I suppose so, but…
Leigh: LETS GET FUCKING CRAZY!
*‘Check it Out’ by the Beastie Boys begins.
*David and Leigh are at a strip club, getting lap dances.
Leigh: I have a huge boner right now!
David: ME TOO!
*They high five each other.
*Leigh buys a huge bag of weed from a dealer.
*David and Leigh are at a club and are drunk and dancing horribly. Leigh is high.
David: I’m fucking owning the dance floor!
Leigh: Does being drunk and high at the same time make you sick?
David: I don’t fucking know!
*Leigh throws up all over David.
*David and Leigh are paintballing with other players.
Leigh: I have such a fucking hard-on right now!
*David and Leigh are at another strip club while getting lap dances.
David: This is the fucking good life!
Leigh: I’m starting to think that I shouldn’t have taken that Viagra before this night started.
*David and Leigh are at an expensive clothes store and buy suits for themselves.
*David and Leigh rent a Porsche and race it through the streets of downtown.
Leigh: I don’t have a license, I’m high, and I have a boner!
David: Watch the fuck out!
*They crash the Porsche into a tree. Music cuts out. They are both rattled from the crash and limp out of the car.
Leigh: (looking at David) I just shit myself.
*Music starts up from where it left off. David and Leigh are at another strip joint getting more lap dances.
Leigh: I just lost it.
*The song fades out. It is a bright and sunny morning. David and Leigh are both sleeping together in their hotel room. They are lying in awkward positions. David jolts as he is awakened by a knock at the door. Noticing he is naked, he throws on a pair of boxers and answers the door. Officer Jim is at the door.
Officer Jim: Why, hello there!
David: Who the hell are you? And what are you doing here so early?
Officer Jim: I’m looking for somebody by the name, Leigh.
David: Oh he’s right here – wait just a fucking second. How do you know Leigh?
Officer Jim: Are you David Holmes?
David: Yeah, wha -
Officer Jim: Just as I suspected.
*Jim shows David the tracking device that he has for Leigh’s ankle. Leigh wakes up and is in a very disoriented state.
Jim: Boy, Dave, is your mom ever going to be pissed!
Dave: What the fuck is going on here? What are you doing here?
Leigh: We don’t… didn’t… any… we are just… not illegal… didn’t do that.
Jim: Are you a retard?
Leigh: I just had to do it then I went to the stairs and had it then left it but I got some.
Jim: Your mom is going be very disappointed in you, Dave.
Dave: Does she know I’m in here?
Jim: Fuck yeah and you better believe it. She’s waiting in my squad car. Me and her had a good time last night – if you know what I mean!
*Jim makes a humping motion.
Jim: And guess what, I know exactly where the money is fucknuts. Don’t try and pull anything stupid.
*Jim points a gun at Dave while the other cops point theirs at Leigh.
Jim: Boss’ orders.
Leigh: Wait, what the fuck is this?
Jim: Stealing that drug money is a federal offense. You adults will be locked away for a long time once we prosecute you.
Dave: MOM!!!!!
Jim: Pfft, she can’t hear you. After all the screaming she did last night I bet she’s gone deaf.
*Jim and the other cops snicker.
Dave: Does she know about me stealing the cash?
Jim: No, she just thinks that Leigh stole it. Oh, right, you were supposed to be on some gay trip with some other chink friends of yours.
Dave: I’m not Chinese.
Jim: Well your mom sure ain’t! Lemme tell you something, you sure are lucky that she adopted you. She’s a beautiful woman – as I could tell from last night.
*Jim and the cops snicker.
Dave: HEY! FUCK YOU BUDDY!
*Jim and the cops stop snickering abruptly and stare at Dave.
Jim: What the fuck did you just say to me?
Dave: I said, “Fuck you... BUDDY!”
Leigh: Dave, just let it drop.
Jim: Be more like your white friend here, we always know what’s best.
*David’s Mom wakes up in the squad car. She sloppily gets up and walks over to a vending machine to buy a coke. Back in the room, the cops are going through the money and jokingly threatening Dave and Leigh.
*Scar and Legs are seen driving into the parking lot of the motel complex.
Scar: You’re a fucking prick. I can’t believe that those two douches beat us at paintball the other day.
Legs: WHAT?
Scar: Holy mother of fuck! We’ve gotta get your ear checked out bro’!
Legs: I KNOW. THE NINTENDO WII WAS JUST A GIMMICK.
Scar: Hey! A motel! Let’s go grab something to eat from that vending machine!
*Alden is at home relaxing on his couch when his phone rings.
Alden: Talk to me.
VOP: We’ve got the money.
Alden: What? Already? Good job.
VOP: Yeah, thanks.
Alden: Did you cap those two dumb-fucks? Legs and Scar?
VOP: Uh, not exactly.
Alden: What do you mean?
VOP: We got the money but not Scar and Legs.
Alden: Who had it then? Where the fuck are Scar and Legs?
VOP: Two little dipshits stole it. They’re teenagers, just graduated from high school. I have no idea where Scar and Legs are.
Alden: Kill the teens, leave Scar and Legs be. As long as I have the money to myself and the culprits six-feet-under then I’m good.
*It is revealed that Officer Jim is the man on the phone. He is standing whilst pointing a gun straight at Dave’s head.
Jim: Can do.
*Closes his phone.
Jim: Alright, so Dave – you’ll die from an ‘accident on your chink trip’. Leigh, we’ll say that you shot at us and that we killed you in defense.
*Leigh begins to whimper as Dave begins to think of a plan in his head.
Leigh: You fucking pig!
Dave: You’re a crooked cop! Fuck you!
Jim: Heh, I love my job.
*Jim lifts his gun inline with Dave’s eye and puts stress on the trigger. Dave kicks Jim in the balls and grabs the gun and points it at Jim’s head.
Dave: Yeah! What now? I’m calling the shots here! Make one fucking move and this fucker gets his brains splattered all over the floor!
*The other cops put their guns down and kneel with their hands behind their heads on the floor.
Dave: Leigh, grab the money and let’s leave!
Leigh: We don’t have a fucking car!
*Dave glances outside at the squad car.
Dave: We do now! Thanks boys.
*Dave and Leigh rush out of the room and into the cop car. Dave pulls the car out of park and begins to speed out of the parking lot. While speeding out, he notices his mom at a vending machine with two other guys standing beside her.
