FADE TO:
EXT. GROVE STREET - NIGHT
The street is a cul de sac in Compton, and is lined with run down houses and old, decrepit cars. The distant sounds of police sirens fill the air. We PAN right to see one two storey house which has been repaired and renovated. It is covered in neon lighting, with a large neon sign hanging above the front door that reads 'The Joint Joint'. This is the name of the building, and the business within.
Two effeminate looking young men walk past the building. They are both dressed in luridly coloured tracksuits, and each one is holding the leash attached to a small chihuahua. They are BARRET and T-MAC. They walk out of sight.
A sleek, dark purple car slows to a halt in front of The Joint Joint. The engine turns off, and the headlights are extinguished. The door opens and a single figure climbs out, dressed plainly in a black t-shirt and jeans. He begins slowly walking towards the front door.
CUT TO:
INT. JOINT JOINT OFFICE - NIGHT
The office is a spacious converted bedroom. Rows of drawers line the walls. Behind a desk, LEGEND sits polishing a Desert Eagle. The CREAKING of the front door opening is heard, and Legend looks curiously towards his own office door as he hears somebody walking up the stairs. His office doors opens from the outside, and the figure walks into the light of the room - it is INDY. Legend hesitates before speaking as he continues to polish the gun. Indy walks into the office, standing in front of the desk.INDYHi Legend!
LEGENDDo... Do I know you?
INDYNo.
LEGENDUh... Sorry man, we're closed for tonight. Come back in the morning.
INDYI'm not here for the merchandise. I'm here with a message.
LEGENDOK...
A beat passes.
LEGENDSo... What's the message?
INDYDid you really think we wouldn't find out?
LEGENDFind out what?
INDYYou're peddling your wares on OUR turf, to OUR customers. We're not happy.
Legend becomes visibly nervous, rubbing the gun with the polishing rag at a greater rate.
LEGENDWho's 'we'?
INDYI work for the biggest pimp in town, friend, and he's very angry with you.
LEGENDWho?
INDYMr. Vincent.
Legend gasps and begins polishing even harder.
LEGENDM Veezey? But he's the biggest pimp in town!
INDY...I just said that.
LEGEND(Pleadingly)Look, we're small fry. We're just making a bit of extra money, you know? A bit of loose change! We're no threat to you.
Indy eyes a massive stack of cash on the table. Legend also glances at it, and knocks it off the desk and out of sight.
INDYWe both know that's a lie. You're becoming the biggest dealership in the city, and we want a slice. So, either you can start paying tribute to Vince -
Legend is becoming angry now, rubbing even harder.
INDY(Continuing)Or, you can wrap up your little operation, hand your business over to us, and get the f*ck out of Compton.
BLAM. Legend accidentally pulls the trigger.
FREEZE FRAME
MUSIC: Get Down Tonight - KC & The Sunshine Band 0.05 - 1.33Legend's face is contorted in pain, his awkwardly place finger in the middle of being broken by the recoil of the pistol. The bullet hovers in mid-air.
CUT TO:
EXT. COMPTON STREETS - DAY
We are shown a montage of Compton streets as the music plays and titles appear on the screen - people laughing, driving, talking, walking, smoking, dancing etc.Captain Blaggers Productions presents
A Movie Reels film
g
Ricky Gervais
Nestor Carbonnel
Samuel L. Jackson
Jonah Hill
Cillian Murphy
Zac Efron
Karl Urban
Nutsa Kukhianidze
Rainn Wilson
Chiwetel Ejiofor
Michael Cera
Shia LeBeouf
Chiwetel Ejiofor
Javier Bardem
Matthew Fox
Chiwetel Ejiofor
Hugh Laurie
Hayden ChristensenFADE TO:
INT. BLAGGERS' BEDROOM - DAY
CAPTION: Ten weeks earlier...
The room is small and cramped, with clothes strewn over the floor and a desk piled high with junk. The music plays through BLAGGERS' alarm clock radio, which sits on a bedside table next to the bed which he is sleeping in.RADIO ANNOUNCER(Over radio)Good morning London! That was 'Get Down Tonight' by KC and -
Blaggers slaps his hand down on the radio, ceasing the music.
CUT TO:
INT. BLAGGERS' KITCHEN - DAY
Blaggers slams two pieces of bread into his toaster. From outside, there is a spraying noise. Blaggers furrows his brow and pokes his head out of the window.
CUT TO:
EXT. BLAGGERS' FLAT BUILDING - DAY
Blaggers looks down from his high up window at the carpark below. Two teenagers stand next to his car, one of them just finishing spray painting the word 'TWAT' on his bonnet in pink.BLAGGERSHEY!
The teens run away, laughing. Blaggers smirks triumphantly, clearly under the impression they were scared of him.
BLAGGERSThat's right, you'd better run! Nobody makes a fool out of me!
MUSIC: Who Knows Who - Muse and The Streets 0.00 - 1.19Black smoke pours out of the window from behind Blaggers. His smirk disappears as he sniffs the air.
CUT TO:
INT. BLAGGERS' CAR - DAY
Blaggers, clad in jeans and a polo shirt with a London Eye logo, sits driving while munching on a charred and blackened piece of toast. A CRACK emerges from his mouth, and he winces as a tooth falls out into his lap. Through the car windows, people point at him, laughing and talking - though they can not be heard, their lips can be seen mouthing 'Twat'. Blaggers sighs and rolls his eyes.