Dave: What the fuck? Oh shit! Mom!
*Dave and Leigh speed down a stretch of road.
*Back at the motel, Jim and the other cops point their guns at Scar and Legs (who are at the vending machine)
Jim: Don’t you fuckers move we have to use your truck –
*Jim pauses to stare closely at Scar and Legs.
Jim: (To David’s Mom) Go wait in that truck babe.
*David’s Mom goes and sits inside the truck.
Jim: Are you guys’ names Scar and Legs?
Legs: WHAT?
Scar: Well technically our names are John Willington and Anthony Finley, but yeah – you can call us that.
*Jim pulls another gun out of his pocket and proceeds to begin pulling the trigger on his gun. Before pulling it all the way Legs and Scar both jump through the window of a motel room and hide.
Jim: This is fucking bullshit! Finish them off!
*The two other cops begin to fire their guns at where Legs and Scar are hiding in the room.
Jim: Thank fucking God. Now let’s chase after those two dumbasses!
*Jim and the cops hop into Scar and Leg’s truck and drive off after Leigh and Dave. Jim then notices that David’s Mom isn’t in the truck.
Jim: What the hell?
*David’s Mom is running in the opposite direction from the motel.
David’s Mom: Holy shit! Those guys are fucking psychos. I can’t believe that I slept with Jim! Oh shit!
*Scar and Legs (not hurt at all) slowly sneak out of the motel room and hijack a random car in the parking lot. They then begin to chase after Jim.
Scar: To think that those motherfuckers thought they could kill us!
Legs: Yeah, I know!
Scar: That cop is one stupid mother – wait a sec! You can hear me?!?!
Legs: Yeah! I must’ve got my hearing back when those cops were shooting at us!
Scar: Let’s go cap those fucking pigs! Nobody messes with my crew!
*Awkward silence.
Scar: I mean us!
Legs: Let’s put on some tuneage.
Scar: Fuck yeah! Alright lets see…
*Audio is switched to the song ‘Blue’ by Eiffel 64.
Legs: This song is gay. Change it.
*Leigh and Dave are speeding down the road while the same song is playing. They begin to sing along to it.
Dave: I’m blue da bo de da bo die..
Leigh: … if I were green I would die, dab o de da bo die.
Dave: I’m pretty sure that they don’t say that in the song.
Leigh: What?
Dave: If I were green I would die.
Leigh: I’m pretty sure that it is. ‘Kay there buddy?
Dave: Alright chief…
*Long pause.
Dave: More like, ‘If I were Leigh I would die.’
*Nobody laughs but Dave.
Leigh: That was just horrible.
Dave: Fine, I’ll change the station.
*The song ‘& Down’ by Boys Noize begins to play. Just as the song changes, a hail of bullets shatter the back window of the squad car. Jim’s truck cuts ahead of their squad car. The other two cops begin to shoot at the windshield. Dave and Leigh scream and duck their heads. The bullets do no damage.
Dave: HAH! Bulletproof windshield!
*They raise their heads.
Dave: Leigh, go check in the back for something we can shoot them with.
*Leigh moves into the back seat and rummages around for a weapon.
*The camera then pans through the back window of the squad car where you can see Scar and Legs driving their car in back of them.
*Leigh then grabs a rocket launcher from the back of the car and moves up to the front seat.
Dave: What the fuck? Where did you get that from?
Leigh: Backseat.
Dave: Why the fuck would cops have a fucking rocket launcher in the fucking back seat of their car?
Leigh: Who gives a shit! One of these rockets can easily take out those cops for good. It’ll be clear sailing from there on!
*Leigh proceeds to point the rocket launcher out the window of the car.
Dave: Do you even know how to use it?
Leigh: Relax, these are my video game skills being put to use.
*Leigh carefully aims the rocket at the truck ahead of them. He activates it but the rocket shoots in the opposite direction and blows up the car in back of them. Leigh pointed the launcher in the wrong direction. Leigh throws the launcher out of the car and turns back towards Dave.
Leigh: There was a malfunctioning mechanical component unit in that particular rocket propelled grenade launcher.
Dave: You dumb sack of shit!
Leigh: Jeez.
*Leigh goes back into the back seat and pulls out a few grenades and a machine gun.
Dave: What the fuck is up with these cops?
*Leigh proceeds to shoot out the trucks tires.
*Jim is in the truck, noticing that his tires have been popped.
Jim: Why the fuck didn’t you retards think of that?
*Leigh pulls the pins out of all the grenades and chucks them all at the truck at the same time. The grenades explode and make the truck do a flip and then crash into the ground upside down.
Dave and Leigh: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
*Dave and Leigh speed faster down the road and away from the devastation that they had caused. The music stops.
*Jim and the other cops and beaten, cut, and bruised in their overturned truck. They are all still alive.
Jim: I just shit myself.
*Legs is seen running towards his blown up car. Scar is inside and he is badly hurt. Scar’s body is stuck under the steering wheel. Legs grabs his hands and pulls him out of the car. While doing so, Scar gets painfully ripped in half. Guts splatter all over the ground and they are both covered in blood. Scar is in excruciating pain.
Scar: You dumbfuck!
Legs: (crying) Sorry!
Scar: If there one thing you do…
Legs: Yeah?
Scar: Get that money back for me, Legs. Fuck Vin!
*Scar coughs blood all over the place. Sad music fades in.
Legs: I will! For you!
Scar: Take this…
*Scar reaches his hand towards Legs and hands him the second half of a BFF necklace.
Scar: Best friends forever… (screams in pain)… my time is up, pal. Have a good one. Fulfill my dying wish!
Legs: YES SIR!
*Legs begins to run away from the crash. However, he runs very slowly.
Scar: (to himself) Why do we call him Legs? He runs as slow like as shhhhhh – argh – shit!
*Scar dies. Sad music fades out.
*David’s Mom is walking across a vacant field. She is very tired and collapses on the grass. After lying on the grass for a while, she begins to hear sounds. It sounds like people playing at a beach. She walks towards the noise and, from a distance; she can see that she had come across a nudist colony. She walks closer and talks to some of the people there. She is given a room to stay in – as long as she stays nude.
David’s Mom: What the hell? No, I will not become a nudist! Just give me a phone so I can call somebody to pick me up. I’ve had a rough night!
Male Nudist: I’m afraid I can’t let you do that.
David’s Mom: What?
Male Nudist: We will convert you. We must convert you.
*Other nudists close in on David’s Mom and corner her.
David’s Mom: Wait! Fuck! What are you doing?
*David’s Mom screams as the screen fades to black.
*Dave and Leigh are driving in their beaten up squad car. It is becoming dark outside.
Leigh: We should call it a night.
*The car runs out of gas and slows down until it halts.
Dave: Balls.
*Dave and Leigh both push the car over to the side of the road, take the suitcase out, and walk into an empty field. At the end of the field there is a forest. They walk into the forest and lay down.
Dave: What a day.
Leigh: Yep.
Dave: I think we may have killed somebody.
Leigh: Probably… hey, mind if I burn?
Dave: Go ahead.
*Leigh proceeds to take a pre-made joint out of his pocket. He then lights it up and smokes it. Dave begins to cough from all of the smoke.
Dave: Okay! Enough! Put that shit out, man!
Leigh: Why? Then I’d be wasting like 5 bucks.
Dave: Are you serious?
Leigh: What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
Dave: How can you be so relaxed at a time like this?
*Leigh shows the joint to Dave.
Dave: Point taken, but still.
Leigh: Here we go again…
Dave: We could fucking die tonight!
Leigh: How?
Dave: Those crazy cops could fucking track us down and then kill us!
Leigh: Don’t be ridiculous!
Dave: And, oh my fucking God, we killed people today! People who hadn’t done any harm to us!
*David and Leigh stand up.
Leigh: Those cops fucking tried to kill us!
Dave: No, shitbrains! The people behind us! Remember your little rocket launcher incident?
Leigh: (chuckles) Oh yeah… heh.
Dave: Jeez.
Leigh: You could really use some of this shit right now.
Dave: No! I don’t need fucking weed. You don’t need fucking weed! I don’t even know why you smoke it!
Leigh: Well maybe ‘cause it’s my choice!
Dave: Oh, what? You choose to get high?
Leigh: Yes, even it is at the expense of my future.
Dave: How could you be so fucking shellfish, rude, ignorant and fucking retarded?
Leigh: Heh, you said shellfish.
Dave: Fuck you!
Leigh: You’re just fucking jealous that you’ve never done anything with your life up until now!
Dave: What are you talking about? I’ve accomplished way more than you! Valedictorian anyone?
Leigh: You’ve never even touched a beer!
Dave: Yeah! That one time in grade 10!
*Cut back to when David was in grade 10. David’s Mom is throwing a family party and is holding a beer.
Young Dave: Can I try some mom?
David Mom: Sure!
*She hands Dave the beer for a sip. David takes a sip.
Young Dave: This isn’t that bad –
*Dave throws up all over the floor. Cut back to present time.
Leigh: Fuck you!
Dave: No you! You’re just a worthless lowlife with no future. Yeah, my ass that you’ll star in porn. You’ll probably end up dying on the streets.
Leigh: Oh! It all fucking comes out now!
Dave: I’ve wasted my life on you!
Leigh: Who ever forced you to hang with me? I never did! Oh wait…
Dave: Don’t go there… don’t you dare fucking go there man…
Leigh: Is it because you have no other friends?
*Pause.
Dave: Fuck you man.
*David turns the other way and tries to arrange a place for him to lay down. He is upset.
Leigh: Hah! That’s hilarious! You have no other friends!
Dave: Fuck you Leigh. Piece of shit.
Leigh: You’re pathetic.
Dave: That’s it!
*Dave, without hesitation, swings around and punches Leigh in the face. Leigh gets knocked out.
*Legs is walking along the side of a road. He begins to sing to himself. Jim and the other cops are sneaking behind him.
Legs: Jesus loves me. He loves me a bunch. ‘Cause he puts Skippy…
Jim: …in my lunch.
*Legs screams hysterically.
Jim: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Relax there buddy!
Legs: Don’t kill me!
Jim: We’re not here to kill you. .. (gasps) IS THAT AN ICE CREAM TRUCK?
Legs: Where?!?
*Jim then signals his men to pin Legs down. Legs is squirming on the ground as Jim pulls out a device.
Jim: Now you are going to do what we say. Listen to me. Those two dipshit kids stole Alden’s money…
Legs: You work for Alden?
Jim: …yes, shut up. Now, the kids know that we will try and kill them. So I and my men can’t retrieve the money from them. This is where you come in.
Legs: Hey what is that?
*Legs points at the device.
Jim: This is the worst boss that you’ll ever have. He’ll be hot on your ass and follow you wherever you go to make sure that you do your job. This will assure myself that you will get the job done if it is the last thing that you ever do.
*Long pause.
Legs: Wha?
Jim: It’s a fucking strap-on –
*Legs smirks as the other cops chuckle.
Jim: What’s so funny? Oh, heh, I get it. My bad!
*Everyone laughs.
Jim: So yeah, this is a strap-on bomb.
*Everyone stops laughing. Jim begins to strap the bomb onto Legs’ leg.
Legs: What the fuck?
Jim: Stay still!
*Jim finishes putting the bomb on.
Legs: I don’t even know where those kids are!
Jim: We’ve got it under control. They stole our squad car. Our squad car has a tracking device built into it. The second they turn the car on, I just have to check our police database and track it down. Take this cell phone too. You know? So we can keep it touch.
*Jim gives Legs a cell phone.
Legs: So why did you put that fucking bomb on me then?
Jim: Well, for starters, to make sure that you stick to your mission. Actually, forget ‘for starters’ ‘cause that’s the only reason. Oh yeah, don’t try to take that fucker off. It has a chip inside that can tell if it’s being tampered with. Once that chip notices that shits going down… boom. The bomb also doubles as a tracking device. If I see that you try and leave the Toronto area then I just fucking press the detonator and…
*Jim lets out a massive fart. There is a long silence.
Jim: Are we clear?
*Legs nervously nods.
Jim: Boys, I think I need new underwear.
*Jim and his men leave the scene. Legs then continues to walk down the road and rests in a vacant field. As Legs lays down he stares at the stars. He pulls out his BFF necklace and kisses it then puts it back into his pant pocket. The song “The Weight (Cover)” by Weezer begins to play.