CUT TO:
EXT. SOUTHBANK - DAY
Blaggers slowly walks down the London Southbank with his hands in his pockets. He spits a piece of chewing gum into the murky waters of the River Thames. As he nears the London Eye, his lanky BOSS approaches him angrily. The music fades away.BOSSWhere the hell have you been? It's ten thirty-two! You're thirty-two minutes late!
BLAGGERSThere was a toast-related fire in my flat.
Boss raises an eyebrow.
BLAGGERS...Block. Somebody in my flat block. Some people, eh?
BOSSI've had it up to here with your excuses, Blagden. If you're not in your booth in two minutes, you're not coming back tomorrow!
BLAGGERS(Laughing)Yeah, like you'd shut down the London Eye just to prove a point.
Boss glares at him. Blaggers stops laughing as the penny drops.
BLAGGERSOh.
BOSSYou absolute moron. It's no wonder your life is going nowhere. How does it feel knowing that you're going to be stuck as a Junior Wheel Operator for the rest of your life?
BLAGGERSRemind me; what's your job title again?
BOSS(Quietly)...Senior Wheel Operator.
Blaggers chuckles as he walks away. BOSS'S mobile phone rings, and he answers it.
BOSSHello? Oh, hello mother. Yes, work's going fine. Just fine. The C.E.O. job at Google is going great.
CUT TO:
INT. LONDON EYE BOOTH - DAY
Blaggers sits in the tiny, glass walled booth in front of an array of controls. Every now and then, he presses a button or twists a level. Behind him, the London Eye is visible on the other side of the Thames. A radio on top of his control terminal blares out. Blaggers sips periodically from a can of coke.RADIO ANNOUNCER(Over radio)And now, we're going to find out the winner of our twenty grand give-away! Whoever we call using a random phone number generator will be awarded the grand prize of twenty-thousand pounds. And I think we're calling now...
Blaggers' phone suddenly rings. He spits out his coke in a spray over his control desk in surprise, and scrambles for his phone. The controls start shooting out sparks.BLAGGERSHELLO? Oh. Oh, hi mum. Yeah, work's going fine. You don't get to be C.E.O. of Google without being damn good at -
Behind Blaggers, the London Eye suddenly snaps off it's supports and slowly begins falling to the side. Blagger's eyes widen, and he slowly turns around to watch the Eye falling. He slowly turns back to face the other way. Behind him, the Eye falls into the river, sending a tidal wave into the air.BLAGGERS...Actually, do you know what? I'm going to have to call you back.
He presses a button on the phone and steps out of his booth, only to be drenched by the enormous wave.
CUT TO:
EXT. SOUTHBANK - DAY
A soaked Blaggers waddles towards Boss, who is talking to a POLICEMAN. He overhears their conversation from a distance. They are both unaware of him.POLICEMANWho was in charge of the Eye when it collapsed, sir?
BOSSWhy, would that help?
POLICEMANWe believe this was a terrorist attack, carried out by an inside man. The circuits were fried with cola - that's textbook terrorist procedure.
Blaggers' eyes widen. He turns slowly, and begins running away.
CUT TO:
INT. BUS SHELTER - DAY
Blaggers sits in a bus shelter with an open atlas, dialling furiously into his mobile phone. He raises it to his ear.BLAGGERS(Nervously)Hello, is that Heathrow? Yeah, I need a last minute flight.
A beat passes.
BLAGGERS(Nervously)
My destination? Uh...
He closes his eyes and stabs his finger down on a random page. He opens his eyes to look.BLAGGERSLos Angeles!
CUT TO:
EXT. GOLF CLUB - DAY
The golf club is a large, white building with an open courtyard in front of it. Legend cycles to the side of the building, dressed in a white caddy uniform. RICH SNOB approaches him, a shit-eating grin on his face. Legend sighs and rolls his eyes ashe climbs off his bike.LEGEND(Muttering)Great...
RICH SNOBAhhh, Johnny Legend. My favourite caddy.
Rich Snob suddenly removes a golf ball from his pocket and hurls it onto the roof. Legend glares at him.RICH SNOB(Mockingly)
Go get it.
CUT TO:
EXT. GOLF COURSE - DAY
Rich Snob swaggers towards his ball, Legend walking a few feet behind.RICH SNOBHave I ever mentioned how incredibly rich I am?
LEGENDOnce or twice.
RICH SNOBWell, even someone of your limited intelligence must have been able to work it out. One doesn't become the C.E.O. of Google without also becoming obscenely, filthily wealthy.
LEGENDWhat's that got to do with me?
RICH SNOBNothing, I just want you to know in detail about what you'll never achieve.
Rich Snob looks at his ball briefly before handing Legend his club.
RICH SNOBYou know what? I think I'll need a wood for this one.
Legend puts the club in the bag and removes a wood, handing it to Rich Snob. Rich Snob glances at it and gives it back to Legend.
RICH SNOBBetter make that a wedge.
Rich Snob turns away from an angry Legend, who gives the club to him from behind. Rich Snob immediately tosses it over his shoulder.
RICH SNOBI want an iron.
Legend's face contorts in anger as he removes the iron from the bag.
LEGEND(Angrily)I'll show you iron!
Legend lightly hits Rich Snob in the back of the head with the club. The club head goes through his skull and out through his face, followed by two feet of shaft. Blood sprays out as Rich Snob falls forwards, the club head digging into the ground and preventing Rich Snob from actually falling to the floor. A ridiculous amount of blood continues to spray from the wound, much of it hitting Legend in the face, who stands gasping in absolute shock - he can't believe how much damage he caused with such a small hit.LEGEND...What.
CUT TO:
EXT. TRAIN YARD - NIGHT
A freighter train slowly moves out of the yard. A blood-soaked Legend runs towards a carriage with an open door and jumps inside as police sirens fill the air.
CUT TO:
EXT. GROVE STREET - NIGHT
A police car slowly drives down the street. It's radio can be heard from within.POLICE RADIO OPERATOR(Over radio)Be advised: Two suspected criminals are thought to be in the Compton area. Proceed with caution.
COPThey're not here, man. Let's go.
The police car drives away. Blaggers emerges from behind a bush, and runs towards an abandoned looking house. He wipes grime off a window and peers inside, before running to the front door and kicking it open.
CUT TO:
INT. ABANDONED HOUSE - NIGHT
Blaggers slowly walks through the house in almost total darkness.BLAGGERS(Nervously)Hello? Is anybody here?
Blaggers starts looking behind him while looking forwards. We see Legend walking through the house doing the same thing. They walk into each other and scream, grabbing onto each other for dear life.BLAGGERSWhat the hell are you doing here?
LEGENDI'm hiding out from the police.
BLAGGERSOh... Me too.
LEGENDI'm Legend.
BLAGGERSBlaggers.
A beat passes.LEGEND...I think we can stop hugging now.
They immediately separate, sheepish looks on their faces. Blaggers awkwardly stretches out his hand. Legend shakes it.BLAGGERS(Akwardly)Just two guys shaking hands. It's a just manly hand-shake. A man-shake.
LEGENDThere's nothing gay about a man-shake.
CUT TO:
INT. ABANDONED HOUSE BASEMENT - NIGHT
The basement door opens, and Blaggers and Legend slowly walk down the stairs, careful not to trip in the darkness.LEGENDLet's get some light up in this place.
Blaggers feels along the wall and flicks a switch. Overhead lights activate, revealing a hydroponics lab full of hemp plants. Blaggers and Legend slowly turn to look at each other in surprise.
CUT TO:
INT. ABANDONED HOUSE BEDROOM - NIGHT
Legend and Blaggers awkwardly lie in bed together.LEGENDAre... Are you sure you wouldn't be more comfortable on the floor?
BLAGGERSThe floor's probably infested with termites. Like hell I'm lying down on that.
LEGENDWell, I'm not sleeping on the floor either.
BLAGGERSThen here we both shall remain.
A beat passes.
LEGENDSo, we have no money, an abandoned drug lab, and a twenty year prison sentence worth of weed. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Blaggers grins.
BLAGGERSI think I am!
LEGENDWe get rich by dealing drugs!
BLAGGERSOh... I was thinking that we should go to Disneyland.
MUSIC: Gonna Fly Now - Bill Conti 0.00 - 1.29Legend stares at him incredulously.
BLAGGERSWhat? I hear the weather's great for it this time of year.
CUT TO:
MONTAGE:
A) Blaggers and Legend sit at the kitchen table reading copies of a book entitled 'Gang Banging For Dummies'
B) At a firing range, Legend fires a pistol with a standard grip. Blaggers consults the book and shakes his head.
C) Legend sorts the pot into bags.
D) Blaggers shows Legend how to hold the pistol sideways in a gangsta style. Legend does so, and Blaggers gives him a thumbs up.
E) In a clothes shop, Legend waits in front of a dressing room. Blaggers swaggers out, decked out in a white suit and fedora, with a silver cane. Legend cracks up and begins laughing, and Blaggers runs away crying.
F) In the garage, Legend sits in a car (the Pimpmobile) while Blaggers fiddles around under the bonnet. He closes the bonnet and gives Legend a thumbs up. The car begins rocking backwards and forwards on hydraulics. The violent rocking launches Legend through the roof of the Pimpmobile and against the ceiling.
g) Blaggers runs on a treadmill, but slows down and falls off.
H) Legend aims an AK-47 on the firing range, but is blasted backwards by the force of the recoil. Blaggers begins to laugh, but the trigger gets stuck. Legend drops the gun as it fires wildly. They both duck out of the way of the bullets.
CUT TO:
EXT. DARK ALLEY - NIGHT
The music fades away as the Pimpmobile pulls into an alleyway. Legend and Blaggers get out.LEGENDOk, they're not here yet. Listen, Blaggers. This is our first drug deal, so you can't f*ck it up. Understood?
BLAGGERSYeah, ok.
LEGENDJust act natural.
BLAGGERSSure.
STARKS emerges from the shadows, carrying a briefcase.
BLAGGERSPlayaaaaaaaaaaa!
LEGEND(Groaning)Oh, shit...
Blaggers struts towards Starks.
BLAGGERSYeah, so how's it hanging, homie? Me and my boy were wondering when you would get here.
Starks appears taken aback.