*Legs glances at the bomb.
Legs: Fuck.
*A title on the screen reading: June 26th.
*Dave is both sleeping in the same part of the forest that he was in before. Leigh is seen smashing his ankle-tracking bracelet.
Leigh: Son of a bitch!
*David’s Mom is seen, nude, playing volleyball at the nudist beach. “Conveniently placed objects” block everyone’s private parts from showing.
*Jim and his men are seen shopping for underwear.
*Alden is sitting on his couch at home; recovering from his wounds. He has a blank look on his face. Alden then pulls out his cell phone and calls Jim. The music fades into the background.
Alden: Jim, we need to talk.
Jim: Sure, what?
Alden: I feel really bad for allowing you to kill those kids. Like, really, really, really, super bad. I think I’m going to hell.
Jim: Well hold the fuck on!
Alden: What?
Jim: I haven’t told you what happened after we met them yesterday!
Alden: What the hell happened? You didn’t kill them?
Jim: Fuck no! Those dirty rascals fucking evaded us, stole our cop car and shot at us! They even killed Scar!
Alden: Wait! What the fuck? Scar was there?!
Jim: Yeah, they just happened to be at the motel right after I called you!
Alden: And Legs?
Jim: I’m no shitbrain, sir, I took care of him.
Alden: Explain.
Jim: I attached a bomb to his foot. I just told him to find the kids. That way he’d have to do his job or else he’ll get fucked.
Alden: Where in the world do you get all of your weapons?
Jim: From a very, very, very reliable source. That’s not important though. Those two dipshits shot at me. That’s an act of war!
Alden: Well no shit! It’s just human nature. They fought back cause you shot first. Anyway, I’d feel a lot better if I just let this whole thing slide. I don’t need the money. Live and let live.
Jim: Alden, I’m never had any fucking beef with you until now. How could you tell me to let those kids go?
Alden: Cause they’re KIDS!
Jim: Fuck you! I don’t need this shit and I don’t need you! I’m going to cap those two fucking kids and that fatass Legs! You can’t fucking stop me!
*Alden slams his phone on a coffee table. He sits there for a few seconds then pulls out his phone again. He dials a number and begins to talk.
Alden: Yeah boys. Listen, when you bring those drugs into port come well armed. I need you guys to make a fucking hit for me. Yes, his name is Officer Jim Hutchens. I’m sending you his information right now.
*Music fades back in. Title on screen shows: June 30th.
*Dave and Leigh are seen staggering through blistering heat towards a gas station. They still are upset at each other. They get to the station and buy some bas in a barrel. While walking back to the squad car, Dave falls down several times from exhaustion. Every time he falls, Leigh helps him up.
*David’s Mom is seen at the nudist colony where a meeting is being held. Signs are seen that read: Nude Parade 2008 – July 10th – Downtown Toronto.
*Legs is seen walking around various vacant fields.
*Officer Jim and his men are seen at a party passing around a bong. Jim then receives a notice on his phone that tells him where his squad car is.
*Title on screen shows: July 3rd.
*It is nighttime and Leigh is driving the car while Dave is sleeping in the passenger seat. Leigh notices that there is a tracker in the police car in the glove compartment. Music abruptly stops. Leigh glances in the back seat and sees a large assortment of weapons. He shakes Dave awake as he pulls the car over to the side of a country road and drives into a farmer’s field.
Leigh: Dave! Wake up man! We could be fucking tracked down!
Dave: What? How?
*Leigh and Dave step out of the car. Dave is holding the money while Leigh takes all of the weapons out of the back of the car. Leigh hands Dave a machine gun.
Leigh: Take this. Don’t shoot yet.
Dave: Leigh. Leigh? Leigh! What the fuck is this for?
*Leigh dumps all of the left over gas all over the car. He then walks towards Dave and holds a machine gun in his hand.
Leigh: So, yeah, there’s a tracking device in the car. Chances are that the cops will know where we are as long as the car is turned on.
Dave: Holy shit!
Leigh: Yeah, I know. So listen, if the game Grand Theft Auto has ever taught me anything this is how to blow up a fucking car in style.
*Leigh fires several rounds at the front of the car.
Leigh: Dave, go shoot! Let’s blow this mother up!
*Dave empties his gun onto the engine of the car. They both stand in awe looking at the car as it burns on fire.
Dave: Hey, Leigh! So, uh, how far do we have to be from the car?
Leigh: Uh –
*The car explodes sending debris and smoke into the air. Dave and Leigh are both propelled backwards as the car explodes. They are thrown into a bush and are both covered in dust and ashes. They both jolt up.
Dave: What the fuck was that? Are you retarded we could’ve been killed!
Leigh: Holy fuck that was awesome! Can you feel that?
Dave: Feel what?
Leigh: The blood rushing through your fucking veins man! That’s the rush you’ve been looking for your whole life man!
*Silence.
Dave; You’re right man. I can’t fucking believe it, buy, yeah, you are right. I can literally feel the rush. This is so fucking awesome!
A wide shot of the scene reveals David having a boner. Leigh glances at it.
Leigh: Yeah, you may want to settle down there.
David: Yeah, let’s chill here for a few minutes then ditch.
*Legs is seen stumbling through a field when he sees a glowing light in the distance with smoke coming from it. Legs then runs closer to it but stops when he hears voices. He ducks and stays low on the ground. Legs then notices that the two people there are David and Leigh. The thinks to himself for a seconds then runs up to them.
Legs: What the fuck?
*David and Leigh scream.
Legs: What the fuck is this? A blown up car?
David: Who the fuck are you, buddy?
Legs: I’m the fucking owner of this farm.
*David and Leigh stand silent.
Leigh: Oh shit, uh, sir, heh, we just found this car here.
Legs: Bullshit.
David: Leigh, Leigh, heh, just let me handle this. Um sir, we are going to be completely honest with you. These mentally insane cops were chasing us and we needed to lose them because they had a tracker in the car. So, we blew it up.
Legs: I’ve heard enough of this bullshit, you boys are coming with me.
Leigh: What? Dave let’s just dip.
Legs: I don’t think that would be such a wise idea.
*Legs pulls out a pistol.
Legs: Follow me boys.
*The boys start walking ahead of Legs as he points the gun at them.
Leigh: Sir, um, isn’t your house the other way? We’re walking towards Downtown Toronto.