BLAGGERSSo let's do this thang, motherfucker, because I gots to roll.
Starks begins to hand over the briefcase.
BLAGGERSTight, yo. Us brothers gots to stick together.
Legend's eyes widen in fear. Starks appears infuriated.
BLAGGERSWhat? What did I say?
CUT TO:
EXT. COMPTON STREET - NIGHT
The Pimpmobile races out of the alley as a massive gang of Starks' thugs run out behind them, firing guns. The car screeches around a corner and out of sight.
CUT TO:
INT. PIMPMOBILE - NIGHT
Blaggers drives as Legend looks out of the window in fear.LEGEND(Shakily)I... I think we're going to need a bigger crew.
CUT TO:
INT. ABANDONED HOUSE LIVING ROOM - DAY
MONTAGE:
A) Blaggers and Legend sit on a couch while STAPLETON stands in front of them, dressed in a Batman costume three sizes too small for him.BLAGGERSAnd why do you think you'd be good for our crew?
STAPLETON(In gruff voice)What are you, dense? Are you retarded or something? I'm the Goddamn Batman!
Stapleton begins running around, holding his cape out behind him with his arms and making whooshing noises with his mouth. Blaggers and Legend slowly turn to look at each other in incredulity.
B) TAYLORTOT stands in the living room.LEGENDWhat do you think you can bring to our organisation?
TAYLORTOTI can dance!
Taylortot performs an elaborate dance routine. Blaggers claps eagerly, a vacant grin on his face.C) JOEY stands in the room.LEGENDWhat's your name?
JOEYJoey Jojo Junior Shabadoo.
BLAGGERSThat's the stupidest name I've ever heard.
Joey runs out of the room crying his eyes out.
D) PEDRO HEARNE stands in the living room wearing a blood stained shirt. He speaks in a thick Mexican accent.BLAGGERSWhy should we hire you?
PEDROIF YOU DO NOT HIRE PEDRO, PEDRO WILL GUT YOU LIKE A FISH.
A beat passes.LEGENDWell, I'm sold.
CUT TO:
EXT. ABANDONED HOUSE - DAY
Stapleton and Pedro climb down from ladders as the others assemble on the front lawn. T-Mac and Barrett walk past with their dogs. In front of them stands a renovated house - covered in neon lighting and a neon sign reading 'The Joint Joint'.BLAGGERSNow let's make some customers happy!
CUT TO:
INT. JOINT JOINT STOCK ROOM - DAY
Blaggers and a MALE CUSTOMER stand in the stock room, which is full of bags of weed.MALE CUSTOMERYeah, I need some... some stuff.
BLAGGERSWhat?
MALE CUSTOMERYou know, some... some stuff. Something to... Something to pick up my spirits, you know? A pick me up.
BLAGGERSLike, a beer?
MALE CUSTOMERNo, I need some... some of this stuff.
He gestures to the bags.
BLAGGERSYou want a bag?
MALE CUSTOMERYeah.
Blaggers grabs a back, tips the pot out on the floor and hands it to Male Customer.
MALE CUSTOMERNo, I want... I want the stuff that's IN the bag...
BLAGGERSWhat?
CUT TO:
INT. JOINT JOINT POOL ROOM - NIGHT
Blaggers and Pedro play pool. Legend walks in.LEGENDHey, could I play, Pedro?
PEDROPEDRO WILL KILL YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP.
LEGENDThat's nice, Pedro. Now run along.
Pedro leaves. Legend takes his cue and begins playing.
LEGENDWell, the business is taking off.
BLAGGERSYep. We've got it pretty sweet now.
LEGENDNothing can mess this up.
BLAGGERSNothing at all.
LEGENDWe're not going to suddenly find ourselves in a terrible situation.
BLAGGERSOf course not.
LEGENDThings are going to be great forever.
BLAGGERSIt sure would be ironic if something DID go wrong after this conversation.
LEGENDPfft, quit living in fantasy land. Live in... real... land.
BLAGGERSYou're right. Nothing bad is ever going to happen.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE JOINT JOINT - NIGHT
CAPTION: Two weeks later
A purple car pulls up in front of the building. Indy gets out and walks into the house. A few moments of silence pass, and then the BLAM of a gunshot rings out, one of the windows lighting up momentarily.
CUT TO:
INT. JOINT JOINT OFFICE - NIGHT
Legend drops the gun, staring at his horribly broken index finger and gasping. Indy drops to the floor, a bullet wound in between his eyes. A pool of blood slowly forms around him. Blaggers bursts in.BLAGGERS(Shocked)What was that noise?
He sees Indy lying on the floor.BLAGGERSWho the hell is that?
He sees the smoking gun lying at Legend's feet.
BLAGGERSWhat the f*ck did you do?
Legend leans back in his chair, closing his eyes in pain.
LEGENDIt was an accident. He was working for Mr. Vincent.
BLAGGERSWho's that?
LEGENDHe's the guy who wants to take over our business.
BLAGGERSOh... Well, now that we've shown how tough we are, he'll leave us alone, right?
Legend appears taken aback.
LEGENDI don't think it works like that. We'll have to hide the body tomorrow.
Blaggers giggles and takes a marker pen out of his pocket.
BLAGGERSHehe, I'm totally going to write 'I am gay' next to him!