Legs: Just keep walking…
*The three guys walk into the office of a motel. It is early morning and the sun is about to rise. Legs is holding the gun in the pocket of his pants, still pointed at David. Dave then begins to carry out a conversation with the clerk.
Dave: Uh, room for three please?
Clerk: How many beds?
*Dave and Leigh notice that the clerk looks strangely like the clerk they met before.
Leigh: Listen, you gay fuck! We want 3 fucking separate beds, don’t go on a whole shit thing again. Dave, don’t say the joke. Clerk, you don’t fucking sing another Journey song. And, also, nobody fucking make fun of the fact that this farmer guy looks like he has a boner.
*Wide shot to show that Legs’ gun bulge looks like a boner.
Clerk: I’ll see what I can get you guys.
*Legs, Leigh, and Dave walk into a crappy looking motel room. There are 2 beds and one couch.
Dave: I call bed!
Leigh: Dibs on second.
Legs: Fuck.
*Leigh and Dave lay in their beds as Legs prepares the couch for him to sleep on.
Legs: Just so nothing funny happens I’ve rigged the door with an explosive.
*Close up shot of a melted bar of soap nailed to the door.
Legs: And so none of you guys steal my gun.
Legs tucks the gun into his crotch.
Legs: Good night.
*Legs shuts off the lights and everyone lays silent for a few seconds.
Leigh: Hey, farmer dude.
Legs: Call me Legs.
Leigh: Um alright, Legs. What are you going to do to us? You gonna kill us? Just a heads-up Dave is Asian and he knows kung-fu.
Legs: I don’t know what I’m gonna do with you boys. I’ll think of something to do tomorrow.
*Silence.
Dave: Legs?
Legs: Yeah, what?
Dave: Did you put your gun on safety?
Legs: Oh, shit! Thanks kid!
*Legs reaches down his pants. A wide shot of the outside of the motel room shows a flash of white light in the window as a gunshot is heard.
Legs: FUCK! MY COCK!
Dave: Shit, sorry Legs!
Legs: MY COCK! TAKE ME TO A FUCKING HOSPITAL!
Leigh: You rigged the fucking door with explosives how are we supposed to get out?
Legs: It’s a fucking bar of soap nailed on you retard!
Legs: Pull the gun out of my pants!
Dave: Leigh, do it!
Leigh: I’m fucking trying the un-jam the soap from the door.
Dave: Shit.
Legs: Just do it kid!
Dave: You owe me big time. Both of you!
*Dave reaches down Legs’ pants and pulls out the gun. The gun is covered in blood and a white liquid.
Dave: I think I’m gonna throw up!
*Dave throws the gun into the toilet in the washroom. Everyone runs out of the room. Legs then kicks open the window of a parked car and jump-starts it. Everyone gets into the car.
Legs: YES! The car has a GPS thingie! What’s-yer-name, type in ‘hospital’.
Dave: My name is Dave, sure. By the way, you better not fucking kill us tomorrow.
*Legs starts driving towards a hospital.
Legs: Okay the story is that we were all at a gay bar and fight broke out and I got shot in the dick. No wait! I was fucking getting it on with some random gay guy and he reaches his hand down my pants and shot me! There! Now that’s a fucking solid excuse!
Leigh: We’ll back you up man don’t worry! God bless free health-care.
*Everyone rushes into a hospital. Legs runs up to the front desk.
Legs: I got shot in the dick. Long story.
Nurse: Bring this man to ER. Stat!
*Legs and the nurse rush into an ER room while Dave and Leigh follow.
*The screen fades to black.
*The screen fades in as Legs in seen lying in a hospital bed. Dave and Leigh are sitting beside him. It is the morning.
*Title on screen shows: July 4th.
Legs: How’s my cock?
Leigh: You lost one ball and had to get your ball sack stitched up.
Dave: You dick might be a few centimeters shorter now. It may hurt when you piss.
Legs: Thanks boys.
*Legs’ phone rings.
Legs: Could you boys just leave me alone for a second?
Dave and Leigh: Sure thing.
*Dave and Leigh leave the room.
Dave: Should we ditch?
Leigh: Nah, this guy is pretty cool. We’ll see where thing goes.
*Legs is talking on his phone to Jim.
Jim: What the fuck are you doing in a fucking hospital?
Legs: Long story.
Jim: Well?
Legs: I got shot in the dick.
Jim: Was it those two little pricks?
Legs: No it was an accident! My mistake, actually. Listen, those guys saved my life. Where are you anyway?
Jim: In the waiting room of the hospital.
Legs: You can’t kill those kids man.
Jim: You know what I can do to you if you don’t follow the mission right?
Legs: Sorry, I just can’t do that to those kids.
Jim: You’re lucky this tracker doesn’t say which floor you’re on. Once we get within 50 meters of you, you’re fucked.
*Jim puts the phone up to his ass and farts.
Jim: Boom.
*Jim hangs up the phone and he and his men start running up the stairwell.
Legs: Shit! Boys get the fuck in here!
*David and Leigh rush into the room.
Legs: We need to get out of here.
Leigh: Why?
Legs: What’s your name again?
Leigh: Leigh.
Legs: I’m going to be completely honest with you. I’m not a farmer. My name is Legs and I used to work for a drug-lord named Vin. Vin fucking crossed another drug-lord named Alden and now he’s sending his team of crooked-cops after us.
Dave: Officer Jim?
Legs: Yeah! Anyway, Jim told me to catch you guys for him to kill or else I get blown to bits using this ankle-bomb attached to my ankle! If those guys come within 50 meters of us then I’m fucked and they’ll kill you guys! Oh yeah, they’re running up to this room as we speak! Someone think of a plan!
Dave: I think I’ve got a plan. How many floors are we up by?
Leigh: 5th floor, I think.
Dave: Legs, get off the bed!
*Legs gets off the bed and Dave pushes the mattress out the window of the room.
Dave: If my calculations are correct then we will land on the mattress and inflict, at most, minimal bruises to our body.
Legs: What the fuck? Are you sure?
Dave: I’ve been taken advanced math for the last 4 years of my life. This is the most sure I’ll ever be in my life.
*Dave runs and jumps out the window.
Leigh: Don’t worry about it Legs!
*Leigh jumps out the window.
Legs: You’ve got to be kidding me!
*Legs, reluctantly, jumps out the window. Legs lands on the mattress just as Dave pulls up to him in the car.
Dave: Get in!
*Leigh and Legs rush into the car. Dave steps on the gas and drives out of the parking lot. Just as the car leaves the parking lot, Jim and his men burst through the door and starts firing blankly at the room while Jim presses the detonator. Once everyone runs out of bullets, they walk up to the window and notice the mattress on the ground.
Jim: FUCK!
*Jim kicks a chair across the room and it slams into a nurse, seriously injuring her.
Jim: FUCK!
*Dave drives all of the way to Downtown Toronto and parks the car in front of a fancy hotel. Dave then rents a penthouse suite. Legs, Leigh, and Dave are seen in the room sitting on a bed. There is only one bed in the room.
Leigh: Why the fuck didn’t you ask for another bed?!
Dave: It was all they had!
Legs: Well boys, I think we better call it a night.
Leigh: It’s only 5 in the afternoon!
Legs: Well my balls hurt and I need to lay down.
*Legs crawls under the covers of the bed. He then starts to snore loudly.
Dave: There is no fucking way I’m sleeping in that bed.
Leigh: I’m going out onto the balcony. Coming?
Dave: Yeah.
*David and Leigh are on the balcony. They are both leaning on the railing, looking at the streets below.
Leigh: We have to straighten some shit out.
Dave: Hm? What do you mean?
Leigh: I mean we have to straighten some shit out. Well, alright. No so much you, but me. Wait! That doesn’t make any sense. Dave, man, I mean –
*Dave laughs.
Dave: Are you asking me out?
Leigh: What the fuck? Pfft, no. You wish. Faggot.
Dave: Then what?
Leigh: Okay, I’m going to be completely honest with you here. I’m fucking scared that you’re going to university.
Dave: What do you mean?
Leigh: I mean, I’m scared in the sense that we aren’t going to hang out with each other anymore. What the fuck am I supposed to do now?! God knows that I’m not going to fucking star in porn. I have shitty grades, what am I going to do?
Dave: You just notice this now?
Leigh: Well… yeah. I guess.
*Dave laughs.
Leigh: You could take this a bit more fucking seriously, you know!
Dave: Well what do you want me to say about that?
Leigh: Well, have you notices my change in behaviour over the past few days?
Dave: Yeah, I guess you’ve been a bit more responsible… given the situation that we are in!
Leigh: Look at my eyes!
Dave: What? Fuck no. Why?
Leigh: Just look.
*Hesitantly, Dave glances closer into Leigh’s eyes.
Dave: Yeah, they look like eyes. Big deal.
Leigh: They are not fucking bloodshot you idiot! That means I haven’t blazed for the last couple of days!
Dave: Big deal! Do you want me to be impressed? You know, a lot of people don’t smoke weed and they lead normal lives.
Leigh: Yeah, well it’s a big deal for me!
Dave: You’re whining like a little bitch!
Leigh: I need this money Leigh. I’m willing to do anything in my fucking mind to keep it. It’s my only hope in life to make it big.
Dave: ‘Make it big’ as in becoming well-known or as in –
Leigh: Penis enlargement. Dave, you’ve gotta fucking understand this from my point of view.
Dave: I’m too tired for this. Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch…
Leigh: Fuck you! So you’re allowed to be open with your emotions and I’m not? That’s fucking racist!
Dave: I’ve had enough of this, I’m going to bed. Goodnight Leigh.
Leigh: It’s 5 o’clock!
Dave: Goodnight.
*It is morning. Legs is sleeping in the bed, Dave is sleeping on the couch, and Leigh is sleeping on the floor.
*Title: July 5th
*Everyone gets up and walks over to the kitchen table and everyone starts to eat breakfast.
Legs: Uh, thanks for everything guys.
Dave: No problem.
Legs: Did I mention to you guys that the bomb on my ankle also doubles as a tracking device?
Dave: Not the best way to start a conversation, Legs.
Legs: Okay guys, I have a plan. It will get us all out of this alive and we will become filthy fucking rich! Who’s in?
Leigh: What’s the plan?
Legs: Officer Jim’s job is to kill us and get the money back, right? But I don’t think that Alden, the drug-lord who wants the money back, knows that you guys are kids. So, I say that we go to where the drug shipment in coming in and give them the money back there.
Leigh: So we went through all of this fucking trouble just to end up where we started?!
Dave: I’ve gotta take a piss, tell me the rest of the plan later.
*Dave leaves to the washroom.
Legs: Let me finish my plan! So, I say that we take half of the money out of the briefcase and put fake money in instead. We will split the rest of the money between us. That way, Alden’s men won’t kill us, since he sees that you guys are kids and I’m protecting you and we won’t notice that some of his money is gone. At least not right away.
Leigh: Dude, that is the most fucking genius plan ever!
*Dave comes back from the washroom.
Leigh: Dave, Legs just came up with the best plan ever!
Dave: Guys, before you get any further, I just have to say something. Uh, I’m going home.
Legs and Leigh: What?
Dave: I don’t need this guys! I have my future planned out for me! I’m getting into UofT… on a scholarship! Just give me like 1000 bucks and let me go home. I don’t want to risk my life for nothing.
Leigh: What do you mean for nothing? Dave, we will be fucking millionaires if we pull this off!
Dave: “IF”! It’s that ‘if’ factor that makes me not want to do it. You guys could die out there! I have too much too live for to die so young.
*Dave takes a wad of cash from the briefcase.
Dave: So, uh, bye. Nice meeting you Legs and Leigh don’t do anything fucking stupid.
*Dave begins to walk towards the door.
Leigh: (to Legs) He won’t leave for good. Just watch: (aloud) David Holmes! You fucking pussy! You’re a worthless piece of shit! Fuck you! Retard!
*Dave exits the door and slams it behind him.
Leigh: He’ll be back. Watch. 5…4…3…2…1…
*Leigh and Legs stand there, looking at the door for a few seconds.
Leigh: Fuck…
*Dave is seen driving a car along a road. He glances at a road sign that reads ‘30km from Toronto.” He sighs and pulls the car over to the side of the road. He rests his head on the steering wheel.
Dave: What the hell am I doing?
*Dave makes a U-Turn and starts driving the car back to Downtown Toronto.