He crouches down and begins drawing a speech bubble. Legend slaps the pen out of his hand.BLAGGERSOh come on, at least let me finish it!
LEGENDNo! We've got enough problems already without you acting like a moron. Let's just hope that nobody notices that he's missing.
CUT TO:
INT. WAREHOUSE
The warehouse is pitch black. Only a single overhead lamp shines, bathing a figure in a pool of light. It is PENNO. He is tied to a chair, with his mouth taped shut. SCF walks into the light, holding a pistol.SCFMy my my, you really have a knack for pissing off the wrong people, don't you? And now I've been hired to take out the trash.
SCF's phone rings. He answers it.
SCFHello? Yeah, this is him. How much? Yeah, that sounds good. I'll come along now.
He hangs up.
SCFAfraid I've got to cut this little get-together short, Penno. But you look like you need cheering up. How about a joke before I leave?
He rips the tape from Penno's mouth.
SCFKnock knock.
PENNO(Nervously)...Who's th-
BLAM! SCF shoots Penno in the forehead. Penno reels backwards, landing on his back with the chair legs sticking up into the air.
SCFYou're dead.
SCF raises the gun and fires another shot, destroying the lamp and extinguishing the light. The sound of his footsteps walking away can be heard.
CUT TO:
EXT. MR. VINCENT'S CRIB - DAY
SCF walks through the enormous front gates of Mr. Vincent's crib, a large mansion. FLORA opens the front door, wearing a purple butler's uniform.FLORARight this way, Mr. SCF.
SCF follows Flora in.
CUT TO:
INT. MR. VINCENT'S CRIB - DAY
SCF sits waiting on an expensive couch in a huge room. MR. VINCENT walks in, dressed in a white suit and fedora and using a silver cane. He is coolest guy in the world.MR. VINCENTAhh, SCF. I hear you're the best in the business.
They shake hands.
SCFWhat can I say? I'm good at killing people and blowing shit up.
MR. VINCENT(Chuckling)
I hear you. I don't need you to do any killing yet, though... I want you to find somebody.
SCFWho?
MR. VINCENTAn employee of mine named Indy went missing last night. I sent him to the Joint Joint, but he never came back.
Vince walks to the window, turning his back to SCF.
MR. VINCENTI need you to find him... If he's alive, I want him rescued.
SCFI'm on it.
Vince turns to face SCF, but he is nowhere to be seen - as if he vanished into thin air.
MR. VINCENTWoah! Where'd he go?
Vince shrugs and walks out of the room. After a few moments, SCF stads up from crouching behind the couch and walks out through the front door.
CUT TO:
EXT. JOINT JOINT - DAY
Blaggers and CASA stand on the front lawn. Casa takes a puff from a joint.CASAThat's pretty good pot. I'd give it 3.98976425 out of 4.
BLAGGERSOh come on Casa, you're breaking my balls!
They are oblivious to SCF sneaking up to the side of the building and climbing through a window.
CUT TO:
INT. JOINT JOINT OFFICE - DAY
SCF sneaks into the office. He sees Indy's corpse lying on the ground. On the ground next to him is Blaggers' unfinished speech bubble reading 'I AM G'. SCF takes a camera out from his pocket and takes a picture of the body. He leaves the room. A moment later, he comes back in, punches Indy in the balls, and leaves again.
CUT TO:
EXT. GROVE STREET - DAY
SCF walks down the street, passing Barrett and T-Mac with their dogs. He also passes CRISTO, who is brandishing a protest sign in the air.CRISTOSir, help end the injustice!
SCFWhat?
CRISTOI'm being injust... injustified... injusticed against!
SCFWhat happened?
CRISTOIt's not like there's a specific law against applying to officially change somebody's name to 'GayMan' on their behalf without them knowing! I didn't even get a fair trial!
SCFHmm... I think I know how to get you a fair trial.
CRISTOYou do?
SCFYeah. I can give you one. I'm a judge, jury -
He grabs Cristo, holds him up into the air and literally rips him in half, spraying blood everywhere.
SCF(Continued)
And executioner!
He drops the two halves on the ground and walks away.
SCFRest in pieces.
CUT TO:
INT. JOINT JOINT LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Blaggers sits with Pedro and Stapleton watching TV, while Taylortot practices dance moves in short shorts, a tank top and a sweat band on his forehead. Legend storms in, holding a photo and an opened envelope.LEGENDLook what we just got.
He hands the photo to Blaggers. It is the one SCF took of Indy's corpse, with a marker pen message on the back - 'Driveby Park tomorrow - 12.00pm'.
BLAGGERSWho's it from?
LEGENDMeryl Streep. I don't f*cking know!
BLAGGERSHey, don't get so angry with me. I'm not the one who killed him.
A beat passes.
LEGENDShut up.
BLAGGERSSo, are we going to go?
LEGENDOf course we are! These guys clearly mean business, whoever they are.
PEDROPEDRO WILL COME AS WELL.
TAYLORTOTYeah, we've got your back.
LEGENDForgive me if I don't feel reassured. Oh for crying out loud Xplay, can you stop dancing for one minute?
CUT TO:
EXT. DRIVEBY PARK - DAY
Blaggers and Legend walk into the park, past a sign reading 'Driveby Park - Days without a driveby:'. The rest of the sign is too full of bullet holes to read.BLAGGERSSo why do they call it Driveby Park?
Legend sighs. Vince approaches them.
LEGEND(Gasping)Oh God, it's him...
Vince reaches them.
LEGEND(Sycophantically)
Hello, Mr M Veezey sir. I like your clothes.
A look of pain and betrayal crosses Blaggers' face. Legend shoots a brief apologetic look at him.
MR. VINCENTThat's Mr. Vincent to you, motherfucker. You killed my employee.
LEGEND(Nervously)
I'm so sorry about that tragic accident, Mr. Vincent, but -
MR. VINCENT(Interrupting)
Accident? No, no, no. An accident would be... Tripping over walking down the street. An accident would be dropping a piece of paper while handing it to somebody else. An accident would be your boy here being conceived.
Blaggers hangs his head.
MR. VINCENT(Continued)
What you did was no accident. What you did was kill a member of my organisation, and I expect payment.
Legend pulls out his wallet.
LEGENDWell, let's see. I think I have a couple of twenties and a-
Vince slaps the wallet out of his hand and onto the ground. A beat passes.
MR. VINCENTPick it up.
Legend slowly picks the wallet up.
MR. VINCENTI'm not talking twenties and dimes, motherfucker. I'm talking your business.
BLAGGERSYeah? You and who's army?
Vince snaps his fingers. His crew walk in from different directions - GATTI, MARTIN, DAZ and Joey. They all stand around Vince in badass poses. Flora tries to jump in and make a pose, but he falls over.
MR. VINCENTAnd that's not even counting the hitman I've hired.
Legend glares at Joey.
LEGENDYou traitorous son of a bitch.
Joey grins evilly.
BLAGGERSYeah, well, we have our own crew.
Blaggers snaps his fingers. Stapleton runs towards them with his cape flying behind him, and Taylortot minces over.
LEGENDWhere's Pedro?
Pedro jumps out of a bush.
PEDROPEDRO IS HERE.
BLAGGERSWhere were you?
PEDROPEDRO WAS PLEASURING HIMSELF IN THE BUSHES.
Vince laughs.
MR. VINCENTThis is the best you've got? Oh, man. If you don't surrender your business by midnight, then we're going to wipe you out. Understand?
Legend reluctantly nods. Vince's crew departs. In the background, T-Mac and Barrett play with their dogs.
BLAGGERSWell, I don't know about you, but I thought that went pretty well.
Legend punches him in the face.
CUT TO:
INT. JOINT JOINT LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Legend and the crew is in the living room packing things into boxes. Blaggers walks in.BLAGGERSWhat the hell are you doing?
LEGENDMoving on. If Vincent wants our business, he can have it. I'm not dying for a run-down house and a room full of weed.
BLAGGERSSo you're just giving up? Just like that?
LEGEND(Angrily)
Yeah, I'm just giving up! He's got a massive business empire, a personal assassin, and a crew that isn't made up of a bunch of spastics retards!
There is an awkward silence. Legend turns to see the gang looking at him sadly.
LEGEND(Apologetically)
Oh guys, you know I didn't mean it!
BLAGGERSDon't you see? This is what Vincent wants us to do! Fight and squabble so that we're weakened from within. Well, I'm not going to stand for it. I'm going to tell that prick what I think of him. I've got a bullet with his name on it, Legend, and it's finding a new home tomorrow night. Are you with me?
A beat passes.
LEGEND...Yeah. I'm with you.
Blaggers turns to face the crew.
BLAGGERSAre you with me?
STAPLETONCourage now, truth always!
TAYLORTOTWe can do it if we all work together!
PEDROPEDRO WILL HUNT HIM DOWN AND KILL HIM LIKE A DOG AND HOLLOW HIS SKULL OUT AND FASHION A BONE CHALICE FROM HIS SKULL AND DRINK HIS BLOOD FROM THE BONE CHALICE.
MUSIC: Battle Without Honor or Humanity - Tomoyasu Hotei 0.00 - 2.03BLAGGERS(Triumphantly)
Then let's show these homeboys how we roll!
CUT TO:
EXT. GROVE STREET - NIGHT
EFFECT: SLOW MOTION
The crew walk down the middle of the road in an Ocean's Eleven style formation. Blaggers trips over and lands on the ground, tripping Legend and Pedro up and sending them flying into the air.
EXT. MR. VINCENT'S CRIB - NIGHT
EFFECT: NORMAL MOTION
Blaggers and Legend run through the front gates, armed with machine guns. They kick in the front door of the mansion and run inside.
CUT TO:
INT. MR. VINCENT'S CRIB - NIGHT
Flora pops out from behind a pillar, armed with his own machine gun. He fires wildly at Blaggers and Legend, who take cover behind pillars of their own.FLORADIE, MOTHERFUCKERS! DIIIIIIIIIIE!
Blaggers shoots Flora, who falls to the ground dead. The SCREECHING of wheels comes from outside, and Blaggers and Legend run back out through the front door.
CUT TO:
EXT. MR. VINCENT'S CRIB - NIGHT
Vince sits in a car with his crew as it speeds away. Blaggers whistles, and the Pimpmobile pulls up, driven by Pedro with Stapleton and Taylortot riding shotgun.PEDROPEDRO IS DRIVING.