Dave: Shit, I can’t go back to see them.
*Dave is seen renting out another hotel room in the same building as before. He gets into his hotel room and calls his mom. Since nobody is at his house, there is no answer.
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Post by Movie Lord Productions on Jul 10, 2008 12:40:21 GMT -5
Dave: Could it be? She died in the explosion? MOM! No, wait, I saw her at that motel! Could Jim had? NO! FUCK!
*Dave collapses on the floor and begins to wimper.
*Leigh and Legs are in their hotel room. Legs brings out a map of the pier that the drug shipment is coming in at.
Legs: Alright, so you and me will casually walk in from the front. They won’t shoot as long as they see you. Understand?
Leigh: Yeah.
Legs: At that point I’ll tell them to let me see the drug supplier. We’ll have a little talk with him; he’ll probably call Alden to make sure that this could be legit. We give him the cash, no harm done…. Until they find out the truth. By then, me and you could be in fucking Mexico or some shit!
Leigh: Let’s go get some fake money!
*Legs and Leigh are seen walking into a toy store with two shopping carts. They run into the board-game section and see hundreds of boxes of Monopoly. Legs and Leigh are then seen paying for hundreds of boxes of Monopoly at the cash register, holding up a long line of people behind them. When they get back to the hotel room, they are seen stuffing the suitcase with all of the fake money while taking the real money for themselves. The screen fades to black.
*Title: July 10th
*It is early morning; a ship is seen docking at Pier 16. The crew and captain come out of the ship and begin to move packages of drugs to a warehouse nearby.
*David walks up to Legs and Leigh’s hotel room and knocks on the door. Leigh opens the door and Dave walks in.
Leigh: Well?
Dave: I’m sorry guys. I’m just under a lot of stress right now… I don’t know what came over me. Sorry.
Legs: So you’re back?
Dave: Back in Black.
*Silence.
Leigh: Just don’t make any jokes. Okay?
Dave: Deal.
Legs: Dave, put this suit on okay?
*Legs throws Dave a suit to wear. Dave catches it and begins to put it on.
Dave: Whoa, this shit is expensive.
Legs: If we’re going to do this. We’re gonna do it with style.
Leigh: Let’s get into the Jag.
*Legs is seen driving the Jaguar to Pier 16 while Dave and Leigh sit in the back with the suitcase.
Dave: So you switch the money with fake money?
Leigh: Yeah, Legs transferred the money to his bank account. Afterwards, we’ll all go to the bank and get our share.
Dave: Let’s do this.
*Legs pulls the Jaguar up into Pier 16. Everyone steps out of the car and walks up to the drug supplier.
Drug Supplier: Alden told me that you might come.
Legs: Oh really? What else did he say?
Drug Supplier: He said to not kill you and the boys.
*Officer Jim is seen stealthily moving around the pier.
Dave: Well, here’s the money. No hard feelings.
*Dave hands the supplier the suitcase.
*All of a sudden, Jim comes out from behind a box and holds a gun to Dave’s head. Instantly, the drug supplier and all of his henchmen point their guns at Jim.
Dave: You again? Fuck off!
Jim: Put your guns down or this kid dies!
*Everyone lowers their guns.
Drug Supplier: Alden told me to watch out for you. He gave me orders to kill you.
Jim: Fuck Alden! The rules have changed now! You may want to count the money again before you make anymore radical decisions.
Leigh: No! Jim put a bomb in there!
*Everyone glances at Leigh.
Leigh: It’s all I could think of.
*The drug supplier opens the suitcase and sees that the bottom half of it is filled with fake money.
Drug Supplier: (laughing) You fuckheads think you could con Alden and me?!
Jim: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Not me! They did! Just kill them!
Drug Supplier: I don’t give a fuck about the money! Alden is paying me serperately. Just the fact that you fucking try to con us makes me sick to my stomach! You’re all fucking dead!
Legs: They’re just kids!
Drug Supplier: He’s right. So we’ll just kill you and Jim! I’m a nice guy, so I’ll tell you what: I’ll give you ‘till the count of 5 to leave before my men open fire. 1…
Jim: Everyone get in the car!
*Jim, Legs, Leigh, and Dave all rush into the car.
Drug Supplier: 2…
*Legs starts the car and begins to drive back to the hotel.
Drug Supplier: 5!
*The drug supplier and his men hop into their own cars and chase after them.
*In the Jaguar, Jim still has his gun pointed at Dave’s head.
Jim: Where the fuck are we going?
Legs: The hotel!
Jim: Why?
Legs: I’ve got a plan!
Dave: Eat shit, Jim!
*Dave punches Jim in the face and grabs his gun, in the process the gun fires off several times in the car and causes the windshield to shatter. Leigh grabs the gun and points it at Jim’s head.
Leigh: You mother fuc –
*Jim kicks Leigh the in balls. Leigh then fires the gun at random and it shoots Jim in the foot.
Leigh: (in pain) – ker…. Ugh.
Jim: My foot! Fuck!
*Dave punches Jim in the face.
Dave: You motherfucker!
Jim: Dave, you’re mom was fucking amazing in bed!
*Dave punches Jim in the balls and spits on him.
*All of a sudden, the drug dealers shoot out their tires. Legs looks through his rear-view mirror and notices 10 cars chasing him.
Legs: Fuck! Do something!
*Leigh grabs Jim’s pistol and sticks his body out of the windshield. He turns around and shoots at the people chasing him.
*Dave grabs Jim by the hair and smashes his head against the window. The window breaks open and Jim gets shards of glass stuck in his face. Jim then screams in pain.
*Leigh notices that he only has one bullet left in the gun. He quickly looks around for something to shoot at. He notices a hot-dog vendor. He carefully aims his shot then shoots at the gas tank on the barbeque. It explodes and sends multiple cars flying into the air.
Leigh: WOOOOOOOOOOOO!
*A helicopter then lowers itself on top of the Jaguar. Two drug-dealing henchmen then jump from the helicopter and onto the roof of the car. The helicopter stays just above the car at all times. Legs swerves the car from side-to-side. The two henchmen on the roof of the car get frightened so they grab onto the helicopter. Dave grabs onto the ankles of one of the henchmen.
Dave: You fucking pussies! Come and fight me!
*The helicopter begins to lift off of the ground thus lifting the car up as well. The henchman that Dave is holding on to gets his feet torn off due to the tension. Blood splatters all over Dave’s face. The Jaguar falls onto the ground and Dave is seen inside, holding two feet in his hands.
Dave: Gross!
*Dave whips the feet at the helicopter. The helicopter then loses stability and crashes into the streets and explodes.
*David’s Mom is seen at the street beside the hotel that Dave is staying at. She is marching in the nudist parade that the nudist colony was planning. She sees Dave, Leigh, Legs, and Jim drive towards the hotel. She begins to run into the hotel. Legs drives the car directly through the front door of the hotel. The car then skids, out of control, into the front desk of the hotel. In the process, the car runs over dozens of people.
*Legs, Dave, Leigh, and Jim run up the staircase of the building.
Legs: We’ve gotta get to the roof!
Jim: Why the fuck would we do that?
Legs: I got a helicopter to come pick us up he’s waiting on the roof right now!
*Jim, Leigh, Dave, and Legs rush onto the roof. Legs signals the helicopter to start.
Dave: Why the fuck are we letting Jim come with us?!?
*Everyone stares at each other blankly.
Dave: Well?
Jim: If you leave me here Dave, I will see to it that you never get into U of T and end up in prison for the rest of your life. Same goes for you Leigh.
Leigh: Jokes on you! I’m not getting into U of T! Haha!
Jim: I meant going to prison.
Dave: Fuck you!
Jim: Oh really? Fuck me? If anybody is getting fucked right now its Legs. You fucking fatty. You die here!
Legs: What?
*Jim shows everyone the detonator to the ankle bomb.
Dave and Leigh: No!
Legs: Guys, stand back. Jim, come on man, don’t fucking do this to me!
Jim: Eat shit!
*Jim presses the button down and the bomb explodes. The bomb blows off Legs’ legs and throws Legs over the edge of the building.
Legs: (while falling) How ironic!
*Legs splatters all over the streets below. At this time, the helicopter is several meters off the top of the building.
Leigh: You fucking asshole! You killed Legs!
Dave: You bastard!
Jim: Now it’s time to finish you two asswipes off. I don’t give a shit if it’s the last thing I do! I want you two faggots dead! If those drug dealers make their way up here and kill me, I will die a happy man knowing that you two are dead. I don’t give a shit actually! I WANT to die! My two other henchmen left me after they saw how psycho I became! I’m not psycho though. Am I? Am I?!?!
Dave: You sick fuck! Burn in hell!
Jim: Good riddance!
*Jim reaches for the gun holster attached to his belt. He feels around and notices that the gun isn’t there. The camera pans around to show that David’s Mom is standing behind Jim with the gun in her hand.
Jim: Fuck.
*David’s Mom shoots the gun and a bullet pierces right through Jim’s head.
David’s Mom: Good riddance, you sick motherfucker.
Dave: Mom!
*Dave runs up to his mom and hugs her.
Dave: Mom, eww, you’re naked!
David’s Mom: It’s the new me! Like it?
Dave: Well talk about this later, mom. We’ve got to catch that helicopter!
*The helicopter then lands on the roof and David’s Mom, Dave, and Leigh board onto it.
Leigh: Ms. Holmes, you’re pretty fucking hot!
David’s Mom: Thank you Leigh!
Leigh: I’m not joking!
*Dave punches Leigh in the arm.
*The helicopter rides away as the drug supplier and his men just make it onto the roof.
Drug Supplier: Whoa! Is that chick naked?
*The song ‘Say it Ain’t So’ by Weezer fades in.
*The drug supplier and dealers on the roof all get ambushed by the police as they rush onto the roof and shoot them all. Several of the dealers jump off the roof of the building but get chopped up when they land onto several police helicopters. The helicopters then crash into the side of the building and cause several explosions.
*Alden is seen sitting at home watching the whole situation unfold on the news. He begins to run to the door just as a S.W.A.T. team bursts through his windows and shoot him to death.
*Legs’ spirit is seen rising into heaven where he meets up with Scar. Legs then gives Scar his half of the BFF necklace. They then begin to make out.
*The song fades out as the screen fades to black.
*Title: 2 Months Later
*The screen fades in. David is seen packing all of his belongings into the trunk of a car while Leigh and David’s Mom watch from the side. Dave finishes packing and shuts the trunk.
Dave: Well, bye guys.
David’s Mom: I so happy you got into U of T.
*She kisses Dave on the cheek.
Dave: Aw, thanks mom. I’m happy you finally put some clothes on.
Leigh: So I guess we’re back where we first started. We’re not millionaires or anything.
Dave: But Leigh, at least you have a career planned out for you.
Leigh: True that!
*Leigh turns around and shows Dave and his mom the back of his shirt. The shirt says: Head Director and Founder of Ballbuster Porno Films.
Leigh: I may not have the balls to star in porn but I sure have talent behind the camera.
Dave: Well I’m proud of you.
Leigh: Some summer, eh?
Dave: Tell me about it.
Leigh: You know, I think me and you have said almost every swear word in existence over the time span of our whole situation in the summer.
Dave: Heh, you’re right!
*Awkward silence.
David’s Mom: Cunt.
Dave: What?
David’s Mom: Cunt. You forgot to say cunt.
Leigh: Oh, yeah. Thanks!
Dave: Shit.
*Dave looks at his watch.
Dave: I’ve got to finish moving in by tonight! My first class starts tomorrow. Bye guys! I love you mom!
*The song ‘Time to Pretend’ by MGMT fades in. Dave gets into his car and drives down the road as his mom and Leigh wave to him. The sun is just beginning to set in the background. Leigh turns to David’s Mom and pulls out a video camera.
Leigh: So, are we going to film this thing or what?
*Cut to black.
*The song still plays as the credits roll. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A Film by Martin Boustany.
Starring
John Cho – David
Jim Sturgess – Leigh
Seth Rogen – Legs
John C. Reilly – Officer Jim
Nora Dunn – David’s Mom
William Fichtner – Scar
Jason Bateman – Alden
Vin Diesel – Vin
Written by Martin Boustany
Special Thanks to ‘joeyjojojrshabadoo’ for providing a line of dialogue for the film.
(The whole ‘Happy Meal’ conversation)
A Close Cut Studios Film
Summer Rush ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ |
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