BLAGGERSLet's go!
CUT TO:
EXT. COMPTON STREETS - NIGHT
Vince's car races down the street, with the Pimpmobile in close pursuit. Stapleton throws a batarang at one of their back tires, bursting it. The car swerves and crashes into a lamp post. Pedro performs a 90 degree handbrake turn and the crew jump out, ducking behind the car as cover. A viscous firefight ensues as both gangs shoot at each other.LEGENDKILL 'EM DEAD!
Bullets are flying. Blaggers yells over to Legend while still firing his gun.
BLAGGERSSO, WHERE DO YOU THINK WE COME FROM?
LEGENDWHAT?
BLAGGERSWHERE DO YOU THINK WE COME FROM?
LEGENDI BELIEVE WE'RE HERE AS A RESULT OF EVOLUTION. THE EVIDENCE IS COMPELLING. I'M OPEN TO THE IDEA OF A HIGHER POWER BUT I DON'T THINK IT CREATED US.
BLAGGERSOK, THAT'S YOUR OPINION AND I RESPECT IT, BUT I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANY CHANCE OF THERE BEING A GOD.
Blaggers pauses to lob a grenade at Vince's crew. It explodes spectacularly.
BLAGGERSWHILE THERE IS THE ARGUMENT OF FREE WILL, I DON'T BELIEVE ANY BENEVOLENT GOD WOULD ALLOW HIS WORLD TO DESCEND TO WHERE IT IS TODAY. INNOCENT, GOD-FEARING PEOPLE BEING BLOWN APART BY TERRORIST BOMBS EVERY DAY.
LEGENDAND SO WE REACH THE DEBATE AS OLD AS TIME ITSELF: WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE?
While cowering behind a newspaper stand, Casa hears this exchange and grins, nodding appreciatively.
CASAf*cking sweet!
STAPLETONGUYS! WHAT THE f*ck DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
Blaggers and Legend look at each other and shrug. The music cuts out suddenly.
T-MACHold it right there!
Both crews stop to turn and see Barrett and T-Mac holding pistols and police badges.
BARRETTWe're undercover cops. We've been watching your every move for weeks.
T-MACYou're all under arrest, douchebags.
A beat passes. All gang members fire at the pair. They fall to the ground, riddled with bullets. T-Mac crawls over to Barrett as the two crews begin shooting at each other again. They are both wheezing as they slowly die.
T-MACBarrett... my friend... this is it, buddy.
Barrett tearfully nods.
BARRETTWe had some good times, huh?
T-Mac chuckles, forcing back tears.
T-MACRemember the time we ate that soup?
They both laugh.
BARRETT(Crying)I wouldn't want to die with anybody else, T-Mac. You were my best friend.
T-MAC(Weeping)
THIS IS HOW WE'LL DIE! AS BROTHERS!
They embrace each other, crying their eyes out. A silence falls over the battlefield. Taylortot wipes a tear from his eye. A beat passes. Blaggers shoots some more rounds into the pair, killing them for good. Legend then quickly aims his gun at Joey, shooting him in the head.LEGENDThat'll teach you to seek alternative forms of employment after we rejected you for our open position!
The firefight resumes.
MR. VINCENTWhat's wrong with you? KILL THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS NOW!
TAYLORTOTDon't worry guys, I know just how to beat them!
EFFECT: SLOW MOTIONMUSIC: Dancing Queen - ABBA 0.07 - 0.46Taylortot jumps over the Pimpmobile and starts moving towards the opposing side. Although hundreds of bullets are flying at him, he dances gracefully to dodge them. Blaggers, Legend and Stapleton stand in awe. Their normal sounding voices are out of sync with the slow motion visuals.LEGEND(Dazed)Look at him dance...
BLAGGERS(Dazed)It's... beautiful.
Taylortot is suddenly shot in the kneecap.
EFFECT: NORMAL MOTION
He falls to the floor, writhing in pain and screeching like a little girl. SCF, crouched down on a rooftop, looks out from behind the scope of his smoking sniper rifle and smiles.SCFf*ck you, you f*cking fucker.
A full moon suddenly shines. SCF spontaneously transforms into a wolf and bounds away into the night.
Blaggers shoots Martin's ear off. Martin clasps the wound, gasping in pain. Pedro pounces on him like a rabid animal.PEDROPEDRO IS HUNGRY.
Blood sprays out as Pedro eats Martin's thrashing body. Stapleton throws a batarang at Gatti, knocking her out cold. An angry Daz runs forward, gun blazing as he screams in anger. Blaggers runs forwards, jumping onto the bonnet of the Pimpmobile and leaps off.
EFFECT: SLOW MOTION
As he sails through the air, Blaggers extends his leg out and kicks Daz in the face. Daz's head tears off his neck, flying through the air.
EFFECT: NORMAL MOTION
Blaggers lands on the ground as Daz's head sails out of sight. Blaggers turns to Legend.BLAGGERSTHAT'S football, you bloody American.
Vince throws down his gun.
MR. VINCENTAlright, you win. Can't we all just-
Blaggers pistol whips him in the face. Vince falls to the ground, his nose bleeding.
BLAGGERSWe did it, Legend! We won!
Blaggers and Legend run at each other and grab one another in a bear hug. After a few seconds, they quickly separate, standing awkwardly in silence. Blaggers extends his hand. Legend grins.
LEGENDNothing gay about a man-shake.
Vince groans. They both turn to look at him.
BLAGGERSIs it just me, or... is his skin peeling off?
Legend grabs a loose flap of Vince's skin and rips off the latex mask, revealing - RIVERS CUOMO of Weezer.
BLAGGERS(Gasping)
Rivers Cuomo of Weezer!
LEGENDJinkies!
RIVERS CUOMOAlright, you got me. It's me, Rivers Cuomo. When I'm not on tour or cutting a new track in the studio, I like to lay low and sell marijuana as a side business. I didn't mean to try and hurt you... I just got so into my character that I forgot who I really was inside. Can you find it in your hearts to forgive little old three-chord me?
Blaggers and Legend look at each other and smile.BLAGGERSI think we can do better than that, Rivers Cuomo.
MUSIC: Island in the Sun - Weezer 0.00 - 1.00CUT TO:
EXT. HAWAII BEACH - DAY
The crew and Rivers Cuomo are surfing. Taylortot is wearing thong speedos and a plaster cast on his leg, while Stapleton is only wearing trunks and the cape and cowl of his suit.RIVERS CUOMOWow, it sure was great of you guys to bring me all the way out to Hawaii.
LEGENDNo problem, Rivers Cuomo.
BLAGGERSIt's the least we could do after you threatened us, blackmailed us us and tried to kill us.
They all laugh.
RIVERS CUOMOWe've had some good times, huh?
A blood soaked Pedro swims past them from the shore.
BLAGGERSWhere are you going, Pedro?
PEDROPEDRO RAPED AND KILLED A WOMAN AND IS SWIMMING FOR FREEDOM FROM THE POLICE.
The gang all laugh.
ALLThat's our Pedro!
A sitcom style laughter track plays.
CUT TO BLACK.
FADE TO:
EXT. JOINT JOINT - NIGHT
A Waltons style scene plays out, with the lights of the house going out periodically.BLAGGERS (V.O.)Goodnight, Legend.
LEGEND (V.O.)Goodnight, Stapleton.
STAPLETON (V.O.)Goodnight, Pedro.
PEDRO (V.O.)PEDRO IS TOUCHING HIMSELF.
After a few moments of all the windows being dark, the living room light switches on.
CUT TO:
INT. JOINT JOINT LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Taylortot, wearing hotpants and a mesh tank top, inserts a CD into the sound system and takes up a position in the middle of the room.MUSIC: Top Down - Swizz Beats 0.00 - 1.23Taylortot starts dancing in time with the music, and continues dancing as the credits appear to his right.Directed by
Captain Blaggers
Produced by
Legend
Distributed by
Captain Blaggers Productions
Blaggers
Ricky Gervais
Legend
Nestor Carbonnel
Mr. Vincent
Samuel L. Jackson
Pedro Hearne
Cillian Murphy
Taylortot
Zac Efron
Stapleton
Jonah Hill
SCF
Karl Urban
Gatti
Nutsa Kukhianidze
Indy
Seth Rogen
Flora
Rainn Wilson
T-Mac
Michael Cera
Barrett
Shia LeBeouf
Cristo
Chiwetel Ejiofor
Casa
Javier Bardem
Martin
Matthew Fox
Daz
Hugh Laurie
Joey Jojo Jr Shabadoo
Hayden Christensen
With
Penno
Russel Crowe
Starks
Anthony Anderon
And
Rivers Cuomo
Rivers Cuomo
Special Thanks
Everybody!FADE TO:
EXT. CLINIC - DAY
Cristo wheels out of a large hospital-type building with a sign reading 'Rippedinhalfitus Rehabilitation Center' in a wheelchair. He is talking on a phone, and has a large bandage covering his waist and midsection.CRISTONo, no, the doctors fixed me up fine. I'll be fighting for justice again in no -
He sees SCF walking out of 'Lycanthropes Anonymous' across the road. SCF also spots him.CRISTO...Time.
Cristo throws the phone down and wheels quickly towards SCF, screaming in anger. SCF jumps up in the air to kick him in the face.
EFFECT: SLOW MOTION
Cristo tilts his wheelchair to lean over and run along on one wheel, his head moving out of the way of SCF's foot.
EFFECT: NORMAL MOTION
SCF lands on the ground, crouched. Cristo turns around, a pistol in each hand. He fires wildly at SCF, who dodges the bullets with ease and jumps onto the top of a moving car. Cristo wheels forwards and ramps off the curb, landing on another car.
CUT TO:
EXT. COMPTON STREETS - DAY
The cars race down the road as Cristo and SCF shoot at each other. As they pass over a bridge, SCF jumps at Cristo and grabs him out of the wheelchair. Cristo struggles, and they both fall off the bridge - landing on a moving train below.
CUT TO:
EXT. TRAIN - DAY
Cristo and SCF continue to fight on top of the train, exchanging blows. SCF jumps out of the way, and out of sight. Cristo looks around in panic, unable to spot him.SCF (O.S.)Knock knock...
BLAM! A bullet smashes through his skull. His limp body falls off the train. SCF appears, a smoking pistol in his hand.SCFYou're dead.
CUT TO BLACK. 
